why old people cry

Sunday, May 10, 2020

my mind has had me going in all sorts of directions today. Overnight I had a very vivid dream of a time I worked in television on a story with a very well known guy and the producer was questioning me about my day rates while the famous guy was at his desk within ear-shot getting his things together. It was never a good sign when a network underling would bring up the subject of how much you would be charging on the day OF the shoot. All those details are set in stone by unions and well known ahead of time so I was getting annoyed. I ended up having to explain a few things I never should of had to and by the time I was finished everyone in the office overhearing this nonsense was visibly uneasy except for the famous guy who knew me very well and had this satisfying smirk on his face like, you tell em' zuke.. Then I woke up at the crack of noon.and was reminded by my phone, my laptop, and my desktop that today was Mother's Day as if I had to be reminded my first "Mother's Day," since mom went to heaven.

For the past 2 or 3 years now I had designated every Sunday as Mother's Day where I would come over and we would cook lunch and maybe go for a drive for her to see how much the city had changed. We would watch some TV, talk about some politics and the stock markets, and what all I had scheduled for work in the coming week and just generally fix all the problems of the world and scoff at those screwing it up. So today's harsh reminders that it was Mother's Day after losing my mom just a few months ago only served to re-enforce what I already knew, there is no place in this society and no solace in this world for motherless sons and daughters.

My decision some time ago to make all Sundays a special day for us would turn out to be a godsend in a way for me as all the lucky ones who still have their moms got to celebrate while I was blessed with just having another sad day like all the ones since my mom left this world. No better and no worse than all the others, just another one.

I had a couple moments earlier but got through em OK and it reminded me of when my Gran used to tear up and cry at the end of a visit when it was time to go home. I didn't understand it then but I think I do now. My mom and I cried together several times near the end and it felt much the same as when her mom would cry and it had all come full circle with us. I know now why we cry sometimes when we get older and it isn't just a sad thing to see, it's also a very loving expression one reserves just for those loved the most who the elder fears they may never see again on this earth. 

A lot of cruel things happen to us when we get old but perhaps the cruelest of them all is not being ready for the end and being totally aware when it's near. My mom knew and her mom knew before their time here on earth had come to an end and those tears were the only way they had left to tell you how much they will miss touching your face and feeling the warmth of that hug and hearing your voice just one more time. 

When older people cry it's a very tough thing to see because down deep we know what it means. The love and the fear one feels when you get older is far more intense than it once was and it is to be embraced and given it's due on the spot when it presents itself. My mom would tell me for days before she left this earth that she was dying and I wasn't having any of it even though I could see we weren't getting any better. And just as I thought all my emotions had been spent here would come another intense wave and I would whale like a wounded animal whenever I managed to get to out of earshot of everyone.   Crying when we get old is that thing our mind makes us do when we can no longer express everything we feel with words.

Most older people have already given everything they have ever had to others by the time they leave this world and crying with me near the end was us sharing the massive loss that was to come. Mom worried about what would happen to me without her here because she knew she was my entire world. I told her I would be OK and not to worry but I was never good at lying and she worried.

If you live long enough you will see your families grow up and move away, friends will die, faces and memories will fade and loneliness and heartache may be your only companion. When you see an older person cry it may be for you like it probably was for my mom. Whatever it's about it needs to be held and comforted and touched and made easier.

God knows that I feel like if I never take another breath of air on this earth that I have experienced the greatest unconditional love a human being can know by my mom who was always my everything. Mother's day is every day for me now.

Mom, please continue to guide me through this time with your light and God keep your hand on my shoulder to let me know you're there taking care of your sweetest angel.

outside the window

The first part of this is a brief description of what I observed today during a two-hour excursion outside the window. I had to drop off some paperwork for my taxes and then I drove over to a food type place but not a grocery store.

The traffic middle of the day was very light and the drive quite easy. No one was cutting me off when I tried to get into the correct lane from the one I was in. I approached the office building I was looking for and with one exception, the parking lot was empty. My first thought was that it might be closed. It wasn't.

My accountant is also a very close friend and was to my mom as well. She came to mom's funeral and was visibly moved. My mom loved her and she is very dear to me. I've been keeping a very close eye on all the information about Covid-19 and rightfully concerned about it's spread to those who are least able to fight it. When I got my paperwork together this morning at home in anticipation for the delivery, I had the well being of my friend in mind when I washed my hands and then put gloves on to handle the papers and folders so that I could assure her that they were completely safe to handle knowing she was probably handling many dozens of sets of paperwork this time of year and would have no idea how they had been handled.

I went inside the office and was greeted by a lady who looked shocked to see me walk in and did several double-takes at me wearing gloves. She appeared so confused at the gloves as if she couldn't imagine why anyone would wear them at a time like this. I set my paperwork down on the counter and told her what the papers were and who they needed to go to and left. This is an office of accountants and they handle untold thousands of papers every day and if you have paid close attention to the information from the experts, you know that the virus can be active on top of paper and cardboard for upwards of 48 hours. She was clearly unconcerned.

I left and drove to the food place where an older gentleman was walking in at the same time and I held the door open for him so he wouldn't have to worry about touching the handle if he was concerned about it. I watched him as he shopped touching things on the shelf touched by thousands of other people and then the nose scratches, face touching, picking up other things and setting them back on the shelf and so on. At the counter, the lady came from the back where food is prepared and had no protective wear on. No mask, no gloves, nothing. She was taking money that can have an active virus on it for days from customers with her bare hands. She touched the counters and the register, she then used her unprotected hands to give this elderly man his change and he took it and off he went having just taken at least a half dozen chances with his own life I presume,  unknowingly. Did he take those chances back home to an elderly wife or grandkids or?

Conclusions with opinion.

Clearly, people outside your window can be put into at least 3 categories which can result in someone else becoming from sick, to dead. There are those who are not taking this virus seriously enough, those who are taking it seriously but not taking all the precautions and those who are paying close attention to the problem and taking all the precautions. The problem is, ALL of these people look exactly alike and you aren't going to be able to tell which one of these people they are.

So this is why the Covid-19 virus is as big a deal as you have ever seen in your life whether or not you understand that or you don't. Despite the 80% who will be infected and be alright, 1000 people are dead in Italy just today. Over 9,000 total in Italy alone and rising. Those people aren't just unfortunate numbers, they were someone's mother, father, grandparents, and kids maybe. Almost 6,000 deaths in France and nearly 2,000 are now dead in the US. There are over 100,000 cases in America that we know of as of this writing and growing every second. The numbers sound so sanitary and impersonal, don't they? But some of them probably didn't have to die if not for the carelessness of someone else who may think this isn't all that big a deal. 

America went from the greatest economy this republic has ever seen to a crash in a few weeks that is going to have ripple effects for every one of you whether you understand that yet or not. The "cure" for the economy by itself is going to end up being a calamity of historic proportions by the time we're done. This country has never seen the levels of inflation that is coming from printing money over by the window and shoving it out. Will you remember that $1200 bucks you got when a loaf of bread is $25-$50 dollars and the job you used to have doesn't exist anymore?

Then there is the damage to America's healthcare system that was already tough for some. The new damage from this no big deal virus cannot even be imagined yet. The forecasts of how bad it's going to end up being too mind-numbing to repeat or think about. So what's the point in a post like this, well, you can take heart not many will read it, much fewer will believe it, and even fewer will understand any of it. A lot of people are just sitting back flittering around and enjoying the view while life, as we knew it in America, has already changed so fast that you haven't even felt the vibration yet. It's no wonder this virus is spreading like a wildfire with what little I witnessed today. The trouble with this pandemic and its ripple effects is that we were already suffering an extreme ignorance and ideology pandemic inside the last couple of the what's in it for me generations that we were counting on to be better than the generations that spawned them. That's a really bad combination of pandemics for a society that is so very broken.

I expect a full out depression within the next 12 to 18 months and unemployment to reaching 20 million within the next 30 days. Inflation, well, we aren't finished printing money yet so I guess we're waiting on a solar-powered fan capable of blowing it all out the window, but guessing the inflation number would be silly till we run out of ink in the printers. If we can't stay at home for a few weeks without "suffering", and if we can't take basic precautions to save our older generations from the threat of dying from our selfish and willful ignorance, then we aren't worthy of what we had before all this and we full out deserve what I believe is on our doorstep.

Take precautions till this is under control and if not for yourself, do it for those at your mercy-