it was time

at least a few times a day even after nine months you've been gone, I’m still checking my phone to make sure I didn't miss a call from you. It will be nine months tomorrow morning at 1:48am that the Lord decided that it was time to make your body whole again, to take away your illnesses and difficulty walking and breathing. It was time at sixty-four years old for your son to finally grow up and take on the world without you being here. But the messages I get now are when I see a redbird and it's mate flittering around in the trees at your house or a stray cat looking to me for food like they did you. Important things were never in emails or voice mails anyway and you hated talking on the phone preferring to see and talk in person. You were so right on all the important things.

Our dinners on Sundays I still try to have by myself but they don't taste like they did when you were here and the shows we watched aren't allowed on television anymore. My smiles and laughter as rare as they used to be are even more so now but I am trying because I know that is what you would want. When something does strike me as funny I almost instantly feel a sense of guilt that how could I ever smile again without you here in my life. But you are in my life and the signs are everywhere. I know you want me to lighten up and I'm trying. When I think of you I instantly know how you want me to be alright and you have to be aware that I'm doing the best that I can and I won't stop trying because of the promises I made before you left this earth.

Some days I do OK and that is a change that time and acceptance are giving me. Maybe it's the signs from you and God that I've asked for in prayer, I'd like to think so. I've made it through one closet almost entirely and I hope you are alright with where I'm donating your things. It's hard not to find a thousand reasons to keep everything you ever touched but I know that I can't it's just too hard. So many photos from lives past and I'm trying to sort through as many as I can and get them to those who should have them. My prayer is that you aren't too disappointed in my sadness when I feel it, and the sorrow in my soul you were so afraid would consume me without you being here. I'm afraid of that too but I really am working on it.

I'll see you again one day my sweet mom and I can hardly wait. Keep sending me signs that could only come from you and I'll keep working to be ok. I love you mom.