It's interesting this virus situation that has isolated so many people that I almost feel these days like I have a little bit more in common with people in general than I ever have before. My contact with human beings these days consists of kids in drive-through windows or every month or so a phone conversation I'm forced to have with someone for one reason or another. I can go weeks without speaking to another human being and the funny thing is like today, I was talking to a person at the bank, and instead of my usual get to the point and move on conversations, I just kept rambling until I could tell her interest was waning then she tells me "well I need to let you go..." and I just felt embarrassed knowing I was talking for all the right reasons but to the wrong person and I realize now, there is no right person anymore. I could hear through the phone her shifting around trying to get other things done while I rambled about stuff that had been stuck in my head with no place to go.
When I was working and around a lot of people I would generally stay quiet and to myself and do my job then go home. I've never found anyone in the last 20-30 years or so who has one single interest in anything that interests me and as odd as that is, it causes me to feel like I have to do this social tap dance when around others staying very quiet with a lot of head-nodding while trying to keep everyone from seeing my eyes all glazed over. Believe me, it is a ton of work trying to keep others from seeing this imaginary neon flashing tattoo on my forehead that says, "I don't know what you just said or what the hell you've been talking about for the past hour.."
When your only interest in Netflix is where the stock priced closed today and you don't watch television or cable news because the world is upside down, and your politics have been canceled by people who think with their feelings instead of their brains, and you're a single old man with as much interest in dating as in watching a video montage of Hells Angels getting colonoscopies, what is there left to talk about at a get-together? The very few social events I've been to like this I usually end up leaving and feeling like I'm going to throw up before I can get back to my car.
The more I have the less I use. Two houses, 6 bedrooms, 4 baths more than I ever would want or need and I sleep on a couch in one house, and the last 2 times it's rained I spent hours sitting either inside my car in the driveway or in a garage on a lawn chair wondering what to do with the life I have left and never coming up with an answer. It feels like I'm walking on the moon alone, aimlessly with no way back to earth. Treading water is not what my mom wanted for me and I feel somewhat guilty having so much and feeling so empty. Ms. J across the street she is 93 the same age my mom would have been, she fell and broke her hip a couple days ago. Her daughter doesn't think she'll be able to live alone in her house anymore when she recovers. It's just so painfully sad and to think one day, that will be me.. There have been in the 2 blocks between both my houses 11 older folks who have passed away in the past very few years. Enough to keep me aware of how very short this life is and how totally ashamed I am that I may be wasting what is left of mine.
The title of this post should have been, don't be me. Then I could add all the advice I give and don't take like, cherish what time you have left and live every day like it's your last because it just might be.. Make sure those you care about know every single day how much they mean to you and do it in person face to face or it won't mean much. The first time I watched someone so close to me pass away was my mom. I was right there with her and I can tell you that when your loved one takes their last breath, it's done, it's over, the end. There are no more seconds or minutes to say anything or do anything it just ends and they are gone forever in an instant. God blessed me with being there to take care of her for some time before her passing and then afterwards all the things that have to be done. As blessed as I feel it is also one of the deepest and heaviest emotional struggles I could have ever imagined even to this day.
There is a very small book maybe 30 or 40 small pages that I have had for many years it's called "If Only I knew," written by Lance Wubbels. I am a terrible reader and trust me you could read this little book in 30 minutes and it very well could be the most important reminder of how much the people in your life mean to you right this very minute and before they are gone. Each page has a one or two-sentence reminder of what is important and you can never forget it. I think it's under $10 bucks here - If Only I knew
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