By the time this all got to me it's this monumental heartwrenching task. It's tugging at every emotion I have left. There is no way I can keep it all and it literally hurts. What to keep, what to give away, who to give it to, and when I get to where I can let it go emotionally, there is the actual removal of it all.
I hadn't thought much about this part of the process and now that it's here it's just one more punch in the gut. My own health issues have me wanting to get it all done as soon as possible and not feeling well enough to go full-stop every day adds more stress. I promised mom that I would be the one to do all this so I carry on and sometimes I write about it.
Many hundreds of photos before I knew cameras even existed in the late 1800s of people and places and simpler times. Some have names some don't. All priceless and from my Great Grandmother who passed away at 96 in 1981 and my Gran from her life when she passed away. My mom took care of my Gran at the house so all of these generations of photos and boxes of knick-knacks and clothing and so on are there for me to sort.
It's a brutal emotional tug-of-war when I find these things and have to decide what to do with it all while holding it in my hands and it's unfair. These things were important to people I miss so much and then there is this false but very real sense of betrayal at deciding to give something away- After I buried my sweet mom I couldn't have imagined another hurdle larger than living without her here to talk to or check on and do things for and get a hug. But now the sorting of keepsakes and those of others I miss is another emotional beatdown that I hadn't seen coming. If I kept it all on top of my own stuff I would be putting someone else through this same ordeal when my time is up and I can't do that.
There is a lesson here for others who may be storing parts of their lives on dusty shelves and in drawers and boxes stacked up in the garage untouched and maybe even forgotten for decades. People we love who are no longer here would not have wanted us to become buried with the leftovers of their lives. But with every treasure I see for the first time and hold in my hands, it pulls at my heart wondering what to do with it.
We begin life with nothing and spend the rest of our lives rushing towards the end with all our stuff in tow. That stuff shouldn't be left to burden others when we're gone. Right now, step away from the computer and take a good look around your house at all the things someone else will have to sort through if you don't deal with it while you're still here. Life is so much shorter than you think and it is going to end at a time when you're probably not going to be ready. If you want to do something generous for those you care about and who love you back, do this one thing, start clearing out, purging, do a deliberate and intentional decluttering of your life while you are still here. It's one of the greatest gifts you will ever give to a loved one who will be left behind.
Mom did her best to prepare me for her death. She knew and told me she was dying. Those were the most gut-wrenching words I had ever heard and although I knew we were in that process I pushed away from some of those conversations because it was too much for me to think about while just trying to keep her alive and prevent the inevitable. We had our talks but I wish we would have had more. I was losing someone who was my entire world and although I knew intellectually what was happening I spent a lot of time trying to make that not happen and tricking myself into believing the next thing we would try would give us more time.
Only God could have made it possible for me to manage some of the talks mom and I had sitting on the couch together without me completely falling apart and I am grateful. She was preparing me for when she would leave this world. I regret I wasn't stronger at times than I was and still to this day when I find or read something from her I feel she is watching me struggle when all I want is for her not to see me this way and worry about me.Don't let some of this happen to you. Take the time now that you probably have a lot of it and do some purging of things you have accumulated that just sit in boxes or out in the garage gathering dust so that others won't be burdened with it after you're gone. Some day there is going to be someone who is completely crushed of heart and spirit because they can't hold you or talk to you who may not have the strength to sort through and do what you could be doing today. It's one of the greatest gifts of love you will ever give to them at a time when they need it most. For the rest of it, get a WILL and spell everything out. Prepay your funeral expenses if you can. Do as much as you can for those left behind who will be using all their strength towards figuring out how to live without you.
God give me the time to get it all done.
