the best things said come last

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve then Christmas will pass and a new year begins. That's pretty much my entire calendar by the looks of things. Was thinking about the year that is ending today while watching a youtube channel that I like and decided to put a few thoughts down. 

For an assortment of reasons this year has been a tough one for me and not all because of the virus that has claimed so much peace of mind. The loss of my mom hasn't gotten any easier and still claims a large part of my feeling of being lost. My health issues and mom not being here has me wondering how many years are left to do anything that may have helped me right this ship. 

A few people have been very kind to me this year and one or two still check in from time to time to see if I'm still alive while a few others one might expect would be checking in have instead just gone away. With people in general some things never change and with things, they always change. 

The works in progress are to get rid of excess stuff at both houses and perhaps sell one and move to the other. Looks to be a longer process than I needed it to be and doing it all myself adds weeks and months. Depression comes and goes and I feel thankful it hasn't just set in and taken me down and held me there, yet. I believe I have mom watching over me to make sure that doesn't happen. One more of many things to be thankful for the mom God blessed me with.  

Haven't worked in so long it feels like I've retired but without having actually done whatever it is you're supposed to do when you retire. From as far back as I can remember I used to say I would never stop working but the virus and other circumstances appear to have made that choice for me. 

So tomorrow night will be Christmas Eve and the movie It's a Wonderful Life will run. My mom and I always watched that together and this year I'll be watching it alone wadded up in a ball of self pity I'm guessing. But a lot of people are hurting this year and I can't help but feel like I've been so blessed in my life just having the mom I had that I have no right to complain. My hope for those who care and even those who don't is that you have someone to be with for Christmas and New Years and that you be healthy and that you have someone to love and feel loved in return. That's all anyone really needs and if you don't have those things, know that God is always there and you can reach out to him and never have to walk through this life alone. 

Merry Christmas and hopefully a Happier New Year..

my 2020 as a new, old man

2020 came and had me searching for a reason to want to live a life without the only human being who ever stood by me every minute of my life. Then the virus came and the work I used to keep my mind off the loss of my mom came to a halt. This was the year I signed up for Medicare reminding me that the life I've lived as short as it is, is even shorter now. There are sleepless nights and days filled with sadness and despair that have to be managed or they will consume me. Summer came and I learned I had not one, but two serious life-threatening health conditions.     

Not working has taken a mental toll that I wasn't ready for and I ended up selling my broadcast camera that ensures this no work thing won't just be temporary. The America I grew up in is now dead and socialism is in the fast lane of becoming a way of life. The low hanging fruit of small business that half of this country is employed by has been targeted by the democrat elites on the verge of controlling every word, every move, every thought anyone dares try to share. This isn't a script for a Twilight Zone episode, this is 2020. 

January 05, 2021, we will all know just how far this country is going to fall. If at the end of the day of the 5th of January the democrats get control of the Senate, the damage to this country that will ensue will take decades and many generations to recover from if recovery is even possible. On top of everything else that has taken place this year, to know we are that close to losing America for generations to come is impossible to digest. 

For those who have suffered enough already, for those who have lost loved ones that your life can never be the same without, and for those who for one reason or another cannot afford another loss of any kind, may God wrap his arms around you and protect you from further damage. It wouldn't hurt to say prayers for democrats to lose the runoff election races in Georgia on January 05 and for this sick and sad society that allowed us to be this close to the end of the greatest country the world desperately needs to survive. 

mwz 

you do not go unnoticed by me

What a weird and strange place this world is for many. Trying to find bits of happiness amongst the rubble of what has become of life is exhausting and I'm certain at some point not be worth the effort. Here's to those who face the rest of your lives alone with only memories to keep you from freezing to death. 

To those who have no conversations outside your thoughts and to those who have only windows to the outside to see what life used to be, here's to you and the courageous bravery it takes to just get up out of bed. 

For the many who have no families to be with especially this time of year, I see you, hear you, and recognize your grief and despair. It's real and you are not the only one. When you are faced with looking at photos and writings of those blessed with having all that you have not, I feel your pain and longing for that which has passed and the absence of even the slightest acknowledgement of those with only their sadness to keep them company while so many rejoice.   

Time is the magic for some but the curse for others and you know who you are. You are not alone in your despair for many are here and the open arms of acknowledgement of your suffering and loneliness are for you. 

Looking forward to another day is a blessing if you can manage it and when that effort becomes too hard know that you are not the only one. Reach out if you can, fight the urge to give up and walk alone if you have to just walk and try to remember that no one who has ever had meaning to your life would be OK with your suffering. Prayer, faith, and courage can help lift your head up when it wants to look down. Get outside if you can and walk just keep walking and if you're unable to get outside go out there in your mind and just keep moving if only in your head. 

God did not put a single one of us here to suffer so. We are not meant to rust and corrode with sadness. Any life that we have is a blessing and wasting it with chronic despair is unthinkable. We are alone and that is OK. Some are lonely and it's understandable. You are not going to be overlooked by me and I feel your every pain. 

There are many here in the same place you are with the simple goal of just wanting to wake up tomorrow and maybe not be sad. Keep it simple and just wake up and feel blessed that you did. Do something besides sit if you can. Overlook the "Happy Thanksgiving," and the upcoming "Merry Christmas," stuff that people toss around because they don't know your circumstance. Most people aren't able or willing to look beyond themselves long enough to realize those words don't make sense to so many who are suffering alone. 

Just keep moving. Move your mind if your body cannot and listen to the memories of those who have passed before you who would not want you to suffer so. Lean on whoever and whatever you need to and just keep moving.   

be thankful

This year on the surface, there are fewer things to be thankful for and those few things that are left have taken on a bigger significance in my thoughts. All those I once felt close to seem to be doing well and for that, I am thankful. This week I was able to help someone in need, and for that, I feel blessed. 

It would be easy to feel that life has dealt me some significant shots this past year but I remember what my mom would always tell me and that is, when you feel down and out, get up and go do something for someone else and you'll begin to realize that there are others who have it worse than you and doing what you can to make someone else's life better is what we are meant to be doing. My mom spent her entire life doing this and it actually does work and she was always right about all things that matter. 

While I mourn the loss of my mom I am reminded of the times we laughed and cried and held each other. The dinners we had just us two and our talks about everything. The Christmas one year when she couldn't afford to get me a new bike, so she got me a used one and it was perfect. The time she took me fishing in Oklahoma because that is what a dad would do and there wasn't one in my life. I managed to catch a fish and we took it to the restaurant at the lodge and had him cook it up for us. Maybe I was 9 or 10. When we finished eating that dinner she handed me a 5 dollar bill and told me to go and give it to the chef and to thank him. She was teaching me to be a man and to give to others. She was always thinking of others and 5 bucks was quite a bit for her to give. 

Today there are people who still have their moms and families but who can't go see them this year and I am reminded of that when I start to feel sorry for myself and snap back knowing I am not alone in despair. There is always going to be someone out there who is suffering in ways none of us can understand even if we have had similar circumstances. The depth of pain and sadness in the hearts of others cannot be measured or compared to our own. 

My journey is taking turns I didn't expect and I will do my best to make the best of whatever is meant to be. It is Thanksgiving and then Christmas and I suspect this year the actual meaning of this time of year will be more imprinted in our minds for all sorts of reasons and that is a good thing and I'm thankful for that too. 

I hope everyone will make the best of what they have and share what they can. Our time here in this life is the only thing we have no control over and everything else is how we will measure our worthiness of the time we've been given. God bless all. Be thankful. Share what you can.  

a year ago

these were the last couple of days a year ago that God let me be with my mom before he took her soul to heaven. We were not doing well and all the signs were there but I wasn't ready. We had our talks and she knew, maybe I did too, but I wasn't willing to be honest with myself or maybe there were just too many things to do to stop and think about it. Mom wasn't able to eat hardly anything and I had tried everything including baby food to get something she could eat. God was speaking to me and I wasn't listening.

This past year has been an emotional rollercoaster of from almost normal at times to the depths of despair all in the span of a few minutes. Many try to tell you it takes time and yet no one knows anyone else's depth of loss and I can admit I didn't even know my own. Our talks were hard and part of them were me trying to convince her that somehow I would be OK and keep going like she wanted for me. God may have a different plan than we had expected with my health issues that she would have been incredibly worried about. 

Coming to terms with a loss of my mom is much harder to get through than coming to grips with my own mortality. My faith and belief is that God took her when he did both to stop her suffering and to prevent her from worrying for me. I truly do believe that was intentional and out of love for an angel who had given everything she ever had to others and needed to rest.  

I miss her every single day and she is always on my mind. Tomorrow is Sunday and we always had dinners on Sunday just me and her. My memories are what triggers the tears and I've never cried as much as I do these days ever in my life. Tomorrow I will go to the cemetery and I'll take a chair and sit for a while and talk to mom and to God who I believe in my heart is holding her tight and helping her not to worry so much for me.

Many people are suffering these days for all sorts of reasons and my hope is that they believe in a higher power as I do because often times that is all we have to lean on and this past year I've leaned on him quite a bit. I'll see mom again one day and much sooner than I had anticipated but I'm alright with that knowing the plan is in place and the outcome is certain. It's been almost a year to the day November 16, 2019, 1:46am and it is as painful today as it was then. 

May God bless and hold all who are suffering. We are not meant to suffer so and there will be a wonderful place for us when our time here on earth is done. 

I'm not voting for biden or Trump

I will stand in line risking what would be a fatal virus if I were to contract it, to vote. My vote will not matter much in the big picture of all things but it was important for me to do. My first election voting without my mom on my arm who would always accompany me and vote in every election. She would have wanted me to do the same now that she is gone and as far as I can tell this could be my last opportunity to exercise this right.    

My vote wasn't for a person or a personality and I did not cast a vote for my own interests, those are already taken care of. My need to take a risk and vote in person was to make certain my vote counted and to make certain my mom who is watching over me from heaven saw that I am still taking her advice. She would always tell me when things seemed dark and bleak, go out, and do something for someone else and you'll feel better and that is what I'll be doing.

 

I will vote for you. Those I may know, most I do not, some who care, and most who couldn't care any less, I am going to vote for every one of you. My vote is for you and your children and families not to ever endure Marxism or socialism that I have seen first hand in my travels all over the world. I will vote for you to have the right to send your kids to the school of your choice instead of being dictated to by a massive new government ruling over every aspect of your lives. My vote will be to save you from paying more taxes and having your current tax cuts taken away whether you make $25 thousand a year or $400 thousand, I voted for your taxes to be cut again not raised. 

My vote is for people I may never meet who likely have no fundamental idea what exactly they are voting for or against other than I like this guy and I don't like that guy he pisses me off. People who willfully vote against their own best interest over style, I am going to vote for people exactly like you even though I feel you didn't deserve it. This election is about others and not myself. I have all that I need and then some apart from good health and I can't get that back. So my vote won't mean much to those who feel like they are in some sort of a pinball game with no real-life consequences but it's one of those times mom told me to go out and do for someone else and I'm OK if my one vote doesn't mean that none of you will have to watch this once great country go the way of Greece, Venezuela, Cuba, El Salvador and so on, I will vote to help you not have to endure that here in America anyway. 

I did all I could to help you even knowing a lot of you have no history to use to understand why I would vote with you and not myself in mind. The election in my opinion is a foregone conclusion and the only question left is just how far it will all actually go when we make the hard turn towards an America we fought wars to keep out of our borders. 

My hope is that many of you perhaps are young enough to outlive the damage about to be done and my heart goes out to those who are not young and what is coming is the last you will see. My mom would be proud of what I am doing for you and really nothing else matters to me. Good luck everyone. 

the tail always wags the dog for some..

the election in less than 2 weeks is going to be a massive and decisive blue wave according to what I can see from here. The loss of both the house and the senate and the White House is going to put America on a path to what she has fought wars to prevent. But why would a society do this to itself if it had an opportunity to avoid it? My theory is born from the quote about the tail wagging the dog. 

The tail is a personality too many found offensive and unpresidential and the dog is a man who gave up a billionaire lifestyle to right the path of a country he saw failing that had given him so much opportunity to win. I know this pattern of tails and dogs extremely well. It describes my own life in detail.

When I was a kid I was a pretty good football receiver on the schoolyard playground but was never asked to play by the kids my age. The older kids out of pity I suspect would let me play on Saturdays with them and I was pretty good actually at catching and running. Kickball games were had before school started each day and I was pretty good at that and dodgeball. But I was always the very last one to be picked to be on a team and in fact, everyone would be chosen and I was left to just walk over to the side who had the last pick. I'm in my middle 60s now and I still remember these traumatic experiences that took place over a half-century ago. 

I was never the cool kid with friends and status I was shy and aloof and hid from the crowds and sat in the back. The things I was good at made no difference to anyone of higher status no matter how good I ended up being because I never fit in always insisting on just being myself and hoping one day that would be enough and it never was. 

Trump seems very similar to this in that regardless of the consequences he too insists on being himself. He was hired to run the country because he wasn't a good ole boy politician and what he was able to accomplish prior to the pandemic was historic and all the while being eviscerated in the press and by democrats who crucified this man daily and made up and paid for with taxpayer money hoaxes to damage this guy because he wasn't one of them, he made them look like inept gangsters and then he walked right in and began everyone's ass. I doubt America will ever see the levels of prosperity jobs and accomplishments he produced in just a couple of years ever again. 

But he was brash, cocky, self-absorbed, and wasn't going to take the abuse and character assassinations he was faced with while turning this country into all it was capable of being, and who could blame him. Sometimes people who are especially good at some things have to pat themselves on the back because if they don't no one else will. But it looks bad and it pisses people off who are already furious that you have accomplished things they are incapable or unwilling to.  

Trump has made politicians on both sides and in between look like the blood-sucking charlatans they are and when you do that while stomping their asses and rubbing their noses in it you get a target on your head and had better watch your back. Trumps had the audacity to think doing great things for the people and the country would be enough. I thought when I was smacking people left and right during dodgeball in jr high school that maybe tomorrow someone would actually pick me for their team and it didn't turn out that way I wasn't one of them. We as a country are about to get a good hard lesson of revenge on hiring a guy who made politicians look like the thieves they are. 

Trump's biggest issue was thinking that doing great would be enough to override a personality many don't like. He was wrong and now the very ones who gained the most from what he was able to accomplish, are turning on him and voting him out. No matter how much you do for someone or a place where you work, if they don't like you, you are on borrowed time. The clock on this president was ticking the moment it became obvious that a higher power had stepped in and kept the country from enduring a criminal monster in clinton as president. An outright coup attempt has been working since before the inauguration and Trump's time in office was to be less than or certainly not more than 4 years and here we are. 

I worked in broadcast news for 18 years and I know how it operates. They made stories out of a 40-year-old run-down vacant house fire if I had flames and turn into a "tragedy for the community," who had actually been using it to shoot drugs and rape prostitutes in but you wouldn't know that from the flames and "interpretive writing.." When other channels had a "story" we didn't have they would send me to shoot a street sign or a wet spot in the street where someone had been shot just to do a "story" that wasn't important until the other channel had it. Misdemeanor homicides are what the newsroom called them behind the scenes when it was in a black or hispanic "bad neighborhood." But you wouldn't know that either because that doesn't fit the narrative that must be sold that journalists are just too above the fray of hidden realities of a "newsroom."  

So I know full well the who, how, and why they spun this massive election disappointment they felt and they have zero shame. So-called journalists today view themselves as arbiters of social justice and unbiased sharing of fact when they are actually part of the wave to roll America over from the free and open democratic republic they hold in some psychotic vile and repulsive disdain. 

biden is just a pawn in all this. harris couldn't have gotten elected so biden is there as a place holder for those with the actual keys to the power they will use to kick him and you, out of their way. There is no doubt in my mind this formality of an election will be a democrat takeover of the house, the senate, and the White House putting every one of you the American people on notice that you are to either step aside, pay-up, hand over your guns, and keep your mouth shut lest you want to feel the revenge of anarchy and hate you aren't going to be allowed to defend yourself against. 

Thank you Donald Trump for giving it all you had. You helped me regain faith in America for a few years after the pillaging of the country by obama and biden. You helped make it possible for a 10th-grade graduate to work and do well and invest and become financially secure. But in this mentally unstable society, you have to get along to get along, and being yourself wasn't going to go without consequences for your re-election and for the rest of us who lose right along with you on the 3rd of November. 

This so-called election in a few days isn't a referendum on Trump or republicans or democrats, it's a choice people are making not for what kind of country they want to live and raise kids in, it's a referendum on feelings over actions, anger, and anarchy over law and order, force and control. The America about to be reorganized is never going to be able to recover in most of our lifetimes and those who bring this on by voting for it don't deserve the prosperity and freedom they are giving up so have at it. Trump can go back to living a life most only dream about and you fools that will be voting to cap your own futures and those of your children, you can learn the hard way the cost of replacing your common sense with hate.

Adios America.

lethal despair

Odd how I can easily write about almost anything but this. Each time I try I fail and stop. Revealing too much can be a really awful thing I have extensive experience with. But there is no one around, and no judgment to fear so whatever. Over and over can you die from sadness and despair, runs through my head. 

Today was a nice and cool fall-like day. Skies were grey and a nice breeze flowing through the trees. I sat for hours outside soaking up the silence at moms. Silence is nice until it becomes a trigger for memories and the weight of loss. This is a peaceful and mostly quiet neighborhood and I just know life was happening all around me for some although I couldn't see it. No one knows if I am alive or dead and this is my life now. 

My love for mom's house runs deep, it's home and there could never be another. As I look around I see things that mom used to talk about like the tree that needed pruning, the fence-mending, her roses blooming. All these things are comforting to be near then almost instantly I am reminded that what made this house a beautiful warm home is now gone forever.

I've struggled over what to do with two houses when I hardly use much of one. I've left everything unmoved in mom's house and can't bear to think of anyone else living here but can I live here? Next month it will be a year since mom left this earth. 

I've not done well and think I may be giving back some of the progress I had made. I'm told it takes time and maybe it does for some. Those who have a full life and maybe those who like and are around other people do better but that is not my life. 

I've managed to excel at many things I was highly unqualified to do but now and with this, I feel trapped in a world I no longer recognize. It's warm and inviting in this home but without mom sitting in her recliner and wanting to know all that was going on with me it's hard to imagine my despair getting anything but worse over time. 

I haven't moved a thing and can hardly walk into her room. When I walk through the hall I do look in there and almost as quick I have to turn away. That is after a year. Her favorite shirts and her shoes and walker everything is where it was and I can't wrap my head around moving forward enough to figure out what to do with much of it. Some 10 boxes or so I gave to Goodwill but the remainder is this really personal stuff and I just haven't been able to make myself do much more yet.  

Sadness and depression are exhausting. I can feel the weight in my chest. A recent health diagnosis that ordinarily would have sent me into this emotional tornado is now just another thing to deal with and has to be a part of God's plan to end all this just sooner and differently than I had expected. 

My mom always told me when I felt this way to stop and go do something for someone else. She was so wise and had such a beautiful heart and soul. She was a cook and a cake maker and a dressmaker. She made wedding cakes for family members and made my sister's wedding dress saving them tons of money. There are checks written to her that she never cashed for some loan she gave to almost every family member. There are every spice and seasoning in the cupboard in the kitchen and all have their place and she could have told you exactly where they were and what to put them on and how much. There are pots and pans and measuring do-dads and appliances and fancy mixers and on and on. It's all still in there put away nicely and organized as if she was coming back to make us dinner again. If you had a cut or a pain she had every fix that has ever been made and it's all still here right where she had it and she knew where it was. She always told me a place for everything and everything in its place and there is evidence that she lived that way her whole life in every corner of this home.         

Using writing as a purge sometimes works for me to some degree and maybe it has here. This rollercoaster of emotions happens and then it has no place to go so it wells up inside and because I have no other way of dealing with it I often use writing to let some of the pressure off. 

May God bless and care for others going through things right now and may he light the path for all of us to find our way. 

Amen. 

trust me, you aren't..

Some health news came to me today that wasn't what I was hoping for but not that surprising considering the toll losing my mom has had on me. I took some time to sit outside for a bit with a cup of tea and did some soul searching. (yes I have a soul) No real pity party was had but in all honesty, the time frame for the things I thought I might want to do with the rest of my life has now changed both for what I thought about doing in search for some peace in this world without my mom, and when I had in mind to maybe do those things. Some of you who run across this have already gone through this sort of thing and you'll recognize how unsettling it can be.    

As I went through the thoughts spinning around in my head, I did what I always do when faced with difficult news and I examined the worst part and the least bad parts of it to figure out ahead of time how tough it might end up being. So the worst part believe it or not isn't how it's going to be for you, it's how it will affect those around you, your friends, your loved ones, family, etc. Truth is, there IS no one around me now so there's that out of the way. My mom was the only one I let get close as I got older and it was better for her because she needed me so much near the end. Knowing that my mom isn't here to worry and suffer through this with me is oddly comforting and I believe a gift from God. She would have suffered greatly because she always cared more for others than herself and me being her youngest, her baby even at 64, her worry would have been lethal to her before her time.

So as I sipped my tea and sorted through whatever made it through my mind, I was able by the time the tea was gone to remove the worst-case scenario from the table that being having to watch my mom suffer from worry over me. I truly believe God is in control of all of this including most of all the timing and I can't recall there ever being a bad situation for me where I could remove the worst-case scenario off the table so quickly. So thank you God for working that part of this out. Please stand by cause there's more to come.         

At times like this the "thoughts and prayers," are always offered but do you actually know people who stop their entire lives even for a few seconds to close their eyes, bow their heads, and pray for anyone they have said that to? Maybe they do but I'm always skeptical even though I realize its said with the best intentions and from some of the kindest and most thoughtful people around. I won't write it or say it to anyone myself because of how it affects me when I see it and I don't want anyone else to feel like oh here it comes just another something people say. So for what it's worth, here's what I actually do instead.   

I actually do talk to God for those I know going through tough times especially with health issues regardless of whether I think highly of them or they have shown not to be the kind of people I want to ever be around again. Most of those prayers happen when I visit my mom's resting place and I ask that God wrap his arms around everyone in need and those who don't know they are in need yet. I say the names of those I know out loud and I mean all that I say. I don't know if it helps but I know it doesn't hurt and it's better than typing "thoughts and prayers," on a computer and having someone think of it as just stuff people say. 

Just a thought.. 

Take care of yourselves folks even those of you who right now think you are invincible.

Trust me, you aren't. 

un-masked anti-social media

I was born in a Navy hospital in Coronado California on Thursday, February 23, 1956, at 8pm. 

On the floor in our tiny little house, I remember watching the first landing on the moon on our black and white tv set. My music consisted mostly of the Beatles, the Monkeys, Rolling Stones and so on and I had their pictures on my wall. Mom worked long hours on dangerous collections work knocking on doors of delinquent accounts to pay the note on our house that was $46 dollars a month. I found the receipts from all those years ago just recently and many other keepsakes from that time. I pounded on a snare drum in my room that my mom bought me and dreamed of becoming a drummer one day but that and other dreams didn't happen. 

Mom even though we were considered poor I guess, somehow always had presents for us under the tree at Christmas time and I can never forget the used bike she got for me that one year when I was hoping for a new one. It was all she could afford and I was disappointed when I saw it cause all the other kids got brand new shiny Schwinn Stingrays with the banana seats, high handlebars, and flared fenders but I did my best not to show my disappointed and pray she never knew. I felt shame over feeling that way for years until I grew up and understood that mom always gave us whatever she could. She worked to provide for her kids and had no help and never asked for any. She lived for almost 93 years and I've found evidence that every generation in our extended family was the recipient of her giving at one time or another over and above whatever her needs and wants might have been.  

God saw to it that for some reason I was the recipient of rock-solid, decent, and moral values from my mother that shaped who I was to become. That time was different and those morals and values have given way to today's vile and evil values and our society suffers for it. While there are still a few who lived during those times back then still trying to cling to our old values, the dark souls of today who are the products of soulless homes full of manufactured rage and hate where character and decency have been replaced with learning how to get, take, and exploit weakness in our society today are shoving them aside.

It was a blessing to have lived through those times with the best of humanity the world will ever know, and a curse witnessing what we have devolved into since. I believe everything has a cycle and nothing happens by chance. The society we are living in today is vile and evil when compared to generations from the past and those of us old enough to remember how it used to be, we're now too old to turn it around. The worst of humanity is no longer a story you read in the paper from far away, it's in your face every day on social media platforms where people waste a lot of their lives.  

All the isms' of today marxism, socialism, communism, were created and manufactured by the blackest hearts and darkest souls seeking control and power. These forces of evil must create or convince in large numbers enough people willing to play the role of the less than, the powerless, and the unable to succeed in life without taking from others by violence and anarchy if necessary. Living life convinced that you are a victim by those who despise you and America has become a massively lucrative business for professional politicians and professional victims who both make a living off the deception and force you to pay for them both. Facebook is a large part of what is making this society sick by showing in real-time just how heartless and empty many souls are today seeking power and control over our lives while censoring your freedom to oppose. 

One man alone, awkward and ill-spoken as he is, cannot stand between where we came from and where we are going without being crucified, crushed, and destroyed as a lesson to others who might dare to oppose the transformation of America from the once greatest, strongest, wealthiest country on earth to just another 3rd world anarchist led shit hole. 

God bless Donald Trump for trying and eternal shame on the rest of us for not supporting him in enough numbers and with the will and tools necessary to put a permanent end to his crucifixion.  

walking on the moon

It rained tonight.. a good rain. I made a cup of hot tea and sat in front of an opened garage door to take it all in. Hasn't rained here in quite some time and we needed it. The life rain gives is like no other and I knew that in the days ahead I would see that life in many ways that would seem less beautiful and less real. Didn't take long and my thoughts went to my mom and that emotional place I try to mitigate with keeping busy but there was nothing stopping this tonight. It's been nine months since mom passed away and the feelings still run very deep and raw when I can't find something else to occupy my mind.

It's interesting this virus situation that has isolated so many people that I almost feel these days like I have a little bit more in common with people in general than I ever have before. My contact with human beings these days consists of kids in drive-through windows or every month or so a phone conversation I'm forced to have with someone for one reason or another. I can go weeks without speaking to another human being and the funny thing is like today, I was talking to a person at the bank, and instead of my usual get to the point and move on conversations, I just kept rambling until I could tell her interest was waning then she tells me "well I need to let you go..." and I just felt embarrassed knowing I was talking for all the right reasons but to the wrong person and I realize now, there is no right person anymore. I could hear through the phone her shifting around trying to get other things done while I rambled about stuff that had been stuck in my head with no place to go. 

When I was working and around a lot of people I would generally stay quiet and to myself and do my job then go home. I've never found anyone in the last 20-30 years or so who has one single interest in anything that interests me and as odd as that is, it causes me to feel like I have to do this social tap dance when around others staying very quiet with a lot of head-nodding while trying to keep everyone from seeing my eyes all glazed over. Believe me, it is a ton of work trying to keep others from seeing this imaginary neon flashing tattoo on my forehead that says, "I don't know what you just said or what the hell you've been talking about for the past hour.."

When your only interest in Netflix is where the stock priced closed today and you don't watch television or cable news because the world is upside down, and your politics have been canceled by people who think with their feelings instead of their brains, and you're a single old man with as much interest in dating as in watching a video montage of Hells Angels getting colonoscopies, what is there left to talk about at a get-together? The very few social events I've been to like this I usually end up leaving and feeling like I'm going to throw up before I can get back to my car.

The more I have the less I use. Two houses, 6 bedrooms, 4 baths more than I ever would want or need and I sleep on a couch in one house, and the last 2 times it's rained I spent hours sitting either inside my car in the driveway or in a garage on a lawn chair wondering what to do with the life I have left and never coming up with an answer. It feels like I'm walking on the moon alone, aimlessly with no way back to earth. Treading water is not what my mom wanted for me and I feel somewhat guilty having so much and feeling so empty. Ms. J across the street she is 93 the same age my mom would have been, she fell and broke her hip a couple days ago. Her daughter doesn't think she'll be able to live alone in her house anymore when she recovers. It's just so painfully sad and to think one day, that will be me.. There have been in the 2 blocks between both my houses 11 older folks who have passed away in the past very few years. Enough to keep me aware of how very short this life is and how totally ashamed I am that I may be wasting what is left of mine.

The title of this post should have been, don't be me. Then I could add all the advice I give and don't take like, cherish what time you have left and live every day like it's your last because it just might be.. Make sure those you care about know every single day how much they mean to you and do it in person face to face or it won't mean much. The first time I watched someone so close to me pass away was my mom. I was right there with her and I can tell you that when your loved one takes their last breath, it's done, it's over, the end. There are no more seconds or minutes to say anything or do anything it just ends and they are gone forever in an instant. God blessed me with being there to take care of her for some time before her passing and then afterwards all the things that have to be done. As blessed as I feel it is also one of the deepest and heaviest emotional struggles I could have ever imagined even to this day. 

There is a very small book maybe 30 or 40 small pages that I have had for many years it's called "If Only I knew," written by Lance Wubbels. I am a terrible reader and trust me you could read this little book in 30 minutes and it very well could be the most important reminder of how much the people in your life mean to you right this very minute and before they are gone. Each page has a one or two-sentence reminder of what is important and you can never forget it. I think it's under $10 bucks here - If Only I knew

it was time

at least a few times a day even after nine months you've been gone, I’m still checking my phone to make sure I didn't miss a call from you. It will be nine months tomorrow morning at 1:48am that the Lord decided that it was time to make your body whole again, to take away your illnesses and difficulty walking and breathing. It was time at sixty-four years old for your son to finally grow up and take on the world without you being here. But the messages I get now are when I see a redbird and it's mate flittering around in the trees at your house or a stray cat looking to me for food like they did you. Important things were never in emails or voice mails anyway and you hated talking on the phone preferring to see and talk in person. You were so right on all the important things.

Our dinners on Sundays I still try to have by myself but they don't taste like they did when you were here and the shows we watched aren't allowed on television anymore. My smiles and laughter as rare as they used to be are even more so now but I am trying because I know that is what you would want. When something does strike me as funny I almost instantly feel a sense of guilt that how could I ever smile again without you here in my life. But you are in my life and the signs are everywhere. I know you want me to lighten up and I'm trying. When I think of you I instantly know how you want me to be alright and you have to be aware that I'm doing the best that I can and I won't stop trying because of the promises I made before you left this earth.

Some days I do OK and that is a change that time and acceptance are giving me. Maybe it's the signs from you and God that I've asked for in prayer, I'd like to think so. I've made it through one closet almost entirely and I hope you are alright with where I'm donating your things. It's hard not to find a thousand reasons to keep everything you ever touched but I know that I can't it's just too hard. So many photos from lives past and I'm trying to sort through as many as I can and get them to those who should have them. My prayer is that you aren't too disappointed in my sadness when I feel it, and the sorrow in my soul you were so afraid would consume me without you being here. I'm afraid of that too but I really am working on it.

I'll see you again one day my sweet mom and I can hardly wait. Keep sending me signs that could only come from you and I'll keep working to be ok. I love you mom. 

when I'm dead

I'd like to just have one good solid epiphany in my life and call it a day but they just keep coming one after another. I've just about gotten over the idea this blog would be useful to the one person I thought might want to know what I was like when I was here. I must have started writing here on the one day I misplaced my skepticism about it but I've definitely found it again. Still, I write for the same reasons that I kept going to school a few days a week knowing they didn't want me there any more than I did.

I read an article today about a comedian I never really cared for while he was alive but I discovered some weird similarities in his life and mine. Garry Shandling died at I think 66 in 2016 of a heart attack. He looked at life very differently than a lot of people did and near the end of his life, he had a habit of just walking away from things he was quite good at if he lost interest. That's the thing that had me reading further to see if we had any other similarities cause God knows most people find something they're good at and then wear it out fearing there might not be anything else left in the tank.

He died at 66 and I'm 64. His last serious girlfriend told of him taking Excedrin every day for the last 5 years of his life would make swiss cheese out of his liver. I've taken Excedrin every day of my life for about the past 30 years. When you have an auto-immune disease that causes you to experience unbearable pain every day, you take what you need to and we sure had that in common. He had thyroid issues that increase your risk of a heart attack, and I have thyroid issues. He ended up walking away from lucrative work opportunities because he would get tired of doing the same shit every day. I can't even begin to count how many times I've done that but many is as close as I can get.

When Garry died he left almost all his modest millions to a charity hospital. For those few who might have hoped otherwise, I too am leaving what's left to St Judes Children's Research Hospital and Shriners Hospital for Children. The similarities from personality to work to health issues are wildly similar to my own and I have felt and said this a few times that if I were to live another 5 years from now no one will be more surprised than me. Garry was cremated and his ashes were given to a friend or family they aren't sure. I've put in my will and paid for my own cremation and having no more family left, just dig the hole next to my mom that is already designated for me and drop my mess in there and be done with it. None of this ceremonial nonsense where people have to make the decision to either go bowling or spend an hour next to my mess when they weren't there for my life in the first place. So no worries that I would want to ruin anyone's afternoon to have to come and pretend to give a shit when I'm finally stuffed in a bottle.

 The final oddity is how I never cared much about Shandling when he was alive and how little I care for myself these days now that mom has passed away so the end of our lives will likely be similar as well, alone, heart attack, and dropped in the ground to be forgotten. When God decides I've had enough here on earth, sometime after seeing my mom again and meeting my grandfather and my uncle Dub, I want to meet up with Garry and talk for a while. We'll have a few laughs and trade a few lies.

the long goodbye

Every one of us has examples of people in or around our lives that have been disappointing or turned out to be someone other than who we thought they were. This was a rare thing back in the day when I was growing up but not anymore. Before there was this connection to the entire world through the internet there were friends we actually knew and didn't want to hurt or disappoint. Back then you would have to pick up a telephone and dial a number you knew by heart to have a conversation with someone you would actually see and talk to in person at some point making civil behavior important. Not having a portal to the world kept most of us from knowing just how many levels of human scum there actually are and their names we would never know. 

With the onset of the internet, people can shout and scream about things they barely have scant knowledge of from sources with zero credibility and they can spew that ignorance to other people who they do not know and never will making the entire exercise of social media one of the most embarrassing wastes of time for all who participate including, by the way, me and this blog post.         

It was something, maybe a moment surrounded by a bad mistake I'd made, an epiphany, it was forty some odd years ago maybe during one of those rare unmedicated weekends that I discovered at least half of all people in this world actually suck. We didn't have headlines to inflame the rhetoric written by fake journalists or internet mobs. Anarchy and rioting only happened in 3rd world countries and would never have been tolerated even by a liberal political party here in the US. That's all changed now and there is no shame for those taking part in it here.   

I began this blog sometime after finding out that my father who I had only met a couple of times decades ago, had passed away. To this day after much research, I still do not know where he was laid to rest nor do I know the names of my half brothers and sisters that I would love to meet one day. But the information in cases like this often results in the same never-ending circles leading back to where I started. My intention was to give someone who is important to me but clearly doesn't realize it, a way to know more about me in the event of my passing than I know about my own father. While the exercise may well fall short of my goal, it's here just in case and I sure wish I had a way like this to "get to know," who my father was, the things he thought about and were important to him, just some stuff like that. 

One thing I DO know about my father and it's ironic I suppose is that he was a no-nonsense kind of guy. According to some of his shipmates on the USS Coral Sea where he served the country in Vietnam, he had a giant heart of gold, was the greatest friend, and would seriously get on your ass for being or doing something stupid that got you in a jam. He did not suffer fools well and when his crew on the ship got into trouble he would back them up to ten thousand percent, then take them aside and ream them out if they deserved it. One said you didn't want to get on his bad side.. Point is, my father would not have tolerated this newfound internet life most people fill their time with today. This all sounds very familiar to me and we could have had some pretty lively talks about it had we spent time together before he passed. But we'll see each other again one day and maybe we'll talk then. But I digress..        

I've deleted Twitter, stopped posting on Instagram, and the last to go is going to be Facebook where I have 5,000 "friends," and don't actually know even 1 of them. The back and forths some time ago on FB forced me into realizing even the people I had actually met and knew personally, I really didn't know much about at all.  I think there is such a thing as knowing too much about someone because the more I saw the more disappointed I became. So I deleted about 900 names on my FB "friend," list, then repopulated the list with those with similar interests only in photography, art, and the visual stuff that used to keep me upbeat and looking forward to brighter days before my mom passed away in November. I thought I could trick myself into finding those passions again that I used to have and maybe even find a new one but it hasn't really happened like that and Facebook will be the next and final "un-sociable media," platform to go when I'm certain my connection to other people in general just isn't in the cards for me. 

The quality of people's character cannot be assessed from a computer screen or the internet, and the likelihood of me ending up annoyed or pissed off increases exponentially with whatever time I spend on one. My conclusion is that in order to regain any meaningful connection to people in general, I'm going to have to find a way to go way back in time when folks actually met and knew each other on a personal level without a cell phone or constant connection to the internet. My definition of a friend comes from a time before the internet was ever thought about and the fact I can count my real friends on one hand assures me that those old traditional character requirements are still in place exactly where they should be. I'm in a place now where mistakes hardly even get close and I can attribute that to the fine art limiting my exposure to folks in general and realizing just how extremely short life actually is not wanting to waste any more of my time. 

There are some good people out there I'm certain there are, just as I am certain the longer one spends on the internet the less likely they are to find them.. My preference is to be completely alone instead of having thousands of fake friends on a computer and to just forge ahead to "be right and to do right," as mom told me just before she went to heaven. 

So the "long goodbye" that has been in progress since November 16, 2019, continues and if by chance the 3 or 4 actual friends I do have remain till the very end, I will consider myself to be the lucky one. And for those who won't be there till the end, I'm even luckier still by your absence.

May God keep his hand on your shoulder and guide you through your journey.

Warsh your hands.

Wear a mask.                

the old man across the street

Justin Bieber is worth 265 million dollars. Queen Elizabeth is married to her cousin and has been for 70 years. America has endured its first attempted coupe of an elected president. Kanye West writes a blistering song about gold diggers then marries Kim Kardashian. School superintendents fight for the right of boys to follow girls into the bathrooms at school. Cher believes her daughter is her son.   Our grandparents and great grandparents living in nursing homes are taken from us by a virus forced on them by those entrusted to protect them, and us. Hate and violence, rioting, looting, and arson are now an acceptable form of "peaceful protesting," and defending the rule of law and order is now"racist." As America learns what happened in the weeks and months prior to our last presidential election, a member of the most corrupt administration this country has ever seen, a man who doesn't know his sister from his wife, is now running for president.

        

A pandemic has enveloped the world and changed the lives of every human being on earth but only black lives matter. Religion and guns are bad but bad people are victims. White is racist, words are racist, civility and law-abiding behavior are racist, corporations who don't hire and promote one race over another is now racist, history and statues are racist, an opposing viewpoint is racist, to express an opposing viewpoint is unthinkable and will not be tolerated, this post must now be racist, the American flag is racist and standing for the national anthem is abhorrent and racist, anything and everything that anyone finds offensive is racist, America itself, it's ideals and values and unlimited possibilities for all that most of the world can only dream about, all racist. We hold all these things to be true because those who are actually racist who are actively involved in tearing America down are demanding we believe in their lunacy diatribes or they will beat you to death with clubs or fists, throw human feces in your face, ransack and burn down your business or home and destroy your life. While the entire world watches in disbelief that this could even happen in America, the one beacon of hope for everyone on earth can be taken to its knees by a radicalized Marxist mob lead by democrats who are about to take power over every word you are allowed to speak, every thought you are allowed to think, your money, your business, and your future. 

Cities have fallen, states, people who you would never think could ever fall for anarchy in our streets at the hands of vermin who are beyond reach are kneeling before the mobs literally. Law enforcement, police chiefs, mayors, the military, some of your friends, and family members, those who grew up in an imperfect but God-fearing beautiful country have devolved into supporting a radicalized socialist ideology that in 3 short months is going to rule their lives.

And the old man across the street hangs his head in shame and disgust after living long enough to have lost some of his physical abilities and had to watch as some of the most precious loves of his life pass away, and now his country is dying too.

There appears to be just one man and a very few others mostly silenced and in fear standing between the greatest country in the world despite its flaws, and the full-blown hell of socialism.  That man has been paid for trying to stave off where we are headed while being crucified for his awkward audacity to put America and Americans in the crosshairs of prosperity, justice, and opportunity for all. 

My belief is that God has a plan for everyone and everything. There are no coincidences and luck is that which comes from following his plan, and not yours. The losses the old man across the street has suffered have brought him to this place where he can't do all the things he used to do but he can still try each day he is still here to find a reason to smile and maybe find something to look forward to. He would tell you those brighter tomorrows are still possible even when faced with hardship and heartache beyond measure but not for those who have a hand in evil. 

The use of hatred to fight perceived hate is just more hate and all life matters isn't a political statement or a slogan used and painted on streets to appease a domestic terrorist organization. The old man across the street tells me God's plan cannot be fulfilled for any of us while we are willingly consuming the hatred being shoved down our throats every day by those whose entire purpose is to foment that which is taking this society to a very dark place. He tells me to turn it off, log out, get it off your phone, don't watch the imagery on television, and refuse to buy into what you know to be political posturing to regain control of the lives and freedoms of 340 million of you and your money for power.

I've taken some of the old man's advice and still working on other parts. I took Twitter off my phone and stopped watching the news altogether. Went into Facebook and deleted everyone I actually knew from the "friend," list and re-populated that list only with people from the arts and photography world the old man said would probably be more satisfying and less stressful than all the group thinker back and forths until I get the point where I can delete all the ills of social media entirely. It's better now and I highly recommend the exercise of getting as far away from the ills of social media as possible. The old man is teaching me that spending less time wasted adds up in the end and the end comes soon enough-

the old man across the street 

why old people cry

Sunday, May 10, 2020

my mind has had me going in all sorts of directions today. Overnight I had a very vivid dream of a time I worked in television on a story with a very well known guy and the producer was questioning me about my day rates while the famous guy was at his desk within ear-shot getting his things together. It was never a good sign when a network underling would bring up the subject of how much you would be charging on the day OF the shoot. All those details are set in stone by unions and well known ahead of time so I was getting annoyed. I ended up having to explain a few things I never should of had to and by the time I was finished everyone in the office overhearing this nonsense was visibly uneasy except for the famous guy who knew me very well and had this satisfying smirk on his face like, you tell em' zuke.. Then I woke up at the crack of noon.and was reminded by my phone, my laptop, and my desktop that today was Mother's Day as if I had to be reminded my first "Mother's Day," since mom went to heaven.

For the past 2 or 3 years now I had designated every Sunday as Mother's Day where I would come over and we would cook lunch and maybe go for a drive for her to see how much the city had changed. We would watch some TV, talk about some politics and the stock markets, and what all I had scheduled for work in the coming week and just generally fix all the problems of the world and scoff at those screwing it up. So today's harsh reminders that it was Mother's Day after losing my mom just a few months ago only served to re-enforce what I already knew, there is no place in this society and no solace in this world for motherless sons and daughters.

My decision some time ago to make all Sundays a special day for us would turn out to be a godsend in a way for me as all the lucky ones who still have their moms got to celebrate while I was blessed with just having another sad day like all the ones since my mom left this world. No better and no worse than all the others, just another one.

I had a couple moments earlier but got through em OK and it reminded me of when my Gran used to tear up and cry at the end of a visit when it was time to go home. I didn't understand it then but I think I do now. My mom and I cried together several times near the end and it felt much the same as when her mom would cry and it had all come full circle with us. I know now why we cry sometimes when we get older and it isn't just a sad thing to see, it's also a very loving expression one reserves just for those loved the most who the elder fears they may never see again on this earth. 

A lot of cruel things happen to us when we get old but perhaps the cruelest of them all is not being ready for the end and being totally aware when it's near. My mom knew and her mom knew before their time here on earth had come to an end and those tears were the only way they had left to tell you how much they will miss touching your face and feeling the warmth of that hug and hearing your voice just one more time. 

When older people cry it's a very tough thing to see because down deep we know what it means. The love and the fear one feels when you get older is far more intense than it once was and it is to be embraced and given it's due on the spot when it presents itself. My mom would tell me for days before she left this earth that she was dying and I wasn't having any of it even though I could see we weren't getting any better. And just as I thought all my emotions had been spent here would come another intense wave and I would whale like a wounded animal whenever I managed to get to out of earshot of everyone.   Crying when we get old is that thing our mind makes us do when we can no longer express everything we feel with words.

Most older people have already given everything they have ever had to others by the time they leave this world and crying with me near the end was us sharing the massive loss that was to come. Mom worried about what would happen to me without her here because she knew she was my entire world. I told her I would be OK and not to worry but I was never good at lying and she worried.

If you live long enough you will see your families grow up and move away, friends will die, faces and memories will fade and loneliness and heartache may be your only companion. When you see an older person cry it may be for you like it probably was for my mom. Whatever it's about it needs to be held and comforted and touched and made easier.

God knows that I feel like if I never take another breath of air on this earth that I have experienced the greatest unconditional love a human being can know by my mom who was always my everything. Mother's day is every day for me now.

Mom, please continue to guide me through this time with your light and God keep your hand on my shoulder to let me know you're there taking care of your sweetest angel.

hair in my hash browns

I've been pretty good about staying home and eating everything in the house to keep from going to get something let alone going to a McDonalds- Well, I wanted a McGriddle today and the urge was too much to ignore. Mcdonalds on the South Freeway at Felix was easy to get to and I ordered a hash brown w/the McGriddle. I used gloves to pay and received the bag and to transfer the "fiood," from the paper it was in, to a plate.

 As I took a bite ofo the hash brown I could feel what felt like a hair IN MY MOUTH and I pulled it out of the hashbrown still in my mouth that I immediately spit in the trash- So worrying about my hands and the hands of others is one thing, ending up with someone's hair in my mouth is quite another even if there wasn't a deadly plague wrecking the world.

The moral of this nightmare is that no matter the precautions you will take or not take, it is the actions and inactions of others you have to be concerned with and have no control over. 

my gift to women everywhere

I alternate between one old pair of work boots and one or two pairs of tennis shoes. But I have dozens of pairs of shoes. Between washings, I wear maybe 2 or 3 pairs of jeans a week and I would estimate conservatively that I have 3 to 4 dozen pairs of jeans stacked up on shelves in the closet. Some fit, some never did, and a lot never will again. My guess is I have 3 or 4 dozen shirts maybe more. Some will button up over my stomach but a lot of them I can hear threads screaming mercilessly as I hold in my breath trying to get them on. I used to wear these shirts to work but now there is no work and as far as I can tell from where I sit, there may never be again. I could have retired a couple of years ago if I had wanted but now I just want it to be me in charge of the choice and not some new world order. I guess it doesn't matter the result is the same.

I have drawers stuffed with socks and underpants some without holes. When I bought this house it stayed empty for over a year because I just couldn't see myself living in a 3 bedroom when all I needed was one. There is a fancy dining room table and chairs that I paid an embarrassing amount of money for that served as a catch-all for cameras and gear I used to come in from work with but no longer do. I've eaten at that fancy table one time in the 20 plus years I've been in this house. At the same time I got the dining room set I also got this really fancy set of bedroom furniture for the master bedroom that looks really nice and functions as a place to put things on top of so I won't forget what I have or where i put it so I don't order more of them in some late night binge of illogical depression. That's why I have so much crap. 

Since mom passed away I have 2 houses fully furnished and more or less I live in 2 rooms of one of them. While I was working I felt like I had to have all the latest technology for all my gear so I have 5 or 6 still cameras with a half dozen lenses, half dozen $600 dollar flash attachments, triggers, strobes and so on. 4 video cameras HD, 4K, and older ones, and today I don't use any of it so they sit and gather dust.

To say that I am drowning in things is an offensive understatement. My personality and extreme lack of patience don't allow me to haggle or negotiate with people so trying to sell things is out of the question. In the past when I've tried to sell things I end up suggesting to potential interested parties with too many questions to go do things to themselves that would be physically impossible.

My dream goal is to liquidate just about everything I own and move off to a few hundred acres in the middle of America (or some other country) and live out the rest of the time God intends me to be here. I'll do it alone so as not to punish some poor unsuspecting woman who thinks maybe I've grown up and matured with my age. Ha! To women everywhere who are at this moment fixing their hair and makeup and painting on pants 3 sizes too small just to get a sexy photo for Instagram, my gift to you is to look at you but then leave you the hell alone to find your own misery without my involvement. #YoureWelcome 

A "stuff" broker is what I need. Someone to get between me and a buyer for a ton of this stuff and then purge like there was no tomorrow which is entirely possible. Gathering and dragging around all the mounds of crap we accumulate over a lifetime has come to an end with me. What we actually need in comparison to what we collect is a fairly disturbing view of our mental health status when you step back and take it all in. 

All I need is a few chickens, a couple pet cows, a dog, a cabin, my guns, and some acreage between me and other humans and not necessarily to protect me, but to protect them.

before it's too late

 I've watched this video message more times than I can count. Every time I watch it there are reminders to me of days I wasted before I grew up. If you absorb the intended message in the video it will end up being the one lesson that will help you sleep when your time of deep sorrow and despair comes, and it will if you live long enough.  If you are a mom and have a son, show them this video and make them watch it again when you feel time slipping away. If you are a son and you are lucky enough to still have your mom here on earth with you no matter if you're a teenager or already an old man like me, watch this video today, right now, and before it's too late.

The lives of those still here with you on this earth, those that you will find it close to impossible to live without, those lives will be gone one day and you're going to need to talk to them, hold them, and spend time with them and you can't. They will be gone forever. Those lives that you love need you too and right now while they are still here, show them. I would like to think one person will see this and be motivated to go see or call their mom or dad and spend time with them right now. Don't let the time slip by and find yourself with none left. Those you love need you too-

maybe you need this

this was a day to be reflective. I wasn't ready or felt a need to be, this is just what happened and I thought there might be others out there who could use this. It's a YouTube channel called Goalcast. <<< link

I started subscribing to a lot of different types of YouTube channels when my tolerance for broadcast television started running low. There just isn't enough TVLand shows from the 60s and I need distractions now and then these days. But just like I did with social media I began realizing that I was wasting too much time there, the time I don't feel I have any more of to waste. I went through my FaceBook list of "friends," and didn't look at the names I just began to cut the number down to a more real-life number then I ended up just removing them all except the few that have passed away. With YouTube I had stopped the new video alerts I would get on my browser so not to be bothered with so many then I changed my settings back to getting alerts and instead just un-subed from dozens of old interests I no longer have, except for ones like Goalcast. <<< link

Today I got an alert from there and I hadn't been on that page in a long time. I watched one video and it hit me that in this very uncertain time that I am in right now there actually is some very encouraging and validating content that was right at my fingertips this entire time and I was missing out.

I thought perhaps like me, someone out there might need this too. If that is you, I recommend it and I encourage you to consume more of this kind of content than all the other garbage readily available that you may be filling your head with like I was.

Peace.

grandpa

it's who my Grandmother and my mother were that has me wishing I had known my Grandfather. I've been sorting through a lot of photos of him lately since mom died. He was over 6 foot tall and had gentle eyes, a good looking guy and my mom would always tear up when talking about daddy. He and my gran lived through some really tough times back then and yet they remained good solid and decent human beings that raised a boy and 4 girls who all managed to make their parents proud. This was back when 25 cents would buy a piece of steak that would feed all of them.

Today was a solemn day, a day when I couldn't manage to feel like getting up to go do anything really. When those days happen the memories and then the sadness is right there under the surface. It was like that today. I kept away from tv and the cable news propaganda and just kind of sat around thinking about all the things I wasn't getting done and trying to dream up some sort of plan for my new life. I didn't get very far with that and then the whole day went by like so many do even with my newfound understanding of just how short life is. I feel like such the fool now for wasting even a minute.

Over the years I've often felt like I was this guy who was born about 100 years past his time. When I go through these old photos and I try an imagine what it would have been like to have grown up and been influenced by all these good sturdy people my mom grew up with. I'll never know what it would have been like but I do wonder about it a lot now. I made some bad mistakes in my younger days that would have crushed the hearts of those people had they been here to see it and all along it was breaking my mom's heart with worry some 45 years ago. That was what changed my life from a dumbass young risk-taker to wanting to be the son my mom deserved to have had. Mom is the one who saved my life back then just by being someone I couldn't bear to shame anymore. I turned my life around because of her and wanted to make her proud.

Mom in my grans arms, 2 of my aunts, and grandpa

Our Matthews family area at Laurel Land Cemetery is where all these giants of my family are laid to rest and my mom is buried between her beloved brother Dub and a plot reserved for me so we can all be together. Maybe it sounds morbid but I can't wait to see them all again and to meet Dub and my grandpa for the first time. I'm not quite ready just yet cause I've got some promises to keep that I made to my mom to sort out everyone's things and I feel worthless that I wasted this entire day doing nothing. Tomorrow I'll pick back up and get busy and God willing he'll give me another day to replace this one to get it all done. I so look forward to the day I can say Mom I did it, t's all done and then my ticket already pre-paid and in hand I'll be ready to go. I know Dub is gonna want to have a beer up there and maybe by then I'll have developed a taste for it.

now what

got some work done at Moms today. I was able to give a bunch of Tupperware I found to the neighbor next door. Her daughter isn't working and her husband passed away suddenly a few years ago and he was such a great and loyal friend to my mom and me and would have appreciated the gesture.

After mowing over there I sat down just inside the garage door opening to feel a nice cool breeze. Everything is beautifully green and I was wishing my mom was there to enjoy it with me. I hope she approves of what I'm trying to get done by giving away things she hadn't been using to the nice people we both knew who'll use them and need it more than me.

Be careful what you wish for, has been taking up a lot of space in my mind lately. Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain but all the happiness and growth happens while you're climbing it and not at the top. That quote is attributed to Andy Rooney of all people and I regret feeling like I spent far too much time looking towards the peak and missing the joy of the climb. You don't want to be like me and find yourself up there all alone and thinking, ok, now what- 

Maybe a lot of people these days are finding that work gives and means more to you than just a paycheck. The motivation to get up and have to be somewhere, I miss that. But will I ever want to work again or maybe I'll sell everything and move away and finish off my time in a place I've never been before where no one knows me and this new life I'm supposed to have ahead of me can begin.  I've gone so far as to look up how to legally change one's identity and go away and totally disappear. It's a lot of work but it can be done and it gets a spot on my list of possibilities when and if I can get everyone's things all sorted out here.

Working for me was always only about making money and as much as possible till I got enough and now that this virus calamity has taken work away and I'm financially secure, I  realize there are things related to working that are actually more important than just the check. When I was in school I wasn't the guy who always got the pretty girl until I did and then it was, ok, now what. There were all these exotic places I used to think I'd love to go see in person and then I traveled the world a few times and even aside from the virus, doing more of that has lost its appeal. Photography, editing, creating, been there done that, and did well. A feeling of intense blah has taken up residence in my head where passions and excitement used to live. I made the money, traveled the world, kissed a couple pretty gals, made some pretty photos, had an exciting career but ok, now what.

I took this picture from where I was sitting and it's just so peaceful looking and the day was so nice I wondered if I would ever be able to find another place this nice and yet it's impossible to go inside where mom used to greet me with this big smile but she isn't there anymore. I know it's crazy but every time I walk in her house from the garage I am still pausing for a fraction of a second to listen for her voice-

Today I woke up over at the other house and I usually turn the TV on pretty quick to avoid the silence and the thoughts that come with it but today I just laid there for a while. Bad idea. I picked up my phone to check for a message or an email that is never there anymore and so I just lay there with sadness and despair that are my only companions now.

I planted the last of the plants that I brought home from mom's funeral out in the back of her house but I doubt they will take I think I waited too long. Her roses are all blooming like crazy as if she were still there to love them and be excited to show them to me. Trimmed some hedges and mowed there and here at my house. It's not as easy as it used to be and here it is 4am and I'm feeling it. More to do today and the next day and the next till there won't be anything left to do anymore and then I'll have to deal with the now what one last time.