the square peg

being just a couple of years in front of 70 has me conserving what energy I have left to get on with the days God has given me to still be here. But I still devote for whatever reason, swaths of time throughout these days to looking back over this life and trying to figure out the why and how I got to this place of isolation and living this hermit lifestyle.. 

I have managed to avoid the woe-is-me that usually comes with this kind of story by doing well financially and traveling around the world with a fun job, but none of those things seems to ease my troubled mind. 

I assume thoughts of one's own mortality especially at my age are a common thing but it seems to be a daily cluster of thoughts for me. Like if I were to suffer a heart attack and die at this very moment while writing this it would be months before I was found. All my bills are on auto-pay and it's often several months between a text or a phone call from anyone I once knew. Soon after those thoughts comes the uncomfortable realization that after nearly 7 decades of life on this earth, no one cares enough to check to see if I am still alive or dead! I don't dwell on this I just wanted to write it down and see if it feels any different reading it as opposed to just knowing it. 

In our family, once the matriarch passed away my Gran, what was left of the family generally broke apart and went their own way never getting together again until one of those still left passes away. How sad and real that is.  

The Bible says we are to leave our mother and father and go make our own family and I believe that covers most people but strangely enough not me. I did make my own family but soon after was unceremoniously pushed out of it and never attempted it again. As a kid I generally wasn't allowed to play with the other kids in the neighborhood for whatever reason I can't recall.  They were often older than me but not by a lot so I have no idea why I had to play by myself. I carried that isolation into and through my school years and it didn't sit well with others as it was looked at to mean I may have thought I was better than them when in fact, nothing could have been further from the truth. So no real friends in school either. "The square peg," and I were becoming a thing. 

All these years later nothing much has changed but being young and alone is one thing, and getting much older and alone I'm finding, is quite another. I don't kid myself it can't be any other way at this point, the die was cast so long ago. I miss the days back when I had a chance to maybe turn all this around and have a different life.

In Memorium to times better and those including me, who never fit in.