Notes from the Edge of the Circle

If I were to die right now while writing this, it might be months before anyone discovered it.

My bills are on autopay. Months sometimes pass without a text or a phone call from anyone I once knew. That’s the reality of the life I ended up living.

Being just a couple of years shy of seventy has me conserving what energy I have left to live the days God may give me. Yet I still spend long stretches of days looking back over this life, trying to understand how I arrived here—living in a quiet isolation that sometimes feels like a hermit’s life.

I’ve managed to avoid the usual woe-is-me that often accompanies stories like this. I did well financially and spent years traveling the world with a job that was often interesting and sometimes even fun. But none of those things ever quieted the restless places in my mind.

At my age, thoughts about mortality seem natural. For me they come almost daily. Not in panic or fear, but in quiet acknowledgment of how life has unfolded.

When the matriarch of our family, my grandmother, passed away, the family slowly drifted apart. What had once held everyone together disappeared, and we rarely gathered again except when someone else died.

The Bible says we are meant to leave our parents and go build families of our own. That seems to work for most people. I tried once. Soon after, I found myself pushed out of that life and never attempted it again.

Looking back, the pattern may have started earlier than I realized. As a child, I was often told to play alone rather than with the other kids in the neighborhood. That solitude followed me through school and into adulthood, where being quiet and apart was sometimes mistaken for arrogance when it was really just distance.

A kid who played alone.
A man who stayed that way.

The square peg.

Being young and alone is one thing. Growing old and alone is something else entirely.

Still, I sometimes miss the years when it might have been possible to turn things another way.

In memoriam to easier times, and to those of us who never quite fit anywhere.

twenty twenty four

Another year is almost gone.

One failed marriage quietly set the course for the rest of my life. A long road of solitude that now stretches behind me farther than I ever imagined it would.

The old music still brings the same emotion it always did. The songs, the memories, the people who once filled my life—they all come back the same way they did then. Those days were beautiful, and like most people living through them, I had no idea how quickly they would disappear.

A small part of my life today couldn’t be more perfect. The larger parts remain broken beyond repair—questions that will never be answered and paths that can never be walked again.

Many times I’ve wondered what it would mean if I could trade the successes I’ve had for the failures that mattered most. Would the world look different to me today if I had?

But life doesn’t offer replays. There is no turning around and choosing the other road.

The new year approaches whether we welcome it or not, and I step toward it with more apprehension than hope. The country I once believed in feels like it’s drifting toward something darker—something we fought wars to prevent. If the will existed to stop it, we would have seen it by now. Millions would already be standing up.

But I don’t see it.

So I move forward the only way I know how—through prayer and memory. I think about the people who fought before us, at home and abroad, so future generations would never have to face the kind of world I now fear may be coming.

I listen to the old music. I remember the old days. And I think of those already hurting, and those who may soon feel the weight of what lies ahead.

My hope is simple: that the people who can least afford to suffer somehow find the strength to endure.

Good luck in the year ahead.

Stay close to God. Speak to Him often.

And to the millions of patriots who must still be out there somewhere—may you find the will to act before it is too late.

Godspeed.

hello there old friend

The house was quiet tonight. The kind of quiet that almost has a sound to it.

It’s been a while since I last wrote here, though not much has changed. There have been a few good days scattered in, but mostly the kind where nothing much moves you. I still miss the people who are gone, and I still say real prayers for the people who remain. Sometimes I have to remind myself to include my own name in those prayers.

Jason had a birthday a few days ago. The kid I used to hold next to me is now a middle-aged man with a family of his own. I didn’t call. I never want to force myself into a place where I might not be wanted. He knows how to reach me if he wants to.

That thought always takes me back to my own father. Neither of us called. Not once. And then one day it was too late, and he was gone.

Maybe that’s why I stopped in here tonight. There’s a chill in the air outside — not cold, just uncomfortable enough to notice. I know that feeling well. Sometimes it has nothing to do with the temperature. It’s the same quiet chill that settles over a life lived mostly alone.

Still, there is peace in knowing that, unlike so many others who have passed through my life, my God has not left me. Even when the darkness and silence try to convince me otherwise, I believe his promise that I will never walk alone in this world or the next.

Physically, I haven’t been feeling well the past few weeks, but the lab results tell a better story. The disease that should be getting worse has, at least for now, stayed where it is. For that, I’m thankful.

Ruben stopped by a few days ago to check on me. He didn’t look so good himself — maybe a little thinner than usual. I fed him some of his favorite cat food. One tub turned into three, and he ate almost all of it before wandering over to sit with me for a while. We took our first selfie.

Truth is, Ruben may be the only one who regularly checks to see if I’m still around. No one else ever knows if I’m dead or alive these days.

And if I’m being honest, some days I feel like a little of both..

At least the practical things are getting done. I sent all the tax prep to Mel today and took care of some banking and Ameritrade business — things I usually put off until the last minute. It felt good to finish them early this year.

Tonight the house is quiet again.

But for a little while, it wasn’t.

Thanks for stopping by, Ruben.

the long goodbye

Every one of us has examples of people in or around our lives that have been disappointing or turned out to be someone other than who we thought they were. This was a rare thing back in the day when I was growing up but not anymore. Before there was this connection to the entire world through the internet there were friends we actually knew and didn't want to hurt or disappoint. Back then you would have to pick up a telephone and dial a number you knew by heart to have a conversation with someone you would actually see and talk to in person at some point making civil behavior important. Not having a portal to the world kept most of us from knowing just how many levels of human scum there actually are and their names we would never know. 

With the onset of the internet, people can shout and scream about things they barely have scant knowledge of from sources with zero credibility and they can spew that ignorance to other people who they do not know and never will making the entire exercise of social media one of the most embarrassing wastes of time for all who participate including, by the way, me and this blog post.         

It was something, maybe a moment surrounded by a bad mistake I'd made, an epiphany, it was forty some odd years ago maybe during one of those rare unmedicated weekends that I discovered at least half of all people in this world actually suck. We didn't have headlines to inflame the rhetoric written by fake journalists or internet mobs. Anarchy and rioting only happened in 3rd world countries and would never have been tolerated even by a liberal political party here in the US. That's all changed now and there is no shame for those taking part in it here.   

I began this blog sometime after finding out that my father who I had only met a couple of times decades ago, had passed away. To this day after much research, I still do not know where he was laid to rest nor do I know the names of my half brothers and sisters that I would love to meet one day. But the information in cases like this often results in the same never-ending circles leading back to where I started. My intention was to give someone who is important to me but clearly doesn't realize it, a way to know more about me in the event of my passing than I know about my own father. While the exercise may well fall short of my goal, it's here just in case and I sure wish I had a way like this to "get to know," who my father was, the things he thought about and were important to him, just some stuff like that. 

One thing I DO know about my father and it's ironic I suppose is that he was a no-nonsense kind of guy. According to some of his shipmates on the USS Coral Sea where he served the country in Vietnam, he had a giant heart of gold, was the greatest friend, and would seriously get on your ass for being or doing something stupid that got you in a jam. He did not suffer fools well and when his crew on the ship got into trouble he would back them up to ten thousand percent, then take them aside and ream them out if they deserved it. One said you didn't want to get on his bad side.. Point is, my father would not have tolerated this newfound internet life most people fill their time with today. This all sounds very familiar to me and we could have had some pretty lively talks about it had we spent time together before he passed. But we'll see each other again one day and maybe we'll talk then. But I digress..        

I've deleted Twitter, stopped posting on Instagram, and the last to go is going to be Facebook where I have 5,000 "friends," and don't actually know even 1 of them. The back and forths some time ago on FB forced me into realizing even the people I had actually met and knew personally, I really didn't know much about at all.  I think there is such a thing as knowing too much about someone because the more I saw the more disappointed I became. So I deleted about 900 names on my FB "friend," list, then repopulated the list with those with similar interests only in photography, art, and the visual stuff that used to keep me upbeat and looking forward to brighter days before my mom passed away in November. I thought I could trick myself into finding those passions again that I used to have and maybe even find a new one but it hasn't really happened like that and Facebook will be the next and final "un-sociable media," platform to go when I'm certain my connection to other people in general just isn't in the cards for me. 

The quality of people's character cannot be assessed from a computer screen or the internet, and the likelihood of me ending up annoyed or pissed off increases exponentially with whatever time I spend on one. My conclusion is that in order to regain any meaningful connection to people in general, I'm going to have to find a way to go way back in time when folks actually met and knew each other on a personal level without a cell phone or constant connection to the internet. My definition of a friend comes from a time before the internet was ever thought about and the fact I can count my real friends on one hand assures me that those old traditional character requirements are still in place exactly where they should be. I'm in a place now where mistakes hardly even get close and I can attribute that to the fine art limiting my exposure to folks in general and realizing just how extremely short life actually is not wanting to waste any more of my time. 

There are some good people out there I'm certain there are, just as I am certain the longer one spends on the internet the less likely they are to find them.. My preference is to be completely alone instead of having thousands of fake friends on a computer and to just forge ahead to "be right and to do right," as mom told me just before she went to heaven. 

So the "long goodbye" that has been in progress since November 16, 2019, continues and if by chance the 3 or 4 actual friends I do have remain till the very end, I will consider myself to be the lucky one. And for those who won't be there till the end, I'm even luckier still by your absence.

May God keep his hand on your shoulder and guide you through your journey.

Warsh your hands.

Wear a mask.                

the mouse and the elephant

The lessons available from this virus calamity are all over the place with dozens of new ones popping up every hour and unfortunately, most of them are likely to fly over the heads of many.

A pandemic like the Wuhan China Virus only comes around ever so often but the price paid for it is paid mostly by those who can least afford it. Our parents and grandparents are now unfortunately at the mercy of a lot of the "ME-llennial," generation and that is as frightening as it is chilling. Some thankfully are heading the call to change behaviors in an effort to save others and some are gathering on beaches for spring break and in parks spreading the virus who are clearly glib and don't care.   

But there is actually some hope.

Today I was invited by a very real friend of mine to a link to their church service where the pastor had a great message that was current with a direct link to history that I feel is so important to our survival whether we are in the throes of a worldwide pandemic, or whether all is going exceedingly well like just a few weeks ago.

Reading the anguish and fear some are feeling today made me think of posting this even though only a few dozen will see it. There is no denying we are as a society in very real trouble with this mess today. Some of you are going to lose your jobs, some will lose family members or friends, and the suffering and anxiety are very real and just beginning. Death is very real and easily understood, but the economy and financial health of America for some, is harder to relate to but trust me, you are about to get a better understanding of it all regardless of whether or not you think it relates to you. There are direct unmistakable links between politics, the stock market, the economy, you and your job, AND your future and all of that is going to become more clear to you personally if it hasn't already and regardless if you get infected with the virus or you manage to avoid it.

I want to keep politics in this post at a minimum but it is intrinsically related to where we are and where we will be going and it is going to affect you and everyone you care about. I will only say a couple of things and then leave it here for those who understand it's importance. Imagine if you can, where America would be at this very moment if the economy had not been on a rocket ship to the moon when this virus began and yes, lead by a businessman with an annoying personality. While this unforeseen calamity has vaporized 30% of the gains since Trump's election, just take a minute to think of where we would be if we had elected a professional politician whose ideology sees removing the government's boot off the necks of business and innovation as an afront to social engineering logic. Right now if Trump hadn't had the economy on a rocket ship to historic levels this republic has never seen before, we would already be inside a depression before this virus is even under control. Think about that for a minute. Now think about this, after this pandemic calamity has run its course, what will happen to the rest of this economy that has already lost so much of the cushion Trump gave it, if we elect someone else in 6 months who has already said he will turn back every policy this president has used that boosted this economy to heights never seen before? The bottom line is this if you don't understand the connection between politics and the economy that includes you, your job, and your family's future, educate yourself before you vote to do damage to America that may be impossible to recover from. That's it for politics. Some get it, some never will.

This is what I know for certain about fear and the damage it can do.

The very worst thing I could have ever imagined in my life was losing my mom. She knew I felt this way, she knew how afraid I was, and before she passed away she gave me something that I can say is the only reason I am still alive. She gave me hope and faith that if I would get closer to God that we would see each other again and I know it to be true.

Today the pastor a young guy, relayed a story of him and a colleague who has a picture on his wall in his office that they talk about often. It's a picture of a tiny little mouse dragging a huge elephant up a mountain. This pandemic isn't the only struggle most of us have faced in our lives and how many times have we looked back at where we have been and what we are struggling with and wanted to give up? I know I have MANY times. Maybe the mouse in this picture is dis-couraged at how far he has yet to go dragging this giant elephant or just maybe he's en-couraged by looking back at how far he has come. Just a little perspective on how to look at the days ahead.

We are all still here after all we've been through so far and we took it one small step at a time and decided at some point literally not to look back at where we had been and the struggle that looked impossible, but to look up where we are going and we took another step and then another one and here we are closer to where God is leading us to go.

The struggle and fear is real but you are not alone. There are very powerful people some are hated beyond belief who are doing things to help mitigate the ramifications of an enemy we couldn't see coming. There is a much higher power at work here too that has already paid the full price for you to get from here wherever you are to the top of that mountain where you are headed. Do not waste your time or the price already paid by looking back at where you have been and the struggle ahead. Look up to see where you are going and take another step, then another, and with every step you take you'll be that much closer to where you are intended to be.

When this whole pandemic thing is over do not forget who and what some are doing to help others get through this. Do not ignore the good feeling you get when you see good replacing evil. Look to those generations before us that went through really tough times and instead of folding up they forged ahead and while they were at it, ended up saving the world. If we go through all this and fail to learn the lessons that came with it, all the suffering we experience today will pale in comparison to the next time.

Be well.