a year ago

these were the last couple of days a year ago that God let me be with my mom before he took her soul to heaven. We were not doing well and all the signs were there but I wasn't ready. We had our talks and she knew, maybe I did too, but I wasn't willing to be honest with myself or maybe there were just too many things to do to stop and think about it. Mom wasn't able to eat hardly anything and I had tried everything including baby food to get something she could eat. God was speaking to me and I wasn't listening.

This past year has been an emotional rollercoaster of from almost normal at times to the depths of despair all in the span of a few minutes. Many try to tell you it takes time and yet no one knows anyone else's depth of loss and I can admit I didn't even know my own. Our talks were hard and part of them were me trying to convince her that somehow I would be OK and keep going like she wanted for me. God may have a different plan than we had expected with my health issues that she would have been incredibly worried about. 

Coming to terms with a loss of my mom is much harder to get through than coming to grips with my own mortality. My faith and belief is that God took her when he did both to stop her suffering and to prevent her from worrying for me. I truly do believe that was intentional and out of love for an angel who had given everything she ever had to others and needed to rest.  

I miss her every single day and she is always on my mind. Tomorrow is Sunday and we always had dinners on Sunday just me and her. My memories are what triggers the tears and I've never cried as much as I do these days ever in my life. Tomorrow I will go to the cemetery and I'll take a chair and sit for a while and talk to mom and to God who I believe in my heart is holding her tight and helping her not to worry so much for me.

Many people are suffering these days for all sorts of reasons and my hope is that they believe in a higher power as I do because often times that is all we have to lean on and this past year I've leaned on him quite a bit. I'll see mom again one day and much sooner than I had anticipated but I'm alright with that knowing the plan is in place and the outcome is certain. It's been almost a year to the day November 16, 2019, 1:46am and it is as painful today as it was then. 

May God bless and hold all who are suffering. We are not meant to suffer so and there will be a wonderful place for us when our time here on earth is done.