before it's too late

 I've watched this video message more times than I can count. Every time I watch it there are reminders to me of days I wasted before I grew up. If you absorb the intended message in the video it will end up being the one lesson that will help you sleep when your time of deep sorrow and despair comes, and it will if you live long enough.  If you are a mom and have a son, show them this video and make them watch it again when you feel time slipping away. If you are a son and you are lucky enough to still have your mom here on earth with you no matter if you're a teenager or already an old man like me, watch this video today, right now, and before it's too late.

The lives of those still here with you on this earth, those that you will find it close to impossible to live without, those lives will be gone one day and you're going to need to talk to them, hold them, and spend time with them and you can't. They will be gone forever. Those lives that you love need you too and right now while they are still here, show them. I would like to think one person will see this and be motivated to go see or call their mom or dad and spend time with them right now. Don't let the time slip by and find yourself with none left. Those you love need you too-

maybe you need this

this was a day to be reflective. I wasn't ready or felt a need to be, this is just what happened and I thought there might be others out there who could use this. It's a YouTube channel called Goalcast. <<< link

I started subscribing to a lot of different types of YouTube channels when my tolerance for broadcast television started running low. There just isn't enough TVLand shows from the 60s and I need distractions now and then these days. But just like I did with social media I began realizing that I was wasting too much time there, the time I don't feel I have any more of to waste. I went through my FaceBook list of "friends," and didn't look at the names I just began to cut the number down to a more real-life number then I ended up just removing them all except the few that have passed away. With YouTube I had stopped the new video alerts I would get on my browser so not to be bothered with so many then I changed my settings back to getting alerts and instead just un-subed from dozens of old interests I no longer have, except for ones like Goalcast. <<< link

Today I got an alert from there and I hadn't been on that page in a long time. I watched one video and it hit me that in this very uncertain time that I am in right now there actually is some very encouraging and validating content that was right at my fingertips this entire time and I was missing out.

I thought perhaps like me, someone out there might need this too. If that is you, I recommend it and I encourage you to consume more of this kind of content than all the other garbage readily available that you may be filling your head with like I was.

Peace.

grandpa

it's who my Grandmother and my mother were that has me wishing I had known my Grandfather. I've been sorting through a lot of photos of him lately since mom died. He was over 6 foot tall and had gentle eyes, a good looking guy and my mom would always tear up when talking about daddy. He and my gran lived through some really tough times back then and yet they remained good solid and decent human beings that raised a boy and 4 girls who all managed to make their parents proud. This was back when 25 cents would buy a piece of steak that would feed all of them.

Today was a solemn day, a day when I couldn't manage to feel like getting up to go do anything really. When those days happen the memories and then the sadness is right there under the surface. It was like that today. I kept away from tv and the cable news propaganda and just kind of sat around thinking about all the things I wasn't getting done and trying to dream up some sort of plan for my new life. I didn't get very far with that and then the whole day went by like so many do even with my newfound understanding of just how short life is. I feel like such the fool now for wasting even a minute.

Over the years I've often felt like I was this guy who was born about 100 years past his time. When I go through these old photos and I try an imagine what it would have been like to have grown up and been influenced by all these good sturdy people my mom grew up with. I'll never know what it would have been like but I do wonder about it a lot now. I made some bad mistakes in my younger days that would have crushed the hearts of those people had they been here to see it and all along it was breaking my mom's heart with worry some 45 years ago. That was what changed my life from a dumbass young risk-taker to wanting to be the son my mom deserved to have had. Mom is the one who saved my life back then just by being someone I couldn't bear to shame anymore. I turned my life around because of her and wanted to make her proud.

Mom in my grans arms, 2 of my aunts, and grandpa

Our Matthews family area at Laurel Land Cemetery is where all these giants of my family are laid to rest and my mom is buried between her beloved brother Dub and a plot reserved for me so we can all be together. Maybe it sounds morbid but I can't wait to see them all again and to meet Dub and my grandpa for the first time. I'm not quite ready just yet cause I've got some promises to keep that I made to my mom to sort out everyone's things and I feel worthless that I wasted this entire day doing nothing. Tomorrow I'll pick back up and get busy and God willing he'll give me another day to replace this one to get it all done. I so look forward to the day I can say Mom I did it, t's all done and then my ticket already pre-paid and in hand I'll be ready to go. I know Dub is gonna want to have a beer up there and maybe by then I'll have developed a taste for it.

now what

got some work done at Moms today. I was able to give a bunch of Tupperware I found to the neighbor next door. Her daughter isn't working and her husband passed away suddenly a few years ago and he was such a great and loyal friend to my mom and me and would have appreciated the gesture.

After mowing over there I sat down just inside the garage door opening to feel a nice cool breeze. Everything is beautifully green and I was wishing my mom was there to enjoy it with me. I hope she approves of what I'm trying to get done by giving away things she hadn't been using to the nice people we both knew who'll use them and need it more than me.

Be careful what you wish for, has been taking up a lot of space in my mind lately. Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain but all the happiness and growth happens while you're climbing it and not at the top. That quote is attributed to Andy Rooney of all people and I regret feeling like I spent far too much time looking towards the peak and missing the joy of the climb. You don't want to be like me and find yourself up there all alone and thinking, ok, now what- 

Maybe a lot of people these days are finding that work gives and means more to you than just a paycheck. The motivation to get up and have to be somewhere, I miss that. But will I ever want to work again or maybe I'll sell everything and move away and finish off my time in a place I've never been before where no one knows me and this new life I'm supposed to have ahead of me can begin.  I've gone so far as to look up how to legally change one's identity and go away and totally disappear. It's a lot of work but it can be done and it gets a spot on my list of possibilities when and if I can get everyone's things all sorted out here.

Working for me was always only about making money and as much as possible till I got enough and now that this virus calamity has taken work away and I'm financially secure, I  realize there are things related to working that are actually more important than just the check. When I was in school I wasn't the guy who always got the pretty girl until I did and then it was, ok, now what. There were all these exotic places I used to think I'd love to go see in person and then I traveled the world a few times and even aside from the virus, doing more of that has lost its appeal. Photography, editing, creating, been there done that, and did well. A feeling of intense blah has taken up residence in my head where passions and excitement used to live. I made the money, traveled the world, kissed a couple pretty gals, made some pretty photos, had an exciting career but ok, now what.

I took this picture from where I was sitting and it's just so peaceful looking and the day was so nice I wondered if I would ever be able to find another place this nice and yet it's impossible to go inside where mom used to greet me with this big smile but she isn't there anymore. I know it's crazy but every time I walk in her house from the garage I am still pausing for a fraction of a second to listen for her voice-

Today I woke up over at the other house and I usually turn the TV on pretty quick to avoid the silence and the thoughts that come with it but today I just laid there for a while. Bad idea. I picked up my phone to check for a message or an email that is never there anymore and so I just lay there with sadness and despair that are my only companions now.

I planted the last of the plants that I brought home from mom's funeral out in the back of her house but I doubt they will take I think I waited too long. Her roses are all blooming like crazy as if she were still there to love them and be excited to show them to me. Trimmed some hedges and mowed there and here at my house. It's not as easy as it used to be and here it is 4am and I'm feeling it. More to do today and the next day and the next till there won't be anything left to do anymore and then I'll have to deal with the now what one last time.

Cor-loner Virus update.

After using my personality to stay single and self-quarantined for about 45 years now, I think I can say it's working out for me.

I woke up a little after 4am this morning. My wife had gone out with her girlfriends on a girl's night out and she called me on the way home laughing and giggling and I could tell they were all drunk or worse so I was pissed, worried, and asking myself why in the hell I was wasting my time, energy, and emotions on this nightmare.

I realized right away that my "unique" personality that I was born with has kept me single, saved me from insurmountable regrets, daily emotional torment, losing a house or two, a few cars, furniture, half my investments, and having to tear up the backyard to bury all the offending litigants. That cave man syndrome has been the single most valuable investment I have ever made but it damn sure ain't cheap. In fact around Thanksgiving and Christmas or at a time of great loss when there is no one to reach out or hold onto, well the price can be fairly high.

There is always a price to be paid for the choices you make but then there are savings to offset the expenses like when I woke up and realized this was just a really bad dream and my wife had left me almost 50 years ago. She wasn't drunk and coming home to piss me off, it was a damn nightmare. There are no arguments in my house these days now and no worries that one day one of us may feel it's no longer worth the effort and walks away taking everything including the little family you created.

I still face issues from time to time but they are my own and all the solutions are uncontested. The warmth in my life now comes from a blanket or memories that admittedly are fading with time. Much of this life is like it is in nature, the leaves get the most beautiful just before they die so maybe there is more time than I thought with beauty seeming so far away.

Missed the trash guys today and I had a lot to unload- Oh well. My goal for today is not to put too much mustard on my sandwich and to have a nice cup of hot tea which oddly enough has become a daily ritual. I'm an iced tea guy but much has changed.

ever increasing disconnect

choosing who and how to connect with others can be the difference in a momentary pleasant experience and time you'll never get back. I had an interesting conversation today actually it was the only conversation I had today with another human and it consisted of five words in the form of an email and it went like this, "..it arrived in good order." That was it and there was no response = perfect, the end.   

Whether it's television or satellite radio, phone or text, more and more these days I find what is apparently the world's most dreaded circumstances of self-distancing to be exactly what I need a lot more of. Six feet isn't near enough and I'm in favor of an all-out total ban on seeing or hearing from another human being for a trial period of twenty years or so and then we'll take a look at the data and see how it went. By then I'll be 84 and probably dead but if not I'll be totally blind and deaf and won't be able to see, read or hear anyone's bullshit. 

If I'm not gone I'll have stories to tell of how I used to care about a lot of things I no longer do and that time we had that virus thing that stopped the world and left everyone on social media platforms to drown in mindnumbing funny animal videos, music from warshed up old wrinkled rock stars, and blog posts like this one. Then in the fall we had round two of that virus coupled with the flu that made round one look like the pilot for The Twilight Zone.

I'm still working on both houses to organize and purge leftovers from far better people and times than me and this. The task seems impossible to get a handle on and all my time spent making progress is through a lot of pain and misery that feels like it will consume and suffocate me. I plan to keep going until I no longer can and I'll keep the television on mute and the sat radio on all the old channels and I'll have paid more attention in my life to things I no longer care about than I'm able to justify thinking back on.

There's cold filtered water in the fridge and a few cans of soup in the cabinet, some cherry sour candy and some aspirin so I can sleep. Feels like it may rain and Mother's day is coming. I'm reminded of it constantly despite my efforts to push it away- I love and miss you mom.       

I will be voting for Biden 2020

A few years ago I was posting on FaceBook almost daily and today I never do except to answer a msg every now and then and allow this blog page to be shared there. FaceBook has become an internet police force disguised as a chat site developed by those who view themselves as tolerant for the purpose of exercising intolerance by regulating thought and limiting expressions of some.

My conclusions have been that FaceBook interactions and those away from a computer are very similar. The clicks are there like in school, the outcasts are there and the experts are all there and accounted for. And just as in my life away from the computer I began culling out the fake friends and well-known frauds as soon as they made themselves known. My friend list went quickly from almost a thousand down to about two or three hundred to keep me from being reminded of all the mistakes I made in judgment over the years. Wasting time with certain types of people since this past November after learning up close just how short life really is would be unthinkable at this point in my life.

My life today consists of working on keeping the promises I made to my mom to settle all the things left unfinished from several lives and nothing else carries weight beyond that. This virus everyone talks about every day is of concern only because of what it's doing to the elderly who are defenseless against it. If I were to get it, oh well, I just hope I'm able to get everything done first. Not working doesn't bother me one bit and the political cancer swirling around all the cable channels I no longer watch and am completely over it. I literally do not care anymore what the outcome is from the direction this society seems to want to go in.   

I'm definitely going to vote but this time it's going to be for a different candidate and for a much different reason. From what I've seen since the election of 2016 I can honestly say for the first time in my life that this society in general, does not deserve the economic boom Trump gave it. There is no doubt in my mind he has the know-how to do it all again and would after this plague we're dealing with is over, but I don't want him to. What this man and his family have had to endure while working twenty hours a day for no pay to smash unemployment numbers of the very people who crucify him, and turn this economy into a rocket ship that is the envy of the world, while having to face a coup attempt by the vilest and most corrupt politicians America has ever seen, no thanks. I will not be voting for this man to have to right this ship for a second time while having to watch him nailed to a cross every day.           

Trump has shamed these professional con-artist politicians in front of God and the world. It's not surprising they wanted him out before he was able to show how easy it was to set this economy on fire by removing the policies they worked decades to force on all of us. You saw the tears and the looks of anguish and desperation at losing control over your money and the government golden goose his election represented. To those of us who knew what Trump's election could do for this economy and the restoration of America's backbone, we howled with laughter at socialist tears and despair and then if we were invested and prepared, we reaped the benefits of having a take no prisoners businessman in the White House. 

Now I've come to the conclusion that this society as I have seen and listened to, do not deserve a second chance for Trump to save this ship when this virus is done and I'm not about to help you with my vote and have to see him go through one more day of a coup attempt by people I wouldn't slow down to avoid running over in the street.

I no longer have to give a rats ass about who is running this country anymore. My finances are secure and my mom is no longer here suffering and needing me to take care of. For a long time, I worried about the future of this country and everyone in it and now that I see the mentality of this society, I feel I wasted all of that time. I am so embarrassed for it to have taken this long for me to end this complete waste of energy worrying about others who clearly have no concern for the country, themselves or me.

You want to test socialism or marxism or a 3rd term of the worst president in American history obama, and the futures of you and your children are of no concern to you, then let's do this. I want Trump to go back to his penthouses with secret service for life and live the billionaire lifestyle he deserves and to stop worrying about those in this society who deserve nothing but the worst liberalism can bring. I will be voting for the democrat nominee whether it's someone who doesn't know where he is and can't tell the difference between his wife and his sister, or maybe a socialist like Bernie, but I will NOT be voting for Donald Trump in November for president I will be voting for the well-deserved education of an economically illiterate republic.

If I were in my 40's I'd be angry as hell, but I'm in my 60's now and financially secure and completely amused at the idea of sitting back and watching how you mindless liberal fools handle what may be coming with the leaders you choose. If we can get a Democrat majority in the House, the Senate, and maybe even the White House, no one will deserve what is coming more than you and I mean that with all sincerity. Thank you, Donald Trump and family, now go back to living the American dream and let's sit back and enjoy the liberal democrat shit show.  

#VoteDemocrat2020   

*** I do reserve the right of pure enjoyment watching Trump for as long as he has left, setting liberal heads on fire with signing executive orders like banning ALL immigration to America like just crossed the wires. Tomorrow's White House briefing should be exceptionally enjoyable.   

deliberate and intentional

Sorting through two centuries of personal belongings left behind after loved ones pass away is not for sissies. It's tough enough going through mom's things but then there are things from her mom and her mom's mom and so on that were stored at the house because we all have to keep things near us that were important to those no longer here.

By the time this all got to me it's this monumental heartwrenching task. It's tugging at every emotion I have left. There is no way I can keep it all and it literally hurts. What to keep, what to give away, who to give it to, and when I get to where I can let it go emotionally, there is the actual removal of it all.

I hadn't thought much about this part of the process and now that it's here it's just one more punch in the gut. My own health issues have me wanting to get it all done as soon as possible and not feeling well enough to go full-stop every day adds more stress. I promised mom that I would be the one to do all this so I carry on and sometimes I write about it.

Many hundreds of photos before I knew cameras even existed in the late 1800s of people and places and simpler times. Some have names some don't. All priceless and from my Great Grandmother who passed away at 96 in 1981 and my Gran from her life when she passed away. My mom took care of my Gran at the house so all of these generations of photos and boxes of knick-knacks and clothing and so on are there for me to sort.

It's a brutal emotional tug-of-war when I find these things and have to decide what to do with it all while holding it in my hands and it's unfair. These things were important to people I miss so much and then there is this false but very real sense of betrayal at deciding to give something away- After I buried my sweet mom I couldn't have imagined another hurdle larger than living without her here to talk to or check on and do things for and get a hug. But now the sorting of keepsakes and those of others I miss is another emotional beatdown that I hadn't seen coming. If I kept it all on top of my own stuff I would be putting someone else through this same ordeal when my time is up and I can't do that.

There is a lesson here for others who may be storing parts of their lives on dusty shelves and in drawers and boxes stacked up in the garage untouched and maybe even forgotten for decades. People we love who are no longer here would not have wanted us to become buried with the leftovers of their lives. But with every treasure I see for the first time and hold in my hands, it pulls at my heart wondering what to do with it.

We begin life with nothing and spend the rest of our lives rushing towards the end with all our stuff in tow. That stuff shouldn't be left to burden others when we're gone. Right now, step away from the computer and take a good look around your house at all the things someone else will have to sort through if you don't deal with it while you're still here. Life is so much shorter than you think and it is going to end at a time when you're probably not going to be ready. If you want to do something generous for those you care about and who love you back, do this one thing, start clearing out, purging, do a deliberate and intentional decluttering of your life while you are still here. It's one of the greatest gifts you will ever give to a loved one who will be left behind.  

Mom did her best to prepare me for her death. She knew and told me she was dying. Those were the most gut-wrenching words I had ever heard and although I knew we were in that process I pushed away from some of those conversations because it was too much for me to think about while just trying to keep her alive and prevent the inevitable. We had our talks but I wish we would have had more. I was losing someone who was my entire world and although I knew intellectually what was happening I spent a lot of time trying to make that not happen and tricking myself into believing the next thing we would try would give us more time.

Only God could have made it possible for me to manage some of the talks mom and I had sitting on the couch together without me completely falling apart and I am grateful. She was preparing me for when she would leave this world. I regret I wasn't stronger at times than I was and still to this day when I find or read something from her I feel she is watching me struggle when all I want is for her not to see me this way and worry about me.

Don't let some of this happen to you. Take the time now that you probably have a lot of it and do some purging of things you have accumulated that just sit in boxes or out in the garage gathering dust so that others won't be burdened with it after you're gone. Some day there is going to be someone who is completely crushed of heart and spirit because they can't hold you or talk to you who may not have the strength to sort through and do what you could be doing today. It's one of the greatest gifts of love you will ever give to them at a time when they need it most. For the rest of it, get a WILL and spell everything out. Prepay your funeral expenses if you can. Do as much as you can for those left behind who will be using all their strength towards figuring out how to live without you.

God give me the time to get it all done.

rural and don't need it

Mom would have been deeply heartbroken and worried about those being affected by this virus mess. She had the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known and cared more for everyone else than herself. Today I spent some time at the cemetery and the heartache is right there and as intense as ever, just not 24 hours a day like it was not long ago. Leaving the cemetery I was wondering if this level of sadness is just how it's gonna be from now on. Having never gone through a loss like this before I can't imagine it ever being different than it is so,  I suspect from time to time this will be my new normal.

Work used to be so important to me before last November and now I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever want to go back and work again even if I manage to survive the virus era. What I used to get out of working before mom passed away and then all this virus mess, it was very different then than it is now and in another couple weeks or a month, I may very well decide just looking for a parking spot to go to work is more than I'll care to do. Right now it all seems pretty pointless to try to convince myself that working at all is going to add up to anything I need or care about anymore. Life is just too short and I'm in the 4th quarter with no more time outs-

If I'm not going to work then I'm ready to get rid of a ton of expensive camera gear and even that sounds like more of an ordeal than I can see myself getting into. My lifestyle outside of the work was always like that of a minimalist and my personal style could only be described as "rural and don't need it." I would do just fine in one of those tiny houses, but now I have two houses and live in two rooms of only one of them. Way too much stuff and far too much of a life footprint for someone who is on the verge of walking away from everything. The process of leaving this life behind sounds simple enough but doesn't look that way from where I sit. Donating or selling a ton of stuff, selling houses, buying a smaller one and then I would need a couple hundred acres out in the middle of nowhere to pass the rest of my time. I'm really not sure I have enough energy at the moment to do all this on my own but we'll have to see. I certainly do not want to die working or in the place where I am today. I want to go away where no one knows me and I can carve out a nice new corner to hide in until my time is up.

I cut some more of my hair again today and part of my ear.. 

a reminder

my 2015 Acadia is getting 3 weeks to the gallon.

managed to talk myself into getting back into sorting things over at mom's tonight. I can only do a little bit of that at a time and then I have to walk away from it- Found a photo someone had taken of mom when she was 15 years old and working at Taylor's Ice Cream Parlor in 1942. She was so pretty. Then I found a picture she probably took of ME in a store she was probably shopping in and I couldn't have been more than 5 or 6. You can see all the mixers, and frying pans and appliances on the shelves in the background. My mom did like to shop.

40º in April is a welcome surprise and since I've been more or less put out of business it's probably time to consider the what's next phase. Should I sell a bunch of cameras and assorted gear or leave em to become worthless over the next decade was one of tonight's topics of discussion at the dinner table where I sat alone sawing on my peppercorn steak with a flimsy plastic knife. I came to no definitive conclusions but I did have a nice relaxing talk about it all with the only person I talk to anymore.

Got my will rewritten and ordered some more vacuum cleaner bags and tomorrow I'll venture out and get some new air filters for both houses. I've got another headache that would kill a moose and those are coming back after many years of giving me a break. Think it's stress but oddly enough I have a wad of bananas in there in the washer/dryer room and for some reason the gases that come off banana peel give me headaches that last for days. When I toss the peels out on garbage day, the headaches go away.

" the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.." - Psalm 34:18

URGENT - please call

your parents, grandparents, the elderly in your neighborhood that isn't coming outside. I've tried giving away the extra food I have in my immediate neighborhood with no takers, I have money I can buy something for those older people who may not be able, but the one thing I fear these people need desperately right this very minute is contact.

The elderly are the last to ask for help and the ones who suffer most from being alone and worrying about everyone but themselves. Go check on your neighbors, get their phone numbers and make sure they have yours. They may not accept the help you offer but make the effort for these precious older people and just talking to them for a few minutes might make their entire week.

If just one of you checks on one older person whether you know them or not, then this won't have been a waste of time.