the best things said come last

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve then Christmas will pass and a new year begins. That's pretty much my entire calendar by the looks of things. Was thinking about the year that is ending today while watching a youtube channel that I like and decided to put a few thoughts down. 

For an assortment of reasons this year has been a tough one for me and not all because of the virus that has claimed so much peace of mind. The loss of my mom hasn't gotten any easier and still claims a large part of my feeling of being lost. My health issues and mom not being here has me wondering how many years are left to do anything that may have helped me right this ship. 

A few people have been very kind to me this year and one or two still check in from time to time to see if I'm still alive while a few others one might expect would be checking in have instead just gone away. With people in general some things never change and with things, they always change. 

The works in progress are to get rid of excess stuff at both houses and perhaps sell one and move to the other. Looks to be a longer process than I needed it to be and doing it all myself adds weeks and months. Depression comes and goes and I feel thankful it hasn't just set in and taken me down and held me there, yet. I believe I have mom watching over me to make sure that doesn't happen. One more of many things to be thankful for the mom God blessed me with.  

Haven't worked in so long it feels like I've retired but without having actually done whatever it is you're supposed to do when you retire. From as far back as I can remember I used to say I would never stop working but the virus and other circumstances appear to have made that choice for me. 

So tomorrow night will be Christmas Eve and the movie It's a Wonderful Life will run. My mom and I always watched that together and this year I'll be watching it alone wadded up in a ball of self pity I'm guessing. But a lot of people are hurting this year and I can't help but feel like I've been so blessed in my life just having the mom I had that I have no right to complain. My hope for those who care and even those who don't is that you have someone to be with for Christmas and New Years and that you be healthy and that you have someone to love and feel loved in return. That's all anyone really needs and if you don't have those things, know that God is always there and you can reach out to him and never have to walk through this life alone. 

Merry Christmas and hopefully a Happier New Year..

my 2020 as a new, old man

2020 came and had me searching for a reason to want to live a life without the only human being who ever stood by me every minute of my life. Then the virus came and the work I used to keep my mind off the loss of my mom came to a halt. This was the year I signed up for Medicare reminding me that the life I've lived as short as it is, is even shorter now. There are sleepless nights and days filled with sadness and despair that have to be managed or they will consume me. Summer came and I learned I had not one, but two serious life-threatening health conditions.     

Not working has taken a mental toll that I wasn't ready for and I ended up selling my broadcast camera that ensures this no work thing won't just be temporary. The America I grew up in is now dead and socialism is in the fast lane of becoming a way of life. The low hanging fruit of small business that half of this country is employed by has been targeted by the democrat elites on the verge of controlling every word, every move, every thought anyone dares try to share. This isn't a script for a Twilight Zone episode, this is 2020. 

January 05, 2021, we will all know just how far this country is going to fall. If at the end of the day of the 5th of January the democrats get control of the Senate, the damage to this country that will ensue will take decades and many generations to recover from if recovery is even possible. On top of everything else that has taken place this year, to know we are that close to losing America for generations to come is impossible to digest. 

For those who have suffered enough already, for those who have lost loved ones that your life can never be the same without, and for those who for one reason or another cannot afford another loss of any kind, may God wrap his arms around you and protect you from further damage. It wouldn't hurt to say prayers for democrats to lose the runoff election races in Georgia on January 05 and for this sick and sad society that allowed us to be this close to the end of the greatest country the world desperately needs to survive. 

mwz 

you do not go unnoticed by me

What a weird and strange place this world is for many. Trying to find bits of happiness amongst the rubble of what has become of life is exhausting and I'm certain at some point not be worth the effort. Here's to those who face the rest of your lives alone with only memories to keep you from freezing to death. 

To those who have no conversations outside your thoughts and to those who have only windows to the outside to see what life used to be, here's to you and the courageous bravery it takes to just get up out of bed. 

For the many who have no families to be with especially this time of year, I see you, hear you, and recognize your grief and despair. It's real and you are not the only one. When you are faced with looking at photos and writings of those blessed with having all that you have not, I feel your pain and longing for that which has passed and the absence of even the slightest acknowledgement of those with only their sadness to keep them company while so many rejoice.   

Time is the magic for some but the curse for others and you know who you are. You are not alone in your despair for many are here and the open arms of acknowledgement of your suffering and loneliness are for you. 

Looking forward to another day is a blessing if you can manage it and when that effort becomes too hard know that you are not the only one. Reach out if you can, fight the urge to give up and walk alone if you have to just walk and try to remember that no one who has ever had meaning to your life would be OK with your suffering. Prayer, faith, and courage can help lift your head up when it wants to look down. Get outside if you can and walk just keep walking and if you're unable to get outside go out there in your mind and just keep moving if only in your head. 

God did not put a single one of us here to suffer so. We are not meant to rust and corrode with sadness. Any life that we have is a blessing and wasting it with chronic despair is unthinkable. We are alone and that is OK. Some are lonely and it's understandable. You are not going to be overlooked by me and I feel your every pain. 

There are many here in the same place you are with the simple goal of just wanting to wake up tomorrow and maybe not be sad. Keep it simple and just wake up and feel blessed that you did. Do something besides sit if you can. Overlook the "Happy Thanksgiving," and the upcoming "Merry Christmas," stuff that people toss around because they don't know your circumstance. Most people aren't able or willing to look beyond themselves long enough to realize those words don't make sense to so many who are suffering alone. 

Just keep moving. Move your mind if your body cannot and listen to the memories of those who have passed before you who would not want you to suffer so. Lean on whoever and whatever you need to and just keep moving.   

be thankful

This year on the surface, there are fewer things to be thankful for and those few things that are left have taken on a bigger significance in my thoughts. All those I once felt close to seem to be doing well and for that, I am thankful. This week I was able to help someone in need, and for that, I feel blessed. 

It would be easy to feel that life has dealt me some significant shots this past year but I remember what my mom would always tell me and that is, when you feel down and out, get up and go do something for someone else and you'll begin to realize that there are others who have it worse than you and doing what you can to make someone else's life better is what we are meant to be doing. My mom spent her entire life doing this and it actually does work and she was always right about all things that matter. 

While I mourn the loss of my mom I am reminded of the times we laughed and cried and held each other. The dinners we had just us two and our talks about everything. The Christmas one year when she couldn't afford to get me a new bike, so she got me a used one and it was perfect. The time she took me fishing in Oklahoma because that is what a dad would do and there wasn't one in my life. I managed to catch a fish and we took it to the restaurant at the lodge and had him cook it up for us. Maybe I was 9 or 10. When we finished eating that dinner she handed me a 5 dollar bill and told me to go and give it to the chef and to thank him. She was teaching me to be a man and to give to others. She was always thinking of others and 5 bucks was quite a bit for her to give. 

Today there are people who still have their moms and families but who can't go see them this year and I am reminded of that when I start to feel sorry for myself and snap back knowing I am not alone in despair. There is always going to be someone out there who is suffering in ways none of us can understand even if we have had similar circumstances. The depth of pain and sadness in the hearts of others cannot be measured or compared to our own. 

My journey is taking turns I didn't expect and I will do my best to make the best of whatever is meant to be. It is Thanksgiving and then Christmas and I suspect this year the actual meaning of this time of year will be more imprinted in our minds for all sorts of reasons and that is a good thing and I'm thankful for that too. 

I hope everyone will make the best of what they have and share what they can. Our time here in this life is the only thing we have no control over and everything else is how we will measure our worthiness of the time we've been given. God bless all. Be thankful. Share what you can.  

a year ago

these were the last couple of days a year ago that God let me be with my mom before he took her soul to heaven. We were not doing well and all the signs were there but I wasn't ready. We had our talks and she knew, maybe I did too, but I wasn't willing to be honest with myself or maybe there were just too many things to do to stop and think about it. Mom wasn't able to eat hardly anything and I had tried everything including baby food to get something she could eat. God was speaking to me and I wasn't listening.

This past year has been an emotional rollercoaster of from almost normal at times to the depths of despair all in the span of a few minutes. Many try to tell you it takes time and yet no one knows anyone else's depth of loss and I can admit I didn't even know my own. Our talks were hard and part of them were me trying to convince her that somehow I would be OK and keep going like she wanted for me. God may have a different plan than we had expected with my health issues that she would have been incredibly worried about. 

Coming to terms with a loss of my mom is much harder to get through than coming to grips with my own mortality. My faith and belief is that God took her when he did both to stop her suffering and to prevent her from worrying for me. I truly do believe that was intentional and out of love for an angel who had given everything she ever had to others and needed to rest.  

I miss her every single day and she is always on my mind. Tomorrow is Sunday and we always had dinners on Sunday just me and her. My memories are what triggers the tears and I've never cried as much as I do these days ever in my life. Tomorrow I will go to the cemetery and I'll take a chair and sit for a while and talk to mom and to God who I believe in my heart is holding her tight and helping her not to worry so much for me.

Many people are suffering these days for all sorts of reasons and my hope is that they believe in a higher power as I do because often times that is all we have to lean on and this past year I've leaned on him quite a bit. I'll see mom again one day and much sooner than I had anticipated but I'm alright with that knowing the plan is in place and the outcome is certain. It's been almost a year to the day November 16, 2019, 1:46am and it is as painful today as it was then. 

May God bless and hold all who are suffering. We are not meant to suffer so and there will be a wonderful place for us when our time here on earth is done. 

the tail always wags the dog for some..

the election in less than 2 weeks is going to be a massive and decisive blue wave according to what I can see from here. The loss of both the house and the senate and the White House is going to put America on a path to what she has fought wars to prevent. But why would a society do this to itself if it had an opportunity to avoid it? My theory is born from the quote about the tail wagging the dog. 

The tail is a personality too many found offensive and unpresidential and the dog is a man who gave up a billionaire lifestyle to right the path of a country he saw failing that had given him so much opportunity to win. I know this pattern of tails and dogs extremely well. It describes my own life in detail.

When I was a kid I was a pretty good football receiver on the schoolyard playground but was never asked to play by the kids my age. The older kids out of pity I suspect would let me play on Saturdays with them and I was pretty good actually at catching and running. Kickball games were had before school started each day and I was pretty good at that and dodgeball. But I was always the very last one to be picked to be on a team and in fact, everyone would be chosen and I was left to just walk over to the side who had the last pick. I'm in my middle 60s now and I still remember these traumatic experiences that took place over a half-century ago. 

I was never the cool kid with friends and status I was shy and aloof and hid from the crowds and sat in the back. The things I was good at made no difference to anyone of higher status no matter how good I ended up being because I never fit in always insisting on just being myself and hoping one day that would be enough and it never was. 

Trump seems very similar to this in that regardless of the consequences he too insists on being himself. He was hired to run the country because he wasn't a good ole boy politician and what he was able to accomplish prior to the pandemic was historic and all the while being eviscerated in the press and by democrats who crucified this man daily and made up and paid for with taxpayer money hoaxes to damage this guy because he wasn't one of them, he made them look like inept gangsters and then he walked right in and began everyone's ass. I doubt America will ever see the levels of prosperity jobs and accomplishments he produced in just a couple of years ever again. 

But he was brash, cocky, self-absorbed, and wasn't going to take the abuse and character assassinations he was faced with while turning this country into all it was capable of being, and who could blame him. Sometimes people who are especially good at some things have to pat themselves on the back because if they don't no one else will. But it looks bad and it pisses people off who are already furious that you have accomplished things they are incapable or unwilling to.  

Trump has made politicians on both sides and in between look like the blood-sucking charlatans they are and when you do that while stomping their asses and rubbing their noses in it you get a target on your head and had better watch your back. Trumps had the audacity to think doing great things for the people and the country would be enough. I thought when I was smacking people left and right during dodgeball in jr high school that maybe tomorrow someone would actually pick me for their team and it didn't turn out that way I wasn't one of them. We as a country are about to get a good hard lesson of revenge on hiring a guy who made politicians look like the thieves they are. 

Trump's biggest issue was thinking that doing great would be enough to override a personality many don't like. He was wrong and now the very ones who gained the most from what he was able to accomplish, are turning on him and voting him out. No matter how much you do for someone or a place where you work, if they don't like you, you are on borrowed time. The clock on this president was ticking the moment it became obvious that a higher power had stepped in and kept the country from enduring a criminal monster in clinton as president. An outright coup attempt has been working since before the inauguration and Trump's time in office was to be less than or certainly not more than 4 years and here we are. 

I worked in broadcast news for 18 years and I know how it operates. They made stories out of a 40-year-old run-down vacant house fire if I had flames and turn into a "tragedy for the community," who had actually been using it to shoot drugs and rape prostitutes in but you wouldn't know that from the flames and "interpretive writing.." When other channels had a "story" we didn't have they would send me to shoot a street sign or a wet spot in the street where someone had been shot just to do a "story" that wasn't important until the other channel had it. Misdemeanor homicides are what the newsroom called them behind the scenes when it was in a black or hispanic "bad neighborhood." But you wouldn't know that either because that doesn't fit the narrative that must be sold that journalists are just too above the fray of hidden realities of a "newsroom."  

So I know full well the who, how, and why they spun this massive election disappointment they felt and they have zero shame. So-called journalists today view themselves as arbiters of social justice and unbiased sharing of fact when they are actually part of the wave to roll America over from the free and open democratic republic they hold in some psychotic vile and repulsive disdain. 

biden is just a pawn in all this. harris couldn't have gotten elected so biden is there as a place holder for those with the actual keys to the power they will use to kick him and you, out of their way. There is no doubt in my mind this formality of an election will be a democrat takeover of the house, the senate, and the White House putting every one of you the American people on notice that you are to either step aside, pay-up, hand over your guns, and keep your mouth shut lest you want to feel the revenge of anarchy and hate you aren't going to be allowed to defend yourself against. 

Thank you Donald Trump for giving it all you had. You helped me regain faith in America for a few years after the pillaging of the country by obama and biden. You helped make it possible for a 10th-grade graduate to work and do well and invest and become financially secure. But in this mentally unstable society, you have to get along to get along, and being yourself wasn't going to go without consequences for your re-election and for the rest of us who lose right along with you on the 3rd of November. 

This so-called election in a few days isn't a referendum on Trump or republicans or democrats, it's a choice people are making not for what kind of country they want to live and raise kids in, it's a referendum on feelings over actions, anger, and anarchy over law and order, force and control. The America about to be reorganized is never going to be able to recover in most of our lifetimes and those who bring this on by voting for it don't deserve the prosperity and freedom they are giving up so have at it. Trump can go back to living a life most only dream about and you fools that will be voting to cap your own futures and those of your children, you can learn the hard way the cost of replacing your common sense with hate.

Adios America.

lethal despair

Odd how I can easily write about almost anything but this. Each time I try I fail and stop. Revealing too much can be a really awful thing I have extensive experience with. But there is no one around, and no judgment to fear so whatever. Over and over can you die from sadness and despair, runs through my head. 

Today was a nice and cool fall-like day. Skies were grey and a nice breeze flowing through the trees. I sat for hours outside soaking up the silence at moms. Silence is nice until it becomes a trigger for memories and the weight of loss. This is a peaceful and mostly quiet neighborhood and I just know life was happening all around me for some although I couldn't see it. No one knows if I am alive or dead and this is my life now. 

My love for mom's house runs deep, it's home and there could never be another. As I look around I see things that mom used to talk about like the tree that needed pruning, the fence-mending, her roses blooming. All these things are comforting to be near then almost instantly I am reminded that what made this house a beautiful warm home is now gone forever.

I've struggled over what to do with two houses when I hardly use much of one. I've left everything unmoved in mom's house and can't bear to think of anyone else living here but can I live here? Next month it will be a year since mom left this earth. 

I've not done well and think I may be giving back some of the progress I had made. I'm told it takes time and maybe it does for some. Those who have a full life and maybe those who like and are around other people do better but that is not my life. 

I've managed to excel at many things I was highly unqualified to do but now and with this, I feel trapped in a world I no longer recognize. It's warm and inviting in this home but without mom sitting in her recliner and wanting to know all that was going on with me it's hard to imagine my despair getting anything but worse over time. 

I haven't moved a thing and can hardly walk into her room. When I walk through the hall I do look in there and almost as quick I have to turn away. That is after a year. Her favorite shirts and her shoes and walker everything is where it was and I can't wrap my head around moving forward enough to figure out what to do with much of it. Some 10 boxes or so I gave to Goodwill but the remainder is this really personal stuff and I just haven't been able to make myself do much more yet.  

Sadness and depression are exhausting. I can feel the weight in my chest. A recent health diagnosis that ordinarily would have sent me into this emotional tornado is now just another thing to deal with and has to be a part of God's plan to end all this just sooner and differently than I had expected. 

My mom always told me when I felt this way to stop and go do something for someone else. She was so wise and had such a beautiful heart and soul. She was a cook and a cake maker and a dressmaker. She made wedding cakes for family members and made my sister's wedding dress saving them tons of money. There are checks written to her that she never cashed for some loan she gave to almost every family member. There are every spice and seasoning in the cupboard in the kitchen and all have their place and she could have told you exactly where they were and what to put them on and how much. There are pots and pans and measuring do-dads and appliances and fancy mixers and on and on. It's all still in there put away nicely and organized as if she was coming back to make us dinner again. If you had a cut or a pain she had every fix that has ever been made and it's all still here right where she had it and she knew where it was. She always told me a place for everything and everything in its place and there is evidence that she lived that way her whole life in every corner of this home.         

Using writing as a purge sometimes works for me to some degree and maybe it has here. This rollercoaster of emotions happens and then it has no place to go so it wells up inside and because I have no other way of dealing with it I often use writing to let some of the pressure off. 

May God bless and care for others going through things right now and may he light the path for all of us to find our way. 

Amen. 

trust me, you aren't..

Some health news came to me today that wasn't what I was hoping for but not that surprising considering the toll losing my mom has had on me. I took some time to sit outside for a bit with a cup of tea and did some soul searching. (yes I have a soul) No real pity party was had but in all honesty, the time frame for the things I thought I might want to do with the rest of my life has now changed both for what I thought about doing in search for some peace in this world without my mom, and when I had in mind to maybe do those things. Some of you who run across this have already gone through this sort of thing and you'll recognize how unsettling it can be.    

As I went through the thoughts spinning around in my head, I did what I always do when faced with difficult news and I examined the worst part and the least bad parts of it to figure out ahead of time how tough it might end up being. So the worst part believe it or not isn't how it's going to be for you, it's how it will affect those around you, your friends, your loved ones, family, etc. Truth is, there IS no one around me now so there's that out of the way. My mom was the only one I let get close as I got older and it was better for her because she needed me so much near the end. Knowing that my mom isn't here to worry and suffer through this with me is oddly comforting and I believe a gift from God. She would have suffered greatly because she always cared more for others than herself and me being her youngest, her baby even at 64, her worry would have been lethal to her before her time.

So as I sipped my tea and sorted through whatever made it through my mind, I was able by the time the tea was gone to remove the worst-case scenario from the table that being having to watch my mom suffer from worry over me. I truly believe God is in control of all of this including most of all the timing and I can't recall there ever being a bad situation for me where I could remove the worst-case scenario off the table so quickly. So thank you God for working that part of this out. Please stand by cause there's more to come.         

At times like this the "thoughts and prayers," are always offered but do you actually know people who stop their entire lives even for a few seconds to close their eyes, bow their heads, and pray for anyone they have said that to? Maybe they do but I'm always skeptical even though I realize its said with the best intentions and from some of the kindest and most thoughtful people around. I won't write it or say it to anyone myself because of how it affects me when I see it and I don't want anyone else to feel like oh here it comes just another something people say. So for what it's worth, here's what I actually do instead.   

I actually do talk to God for those I know going through tough times especially with health issues regardless of whether I think highly of them or they have shown not to be the kind of people I want to ever be around again. Most of those prayers happen when I visit my mom's resting place and I ask that God wrap his arms around everyone in need and those who don't know they are in need yet. I say the names of those I know out loud and I mean all that I say. I don't know if it helps but I know it doesn't hurt and it's better than typing "thoughts and prayers," on a computer and having someone think of it as just stuff people say. 

Just a thought.. 

Take care of yourselves folks even those of you who right now think you are invincible.

Trust me, you aren't. 

un-masked anti-social media

I was born in a Navy hospital in Coronado California on Thursday, February 23, 1956, at 8pm. 

On the floor in our tiny little house, I remember watching the first landing on the moon on our black and white tv set. My music consisted mostly of the Beatles, the Monkeys, Rolling Stones and so on and I had their pictures on my wall. Mom worked long hours on dangerous collections work knocking on doors of delinquent accounts to pay the note on our house that was $46 dollars a month. I found the receipts from all those years ago just recently and many other keepsakes from that time. I pounded on a snare drum in my room that my mom bought me and dreamed of becoming a drummer one day but that and other dreams didn't happen. 

Mom even though we were considered poor I guess, somehow always had presents for us under the tree at Christmas time and I can never forget the used bike she got for me that one year when I was hoping for a new one. It was all she could afford and I was disappointed when I saw it cause all the other kids got brand new shiny Schwinn Stingrays with the banana seats, high handlebars, and flared fenders but I did my best not to show my disappointed and pray she never knew. I felt shame over feeling that way for years until I grew up and understood that mom always gave us whatever she could. She worked to provide for her kids and had no help and never asked for any. She lived for almost 93 years and I've found evidence that every generation in our extended family was the recipient of her giving at one time or another over and above whatever her needs and wants might have been.  

God saw to it that for some reason I was the recipient of rock-solid, decent, and moral values from my mother that shaped who I was to become. That time was different and those morals and values have given way to today's vile and evil values and our society suffers for it. While there are still a few who lived during those times back then still trying to cling to our old values, the dark souls of today who are the products of soulless homes full of manufactured rage and hate where character and decency have been replaced with learning how to get, take, and exploit weakness in our society today are shoving them aside.

It was a blessing to have lived through those times with the best of humanity the world will ever know, and a curse witnessing what we have devolved into since. I believe everything has a cycle and nothing happens by chance. The society we are living in today is vile and evil when compared to generations from the past and those of us old enough to remember how it used to be, we're now too old to turn it around. The worst of humanity is no longer a story you read in the paper from far away, it's in your face every day on social media platforms where people waste a lot of their lives.  

All the isms' of today marxism, socialism, communism, were created and manufactured by the blackest hearts and darkest souls seeking control and power. These forces of evil must create or convince in large numbers enough people willing to play the role of the less than, the powerless, and the unable to succeed in life without taking from others by violence and anarchy if necessary. Living life convinced that you are a victim by those who despise you and America has become a massively lucrative business for professional politicians and professional victims who both make a living off the deception and force you to pay for them both. Facebook is a large part of what is making this society sick by showing in real-time just how heartless and empty many souls are today seeking power and control over our lives while censoring your freedom to oppose. 

One man alone, awkward and ill-spoken as he is, cannot stand between where we came from and where we are going without being crucified, crushed, and destroyed as a lesson to others who might dare to oppose the transformation of America from the once greatest, strongest, wealthiest country on earth to just another 3rd world anarchist led shit hole. 

God bless Donald Trump for trying and eternal shame on the rest of us for not supporting him in enough numbers and with the will and tools necessary to put a permanent end to his crucifixion.  

walking on the moon

It rained tonight.. a good rain. I made a cup of hot tea and sat in front of an opened garage door to take it all in. Hasn't rained here in quite some time and we needed it. The life rain gives is like no other and I knew that in the days ahead I would see that life in many ways that would seem less beautiful and less real. Didn't take long and my thoughts went to my mom and that emotional place I try to mitigate with keeping busy but there was nothing stopping this tonight. It's been nine months since mom passed away and the feelings still run very deep and raw when I can't find something else to occupy my mind.

It's interesting this virus situation that has isolated so many people that I almost feel these days like I have a little bit more in common with people in general than I ever have before. My contact with human beings these days consists of kids in drive-through windows or every month or so a phone conversation I'm forced to have with someone for one reason or another. I can go weeks without speaking to another human being and the funny thing is like today, I was talking to a person at the bank, and instead of my usual get to the point and move on conversations, I just kept rambling until I could tell her interest was waning then she tells me "well I need to let you go..." and I just felt embarrassed knowing I was talking for all the right reasons but to the wrong person and I realize now, there is no right person anymore. I could hear through the phone her shifting around trying to get other things done while I rambled about stuff that had been stuck in my head with no place to go. 

When I was working and around a lot of people I would generally stay quiet and to myself and do my job then go home. I've never found anyone in the last 20-30 years or so who has one single interest in anything that interests me and as odd as that is, it causes me to feel like I have to do this social tap dance when around others staying very quiet with a lot of head-nodding while trying to keep everyone from seeing my eyes all glazed over. Believe me, it is a ton of work trying to keep others from seeing this imaginary neon flashing tattoo on my forehead that says, "I don't know what you just said or what the hell you've been talking about for the past hour.."

When your only interest in Netflix is where the stock priced closed today and you don't watch television or cable news because the world is upside down, and your politics have been canceled by people who think with their feelings instead of their brains, and you're a single old man with as much interest in dating as in watching a video montage of Hells Angels getting colonoscopies, what is there left to talk about at a get-together? The very few social events I've been to like this I usually end up leaving and feeling like I'm going to throw up before I can get back to my car.

The more I have the less I use. Two houses, 6 bedrooms, 4 baths more than I ever would want or need and I sleep on a couch in one house, and the last 2 times it's rained I spent hours sitting either inside my car in the driveway or in a garage on a lawn chair wondering what to do with the life I have left and never coming up with an answer. It feels like I'm walking on the moon alone, aimlessly with no way back to earth. Treading water is not what my mom wanted for me and I feel somewhat guilty having so much and feeling so empty. Ms. J across the street she is 93 the same age my mom would have been, she fell and broke her hip a couple days ago. Her daughter doesn't think she'll be able to live alone in her house anymore when she recovers. It's just so painfully sad and to think one day, that will be me.. There have been in the 2 blocks between both my houses 11 older folks who have passed away in the past very few years. Enough to keep me aware of how very short this life is and how totally ashamed I am that I may be wasting what is left of mine.

The title of this post should have been, don't be me. Then I could add all the advice I give and don't take like, cherish what time you have left and live every day like it's your last because it just might be.. Make sure those you care about know every single day how much they mean to you and do it in person face to face or it won't mean much. The first time I watched someone so close to me pass away was my mom. I was right there with her and I can tell you that when your loved one takes their last breath, it's done, it's over, the end. There are no more seconds or minutes to say anything or do anything it just ends and they are gone forever in an instant. God blessed me with being there to take care of her for some time before her passing and then afterwards all the things that have to be done. As blessed as I feel it is also one of the deepest and heaviest emotional struggles I could have ever imagined even to this day. 

There is a very small book maybe 30 or 40 small pages that I have had for many years it's called "If Only I knew," written by Lance Wubbels. I am a terrible reader and trust me you could read this little book in 30 minutes and it very well could be the most important reminder of how much the people in your life mean to you right this very minute and before they are gone. Each page has a one or two-sentence reminder of what is important and you can never forget it. I think it's under $10 bucks here - If Only I knew