rural and don't need it

Mom would have been deeply heartbroken and worried about those being affected by this virus mess. She had the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known and cared more for everyone else than herself. Today I spent some time at the cemetery and the heartache is right there and as intense as ever, just not 24 hours a day like it was not long ago. Leaving the cemetery I was wondering if this level of sadness is just how it's gonna be from now on. Having never gone through a loss like this before I can't imagine it ever being different than it is so,  I suspect from time to time this will be my new normal.

Work used to be so important to me before last November and now I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever want to go back and work again even if I manage to survive the virus era. What I used to get out of working before mom passed away and then all this virus mess, it was very different then than it is now and in another couple weeks or a month, I may very well decide just looking for a parking spot to go to work is more than I'll care to do. Right now it all seems pretty pointless to try to convince myself that working at all is going to add up to anything I need or care about anymore. Life is just too short and I'm in the 4th quarter with no more time outs-

If I'm not going to work then I'm ready to get rid of a ton of expensive camera gear and even that sounds like more of an ordeal than I can see myself getting into. My lifestyle outside of the work was always like that of a minimalist and my personal style could only be described as "rural and don't need it." I would do just fine in one of those tiny houses, but now I have two houses and live in two rooms of only one of them. Way too much stuff and far too much of a life footprint for someone who is on the verge of walking away from everything. The process of leaving this life behind sounds simple enough but doesn't look that way from where I sit. Donating or selling a ton of stuff, selling houses, buying a smaller one and then I would need a couple hundred acres out in the middle of nowhere to pass the rest of my time. I'm really not sure I have enough energy at the moment to do all this on my own but we'll have to see. I certainly do not want to die working or in the place where I am today. I want to go away where no one knows me and I can carve out a nice new corner to hide in until my time is up.

I cut some more of my hair again today and part of my ear..