I’ve had a day of what I will call low lights. I do not write this for a response or an answer to anything I may wonder about but as an acknowledgment to myself of my state of mind. Too many hours I have spent thinking about my mortality over the past several years especially with the heart and kidney health problems. While I talk infrequently about it all I keep most of it locked inside my head while trying to think of something else.
Everyone indeed spends too much time thinking about things that can't be undone and those decisions have taken the place of what might have been a more fulfilling life. What a beautiful day it was today as I sat inside looking out. I made it outside only for a brief few minutes to feel the sun on my face and I wondered how many more times I might have left to feel that warmth I get nowhere else..
Again and again, I toss around in my head the decision I made years ago to live the rest of my life alone and how beautiful it might have been had I not made that choice. To have someone in my life at this stage to share my final years with is something I think I regret.. And again, Is this really how my life was meant to be for that kid so long ago? An old man living out the final years of his life alone?
Thinking back, the memories of my life begin running around in my head. I see now all of what I didn’t see then.. That young take-no-prisoners kid was going to grow old not knowing that in the end, it would be sadness and grief that would be by my side and nothing else. When I look at old pictures of me I see that kid who saw love but didn't feel love, a kid who had fun with the simplest of things but always alone. My eyes in those old photos hadn't yet seen the fear and sadness of an old man sitting alone waiting for the end. I just saw a regular kid who didn’t have a care in the world. No father no problem, poor and didn't know it. Mom made a life for us and did the best she could with no help from anyone. A roof over our heads, some food to eat, and she loved us with all her heart although her own heart had been broken many times.
Today I feel what I wish I had felt then and I miss what I didn’t get to experience much more than all the excitement over the spectacular things I somehow managed to do. The house is quiet and the sounds of life have all disappeared. All that's left for me these days are the memories I didn’t know I was making at the time and the sadness that I didn’t make the choices that would have helped me feel love throughout the last years I have left. In my mind’s eye, to love and be loved back is beyond my reach. Someone to share the fears and concerns that take up most of my time now can only be tucked away and written about.
Mom and Gran, the father I never knew, my family who have passed, and God, please watch over me and help me navigate the uncertain path I am on. Bob, Linda, Jason, and all the others who have been in my life at one time or another, they too need the arms of God to wrap around them.
Years ago I stopped asking why things turned out like they did for me but I often still wonder and think about how things might be for me now had I made a few different decisions along the way when all I could think about was avoiding more pain.
Peace, Lord, if it is your will, I seek peace in my failing heart and forgiveness for falling short.
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