why old people cry

Sunday, May 10, 2020

my mind has had me going in all sorts of directions today. Overnight I had a very vivid dream of a time I worked in television on a story with a very well known guy and the producer was questioning me about my day rates while the famous guy was at his desk within ear-shot getting his things together. It was never a good sign when a network underling would bring up the subject of how much you would be charging on the day OF the shoot. All those details are set in stone by unions and well known ahead of time so I was getting annoyed. I ended up having to explain a few things I never should of had to and by the time I was finished everyone in the office overhearing this nonsense was visibly uneasy except for the famous guy who knew me very well and had this satisfying smirk on his face like, you tell em' zuke.. Then I woke up at the crack of noon.and was reminded by my phone, my laptop, and my desktop that today was Mother's Day as if I had to be reminded my first "Mother's Day," since mom went to heaven.

For the past 2 or 3 years now I had designated every Sunday as Mother's Day where I would come over and we would cook lunch and maybe go for a drive for her to see how much the city had changed. We would watch some TV, talk about some politics and the stock markets, and what all I had scheduled for work in the coming week and just generally fix all the problems of the world and scoff at those screwing it up. So today's harsh reminders that it was Mother's Day after losing my mom just a few months ago only served to re-enforce what I already knew, there is no place in this society and no solace in this world for motherless sons and daughters.

My decision some time ago to make all Sundays a special day for us would turn out to be a godsend in a way for me as all the lucky ones who still have their moms got to celebrate while I was blessed with just having another sad day like all the ones since my mom left this world. No better and no worse than all the others, just another one.

I had a couple moments earlier but got through em OK and it reminded me of when my Gran used to tear up and cry at the end of a visit when it was time to go home. I didn't understand it then but I think I do now. My mom and I cried together several times near the end and it felt much the same as when her mom would cry and it had all come full circle with us. I know now why we cry sometimes when we get older and it isn't just a sad thing to see, it's also a very loving expression one reserves just for those loved the most who the elder fears they may never see again on this earth. 

A lot of cruel things happen to us when we get old but perhaps the cruelest of them all is not being ready for the end and being totally aware when it's near. My mom knew and her mom knew before their time here on earth had come to an end and those tears were the only way they had left to tell you how much they will miss touching your face and feeling the warmth of that hug and hearing your voice just one more time. 

When older people cry it's a very tough thing to see because down deep we know what it means. The love and the fear one feels when you get older is far more intense than it once was and it is to be embraced and given it's due on the spot when it presents itself. My mom would tell me for days before she left this earth that she was dying and I wasn't having any of it even though I could see we weren't getting any better. And just as I thought all my emotions had been spent here would come another intense wave and I would whale like a wounded animal whenever I managed to get to out of earshot of everyone.   Crying when we get old is that thing our mind makes us do when we can no longer express everything we feel with words.

Most older people have already given everything they have ever had to others by the time they leave this world and crying with me near the end was us sharing the massive loss that was to come. Mom worried about what would happen to me without her here because she knew she was my entire world. I told her I would be OK and not to worry but I was never good at lying and she worried.

If you live long enough you will see your families grow up and move away, friends will die, faces and memories will fade and loneliness and heartache may be your only companion. When you see an older person cry it may be for you like it probably was for my mom. Whatever it's about it needs to be held and comforted and touched and made easier.

God knows that I feel like if I never take another breath of air on this earth that I have experienced the greatest unconditional love a human being can know by my mom who was always my everything. Mother's day is every day for me now.

Mom, please continue to guide me through this time with your light and God keep your hand on my shoulder to let me know you're there taking care of your sweetest angel.