trust me, you aren't..

Some health news came to me today that wasn't what I was hoping for but not that surprising considering the toll losing my mom has had on me. I took some time to sit outside for a bit with a cup of tea and did some soul searching. (yes I have a soul) No real pity party was had but in all honesty, the time frame for the things I thought I might want to do with the rest of my life has now changed both for what I thought about doing in search for some peace in this world without my mom, and when I had in mind to maybe do those things. Some of you who run across this have already gone through this sort of thing and you'll recognize how unsettling it can be.    

As I went through the thoughts spinning around in my head, I did what I always do when faced with difficult news and I examined the worst part and the least bad parts of it to figure out ahead of time how tough it might end up being. So the worst part believe it or not isn't how it's going to be for you, it's how it will affect those around you, your friends, your loved ones, family, etc. Truth is, there IS no one around me now so there's that out of the way. My mom was the only one I let get close as I got older and it was better for her because she needed me so much near the end. Knowing that my mom isn't here to worry and suffer through this with me is oddly comforting and I believe a gift from God. She would have suffered greatly because she always cared more for others than herself and me being her youngest, her baby even at 64, her worry would have been lethal to her before her time.

So as I sipped my tea and sorted through whatever made it through my mind, I was able by the time the tea was gone to remove the worst-case scenario from the table that being having to watch my mom suffer from worry over me. I truly believe God is in control of all of this including most of all the timing and I can't recall there ever being a bad situation for me where I could remove the worst-case scenario off the table so quickly. So thank you God for working that part of this out. Please stand by cause there's more to come.         

At times like this the "thoughts and prayers," are always offered but do you actually know people who stop their entire lives even for a few seconds to close their eyes, bow their heads, and pray for anyone they have said that to? Maybe they do but I'm always skeptical even though I realize its said with the best intentions and from some of the kindest and most thoughtful people around. I won't write it or say it to anyone myself because of how it affects me when I see it and I don't want anyone else to feel like oh here it comes just another something people say. So for what it's worth, here's what I actually do instead.   

I actually do talk to God for those I know going through tough times especially with health issues regardless of whether I think highly of them or they have shown not to be the kind of people I want to ever be around again. Most of those prayers happen when I visit my mom's resting place and I ask that God wrap his arms around everyone in need and those who don't know they are in need yet. I say the names of those I know out loud and I mean all that I say. I don't know if it helps but I know it doesn't hurt and it's better than typing "thoughts and prayers," on a computer and having someone think of it as just stuff people say. 

Just a thought.. 

Take care of yourselves folks even those of you who right now think you are invincible.

Trust me, you aren't.