After mowing over there I sat down just inside the garage door opening to feel a nice cool breeze. Everything is beautifully green and I was wishing my mom was there to enjoy it with me. I hope she approves of what I'm trying to get done by giving away things she hadn't been using to the nice people we both knew who'll use them and need it more than me.
Be careful what you wish for, has been taking up a lot of space in my mind lately. Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain but all the happiness and growth happens while you're climbing it and not at the top. That quote is attributed to Andy Rooney of all people and I regret feeling like I spent far too much time looking towards the peak and missing the joy of the climb. You don't want to be like me and find yourself up there all alone and thinking, ok, now what-
Maybe a lot of people these days are finding that work gives and means more to you than just a paycheck. The motivation to get up and have to be somewhere, I miss that. But will I ever want to work again or maybe I'll sell everything and move away and finish off my time in a place I've never been before where no one knows me and this new life I'm supposed to have ahead of me can begin. I've gone so far as to look up how to legally change one's identity and go away and totally disappear. It's a lot of work but it can be done and it gets a spot on my list of possibilities when and if I can get everyone's things all sorted out here.
Working for me was always only about making money and as much as possible till I got enough and now that this virus calamity has taken work away and I'm financially secure, I realize there are things related to working that are actually more important than just the check. When I was in school I wasn't the guy who always got the pretty girl until I did and then it was, ok, now what. There were all these exotic places I used to think I'd love to go see in person and then I traveled the world a few times and even aside from the virus, doing more of that has lost its appeal. Photography, editing, creating, been there done that, and did well. A feeling of intense blah has taken up residence in my head where passions and excitement used to live. I made the money, traveled the world, kissed a couple pretty gals, made some pretty photos, had an exciting career but ok, now what.
I took this picture from where I was sitting and it's just so peaceful looking and the day was so nice I wondered if I would ever be able to find another place this nice and yet it's impossible to go inside where mom used to greet me with this big smile but she isn't there anymore. I know it's crazy but every time I walk in her house from the garage I am still pausing for a fraction of a second to listen for her voice-Today I woke up over at the other house and I usually turn the TV on pretty quick to avoid the silence and the thoughts that come with it but today I just laid there for a while. Bad idea. I picked up my phone to check for a message or an email that is never there anymore and so I just lay there with sadness and despair that are my only companions now.
I planted the last of the plants that I brought home from mom's funeral out in the back of her house but I doubt they will take I think I waited too long. Her roses are all blooming like crazy as if she were still there to love them and be excited to show them to me. Trimmed some hedges and mowed there and here at my house. It's not as easy as it used to be and here it is 4am and I'm feeling it. More to do today and the next day and the next till there won't be anything left to do anymore and then I'll have to deal with the now what one last time.
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