sorry, OFF LIMITS

my days now are limited to just a few things and most of those can be put off for weeks with no effect. A bizarre turnaround for a guy who was always checking the calendar to know what time to set the alarm and where I had to be the next day. Not officially retired but the virus and my health have made it less likely that I'll need to set that alarm anytime soon or maybe even ever again. 

Only a couple things come to mind most days now and most of them are "off-limits," to talk or share with anyone even if there was someone. The rest are things I feel may be too much of a pipe dream all things considered and not knowing how much time I'm going to have to get anything done. "Is it even worth it anymore," is a running theme in my head at least a half dozen times a day.

Writing is my way of breaking the silence that surrounds me but the triggers of memories can be a bit too much. No longer can I sit and listen to the clocks ticking and not realize that this as peaceful as it is, feels like it's killing me inside. Having pushed family and friends away for all these years and most with good reason I will say, the silence and the clocks ticking in the background is all that's left now.

Peace and quiet are what I always enjoyed until it was all there was. "Should I remodel one house, sell it and move into the other," it all seems so pointless now. The batteries to my cameras dying unused and sitting around doing nothing are like this old man who has lost his passions. I have more of everything I could ever want except for someone to share them with if even through conversation. Odd how life can end up like that but then this ending was really no accident.

Having always had strict standards for the type of people I would include in and around my life left me with only one person and I miss her more than I have words for. My friend, my mentor, my reason for anything good I have ever done, my mom. I knew it was going to be hard when she would go to heaven but I did not know it would be quite like this. 

So I write to no one about everything. There are no arguments or interruptions and no having to listen to someone who hasn't lived my life trying to "fix," it all for me instead of just listening. It's just the clocks and the silence and the prayers that God keep his arms wrapped around me and all those in need even the ones for good reason or bad, that I pushed and kept away, I pray for you too. Everything is going to work out in the end but in the meantime, man..         

peace at last

lessons, the ones you carry through your whole life, are the ones that cost you the most to learn.. That cost increases with time and like a tax you never stop paying it. Lessons involving the people you run across like the ones you now just arbitrarily mistrust, ignore, or push aside because you let one too many of the wrong ones get too close, that is a cost you can only quantify after you get older and look around and no one is there. 

The music you listen to, the laughter if you can muster, the crying you will do, the feelings you can't escape, the memories you can't forget, all of these things made easier to sort through when shared, you will now experience alone. 

I write about things that matter to me because these things have to have a place to go. The world that I'm seeing is not the one I had ever envisioned and while I'm still able, I write about it. I'm familiar and have been quite successful with traveling down unbeaten paths throughout my life, but this one, in my final quarter, is very dark and getting harder to walk.           

But God promises to walk these paths with me and I welcome the guidance like never before. Mom's final wish for me was to get closer to God so we would see each other again, it was her final wish for me from her heart that would soon give way to the arms that would pull her from mine and into heaven. I will keep the promise I made to her to try and find a way to live without her presence on earth and remembering that promise every day is all I can do. 

I ordered my headstone today that will be next to hers. It says, peace at last and my hope is that it will be.