the tail always wags the dog for some..

the election in less than 2 weeks is going to be a massive and decisive blue wave according to what I can see from here. The loss of both the house and the senate and the White House is going to put America on a path to what she has fought wars to prevent. But why would a society do this to itself if it had an opportunity to avoid it? My theory is born from the quote about the tail wagging the dog. 

The tail is a personality too many found offensive and unpresidential and the dog is a man who gave up a billionaire lifestyle to right the path of a country he saw failing that had given him so much opportunity to win. I know this pattern of tails and dogs extremely well. It describes my own life in detail.

When I was a kid I was a pretty good football receiver on the schoolyard playground but was never asked to play by the kids my age. The older kids out of pity I suspect would let me play on Saturdays with them and I was pretty good actually at catching and running. Kickball games were had before school started each day and I was pretty good at that and dodgeball. But I was always the very last one to be picked to be on a team and in fact, everyone would be chosen and I was left to just walk over to the side who had the last pick. I'm in my middle 60s now and I still remember these traumatic experiences that took place over a half-century ago. 

I was never the cool kid with friends and status I was shy and aloof and hid from the crowds and sat in the back. The things I was good at made no difference to anyone of higher status no matter how good I ended up being because I never fit in always insisting on just being myself and hoping one day that would be enough and it never was. 

Trump seems very similar to this in that regardless of the consequences he too insists on being himself. He was hired to run the country because he wasn't a good ole boy politician and what he was able to accomplish prior to the pandemic was historic and all the while being eviscerated in the press and by democrats who crucified this man daily and made up and paid for with taxpayer money hoaxes to damage this guy because he wasn't one of them, he made them look like inept gangsters and then he walked right in and began everyone's ass. I doubt America will ever see the levels of prosperity jobs and accomplishments he produced in just a couple of years ever again. 

But he was brash, cocky, self-absorbed, and wasn't going to take the abuse and character assassinations he was faced with while turning this country into all it was capable of being, and who could blame him. Sometimes people who are especially good at some things have to pat themselves on the back because if they don't no one else will. But it looks bad and it pisses people off who are already furious that you have accomplished things they are incapable or unwilling to.  

Trump has made politicians on both sides and in between look like the blood-sucking charlatans they are and when you do that while stomping their asses and rubbing their noses in it you get a target on your head and had better watch your back. Trumps had the audacity to think doing great things for the people and the country would be enough. I thought when I was smacking people left and right during dodgeball in jr high school that maybe tomorrow someone would actually pick me for their team and it didn't turn out that way I wasn't one of them. We as a country are about to get a good hard lesson of revenge on hiring a guy who made politicians look like the thieves they are. 

Trump's biggest issue was thinking that doing great would be enough to override a personality many don't like. He was wrong and now the very ones who gained the most from what he was able to accomplish, are turning on him and voting him out. No matter how much you do for someone or a place where you work, if they don't like you, you are on borrowed time. The clock on this president was ticking the moment it became obvious that a higher power had stepped in and kept the country from enduring a criminal monster in clinton as president. An outright coup attempt has been working since before the inauguration and Trump's time in office was to be less than or certainly not more than 4 years and here we are. 

I worked in broadcast news for 18 years and I know how it operates. They made stories out of a 40-year-old run-down vacant house fire if I had flames and turn into a "tragedy for the community," who had actually been using it to shoot drugs and rape prostitutes in but you wouldn't know that from the flames and "interpretive writing.." When other channels had a "story" we didn't have they would send me to shoot a street sign or a wet spot in the street where someone had been shot just to do a "story" that wasn't important until the other channel had it. Misdemeanor homicides are what the newsroom called them behind the scenes when it was in a black or hispanic "bad neighborhood." But you wouldn't know that either because that doesn't fit the narrative that must be sold that journalists are just too above the fray of hidden realities of a "newsroom."  

So I know full well the who, how, and why they spun this massive election disappointment they felt and they have zero shame. So-called journalists today view themselves as arbiters of social justice and unbiased sharing of fact when they are actually part of the wave to roll America over from the free and open democratic republic they hold in some psychotic vile and repulsive disdain. 

biden is just a pawn in all this. harris couldn't have gotten elected so biden is there as a place holder for those with the actual keys to the power they will use to kick him and you, out of their way. There is no doubt in my mind this formality of an election will be a democrat takeover of the house, the senate, and the White House putting every one of you the American people on notice that you are to either step aside, pay-up, hand over your guns, and keep your mouth shut lest you want to feel the revenge of anarchy and hate you aren't going to be allowed to defend yourself against. 

Thank you Donald Trump for giving it all you had. You helped me regain faith in America for a few years after the pillaging of the country by obama and biden. You helped make it possible for a 10th-grade graduate to work and do well and invest and become financially secure. But in this mentally unstable society, you have to get along to get along, and being yourself wasn't going to go without consequences for your re-election and for the rest of us who lose right along with you on the 3rd of November. 

This so-called election in a few days isn't a referendum on Trump or republicans or democrats, it's a choice people are making not for what kind of country they want to live and raise kids in, it's a referendum on feelings over actions, anger, and anarchy over law and order, force and control. The America about to be reorganized is never going to be able to recover in most of our lifetimes and those who bring this on by voting for it don't deserve the prosperity and freedom they are giving up so have at it. Trump can go back to living a life most only dream about and you fools that will be voting to cap your own futures and those of your children, you can learn the hard way the cost of replacing your common sense with hate.

Adios America.

lethal despair

Odd how I can easily write about almost anything but this. Each time I try I fail and stop. Revealing too much can be a really awful thing I have extensive experience with. But there is no one around, and no judgment to fear so whatever. Over and over can you die from sadness and despair, runs through my head. 

Today was a nice and cool fall-like day. Skies were grey and a nice breeze flowing through the trees. I sat for hours outside soaking up the silence at moms. Silence is nice until it becomes a trigger for memories and the weight of loss. This is a peaceful and mostly quiet neighborhood and I just know life was happening all around me for some although I couldn't see it. No one knows if I am alive or dead and this is my life now. 

My love for mom's house runs deep, it's home and there could never be another. As I look around I see things that mom used to talk about like the tree that needed pruning, the fence-mending, her roses blooming. All these things are comforting to be near then almost instantly I am reminded that what made this house a beautiful warm home is now gone forever.

I've struggled over what to do with two houses when I hardly use much of one. I've left everything unmoved in mom's house and can't bear to think of anyone else living here but can I live here? Next month it will be a year since mom left this earth. 

I've not done well and think I may be giving back some of the progress I had made. I'm told it takes time and maybe it does for some. Those who have a full life and maybe those who like and are around other people do better but that is not my life. 

I've managed to excel at many things I was highly unqualified to do but now and with this, I feel trapped in a world I no longer recognize. It's warm and inviting in this home but without mom sitting in her recliner and wanting to know all that was going on with me it's hard to imagine my despair getting anything but worse over time. 

I haven't moved a thing and can hardly walk into her room. When I walk through the hall I do look in there and almost as quick I have to turn away. That is after a year. Her favorite shirts and her shoes and walker everything is where it was and I can't wrap my head around moving forward enough to figure out what to do with much of it. Some 10 boxes or so I gave to Goodwill but the remainder is this really personal stuff and I just haven't been able to make myself do much more yet.  

Sadness and depression are exhausting. I can feel the weight in my chest. A recent health diagnosis that ordinarily would have sent me into this emotional tornado is now just another thing to deal with and has to be a part of God's plan to end all this just sooner and differently than I had expected. 

My mom always told me when I felt this way to stop and go do something for someone else. She was so wise and had such a beautiful heart and soul. She was a cook and a cake maker and a dressmaker. She made wedding cakes for family members and made my sister's wedding dress saving them tons of money. There are checks written to her that she never cashed for some loan she gave to almost every family member. There are every spice and seasoning in the cupboard in the kitchen and all have their place and she could have told you exactly where they were and what to put them on and how much. There are pots and pans and measuring do-dads and appliances and fancy mixers and on and on. It's all still in there put away nicely and organized as if she was coming back to make us dinner again. If you had a cut or a pain she had every fix that has ever been made and it's all still here right where she had it and she knew where it was. She always told me a place for everything and everything in its place and there is evidence that she lived that way her whole life in every corner of this home.         

Using writing as a purge sometimes works for me to some degree and maybe it has here. This rollercoaster of emotions happens and then it has no place to go so it wells up inside and because I have no other way of dealing with it I often use writing to let some of the pressure off. 

May God bless and care for others going through things right now and may he light the path for all of us to find our way. 

Amen. 

trust me, you aren't..

Some health news came to me today that wasn't what I was hoping for but not that surprising considering the toll losing my mom has had on me. I took some time to sit outside for a bit with a cup of tea and did some soul searching. (yes I have a soul) No real pity party was had but in all honesty, the time frame for the things I thought I might want to do with the rest of my life has now changed both for what I thought about doing in search for some peace in this world without my mom, and when I had in mind to maybe do those things. Some of you who run across this have already gone through this sort of thing and you'll recognize how unsettling it can be.    

As I went through the thoughts spinning around in my head, I did what I always do when faced with difficult news and I examined the worst part and the least bad parts of it to figure out ahead of time how tough it might end up being. So the worst part believe it or not isn't how it's going to be for you, it's how it will affect those around you, your friends, your loved ones, family, etc. Truth is, there IS no one around me now so there's that out of the way. My mom was the only one I let get close as I got older and it was better for her because she needed me so much near the end. Knowing that my mom isn't here to worry and suffer through this with me is oddly comforting and I believe a gift from God. She would have suffered greatly because she always cared more for others than herself and me being her youngest, her baby even at 64, her worry would have been lethal to her before her time.

So as I sipped my tea and sorted through whatever made it through my mind, I was able by the time the tea was gone to remove the worst-case scenario from the table that being having to watch my mom suffer from worry over me. I truly believe God is in control of all of this including most of all the timing and I can't recall there ever being a bad situation for me where I could remove the worst-case scenario off the table so quickly. So thank you God for working that part of this out. Please stand by cause there's more to come.         

At times like this the "thoughts and prayers," are always offered but do you actually know people who stop their entire lives even for a few seconds to close their eyes, bow their heads, and pray for anyone they have said that to? Maybe they do but I'm always skeptical even though I realize its said with the best intentions and from some of the kindest and most thoughtful people around. I won't write it or say it to anyone myself because of how it affects me when I see it and I don't want anyone else to feel like oh here it comes just another something people say. So for what it's worth, here's what I actually do instead.   

I actually do talk to God for those I know going through tough times especially with health issues regardless of whether I think highly of them or they have shown not to be the kind of people I want to ever be around again. Most of those prayers happen when I visit my mom's resting place and I ask that God wrap his arms around everyone in need and those who don't know they are in need yet. I say the names of those I know out loud and I mean all that I say. I don't know if it helps but I know it doesn't hurt and it's better than typing "thoughts and prayers," on a computer and having someone think of it as just stuff people say. 

Just a thought.. 

Take care of yourselves folks even those of you who right now think you are invincible.

Trust me, you aren't. 

un-masked anti-social media

I was born in a Navy hospital in Coronado California on Thursday, February 23, 1956, at 8pm. 

On the floor in our tiny little house, I remember watching the first landing on the moon on our black and white tv set. My music consisted mostly of the Beatles, the Monkeys, Rolling Stones and so on and I had their pictures on my wall. Mom worked long hours on dangerous collections work knocking on doors of delinquent accounts to pay the note on our house that was $46 dollars a month. I found the receipts from all those years ago just recently and many other keepsakes from that time. I pounded on a snare drum in my room that my mom bought me and dreamed of becoming a drummer one day but that and other dreams didn't happen. 

Mom even though we were considered poor I guess, somehow always had presents for us under the tree at Christmas time and I can never forget the used bike she got for me that one year when I was hoping for a new one. It was all she could afford and I was disappointed when I saw it cause all the other kids got brand new shiny Schwinn Stingrays with the banana seats, high handlebars, and flared fenders but I did my best not to show my disappointed and pray she never knew. I felt shame over feeling that way for years until I grew up and understood that mom always gave us whatever she could. She worked to provide for her kids and had no help and never asked for any. She lived for almost 93 years and I've found evidence that every generation in our extended family was the recipient of her giving at one time or another over and above whatever her needs and wants might have been.  

God saw to it that for some reason I was the recipient of rock-solid, decent, and moral values from my mother that shaped who I was to become. That time was different and those morals and values have given way to today's vile and evil values and our society suffers for it. While there are still a few who lived during those times back then still trying to cling to our old values, the dark souls of today who are the products of soulless homes full of manufactured rage and hate where character and decency have been replaced with learning how to get, take, and exploit weakness in our society today are shoving them aside.

It was a blessing to have lived through those times with the best of humanity the world will ever know, and a curse witnessing what we have devolved into since. I believe everything has a cycle and nothing happens by chance. The society we are living in today is vile and evil when compared to generations from the past and those of us old enough to remember how it used to be, we're now too old to turn it around. The worst of humanity is no longer a story you read in the paper from far away, it's in your face every day on social media platforms where people waste a lot of their lives.  

All the isms' of today marxism, socialism, communism, were created and manufactured by the blackest hearts and darkest souls seeking control and power. These forces of evil must create or convince in large numbers enough people willing to play the role of the less than, the powerless, and the unable to succeed in life without taking from others by violence and anarchy if necessary. Living life convinced that you are a victim by those who despise you and America has become a massively lucrative business for professional politicians and professional victims who both make a living off the deception and force you to pay for them both. Facebook is a large part of what is making this society sick by showing in real-time just how heartless and empty many souls are today seeking power and control over our lives while censoring your freedom to oppose. 

One man alone, awkward and ill-spoken as he is, cannot stand between where we came from and where we are going without being crucified, crushed, and destroyed as a lesson to others who might dare to oppose the transformation of America from the once greatest, strongest, wealthiest country on earth to just another 3rd world anarchist led shit hole. 

God bless Donald Trump for trying and eternal shame on the rest of us for not supporting him in enough numbers and with the will and tools necessary to put a permanent end to his crucifixion.  

walking on the moon

It rained tonight.. a good rain. I made a cup of hot tea and sat in front of an opened garage door to take it all in. Hasn't rained here in quite some time and we needed it. The life rain gives is like no other and I knew that in the days ahead I would see that life in many ways that would seem less beautiful and less real. Didn't take long and my thoughts went to my mom and that emotional place I try to mitigate with keeping busy but there was nothing stopping this tonight. It's been nine months since mom passed away and the feelings still run very deep and raw when I can't find something else to occupy my mind.

It's interesting this virus situation that has isolated so many people that I almost feel these days like I have a little bit more in common with people in general than I ever have before. My contact with human beings these days consists of kids in drive-through windows or every month or so a phone conversation I'm forced to have with someone for one reason or another. I can go weeks without speaking to another human being and the funny thing is like today, I was talking to a person at the bank, and instead of my usual get to the point and move on conversations, I just kept rambling until I could tell her interest was waning then she tells me "well I need to let you go..." and I just felt embarrassed knowing I was talking for all the right reasons but to the wrong person and I realize now, there is no right person anymore. I could hear through the phone her shifting around trying to get other things done while I rambled about stuff that had been stuck in my head with no place to go. 

When I was working and around a lot of people I would generally stay quiet and to myself and do my job then go home. I've never found anyone in the last 20-30 years or so who has one single interest in anything that interests me and as odd as that is, it causes me to feel like I have to do this social tap dance when around others staying very quiet with a lot of head-nodding while trying to keep everyone from seeing my eyes all glazed over. Believe me, it is a ton of work trying to keep others from seeing this imaginary neon flashing tattoo on my forehead that says, "I don't know what you just said or what the hell you've been talking about for the past hour.."

When your only interest in Netflix is where the stock priced closed today and you don't watch television or cable news because the world is upside down, and your politics have been canceled by people who think with their feelings instead of their brains, and you're a single old man with as much interest in dating as in watching a video montage of Hells Angels getting colonoscopies, what is there left to talk about at a get-together? The very few social events I've been to like this I usually end up leaving and feeling like I'm going to throw up before I can get back to my car.

The more I have the less I use. Two houses, 6 bedrooms, 4 baths more than I ever would want or need and I sleep on a couch in one house, and the last 2 times it's rained I spent hours sitting either inside my car in the driveway or in a garage on a lawn chair wondering what to do with the life I have left and never coming up with an answer. It feels like I'm walking on the moon alone, aimlessly with no way back to earth. Treading water is not what my mom wanted for me and I feel somewhat guilty having so much and feeling so empty. Ms. J across the street she is 93 the same age my mom would have been, she fell and broke her hip a couple days ago. Her daughter doesn't think she'll be able to live alone in her house anymore when she recovers. It's just so painfully sad and to think one day, that will be me.. There have been in the 2 blocks between both my houses 11 older folks who have passed away in the past very few years. Enough to keep me aware of how very short this life is and how totally ashamed I am that I may be wasting what is left of mine.

The title of this post should have been, don't be me. Then I could add all the advice I give and don't take like, cherish what time you have left and live every day like it's your last because it just might be.. Make sure those you care about know every single day how much they mean to you and do it in person face to face or it won't mean much. The first time I watched someone so close to me pass away was my mom. I was right there with her and I can tell you that when your loved one takes their last breath, it's done, it's over, the end. There are no more seconds or minutes to say anything or do anything it just ends and they are gone forever in an instant. God blessed me with being there to take care of her for some time before her passing and then afterwards all the things that have to be done. As blessed as I feel it is also one of the deepest and heaviest emotional struggles I could have ever imagined even to this day. 

There is a very small book maybe 30 or 40 small pages that I have had for many years it's called "If Only I knew," written by Lance Wubbels. I am a terrible reader and trust me you could read this little book in 30 minutes and it very well could be the most important reminder of how much the people in your life mean to you right this very minute and before they are gone. Each page has a one or two-sentence reminder of what is important and you can never forget it. I think it's under $10 bucks here - If Only I knew

it was time

at least a few times a day even after nine months you've been gone, I’m still checking my phone to make sure I didn't miss a call from you. It will be nine months tomorrow morning at 1:48am that the Lord decided that it was time to make your body whole again, to take away your illnesses and difficulty walking and breathing. It was time at sixty-four years old for your son to finally grow up and take on the world without you being here. But the messages I get now are when I see a redbird and it's mate flittering around in the trees at your house or a stray cat looking to me for food like they did you. Important things were never in emails or voice mails anyway and you hated talking on the phone preferring to see and talk in person. You were so right on all the important things.

Our dinners on Sundays I still try to have by myself but they don't taste like they did when you were here and the shows we watched aren't allowed on television anymore. My smiles and laughter as rare as they used to be are even more so now but I am trying because I know that is what you would want. When something does strike me as funny I almost instantly feel a sense of guilt that how could I ever smile again without you here in my life. But you are in my life and the signs are everywhere. I know you want me to lighten up and I'm trying. When I think of you I instantly know how you want me to be alright and you have to be aware that I'm doing the best that I can and I won't stop trying because of the promises I made before you left this earth.

Some days I do OK and that is a change that time and acceptance are giving me. Maybe it's the signs from you and God that I've asked for in prayer, I'd like to think so. I've made it through one closet almost entirely and I hope you are alright with where I'm donating your things. It's hard not to find a thousand reasons to keep everything you ever touched but I know that I can't it's just too hard. So many photos from lives past and I'm trying to sort through as many as I can and get them to those who should have them. My prayer is that you aren't too disappointed in my sadness when I feel it, and the sorrow in my soul you were so afraid would consume me without you being here. I'm afraid of that too but I really am working on it.

I'll see you again one day my sweet mom and I can hardly wait. Keep sending me signs that could only come from you and I'll keep working to be ok. I love you mom. 

when I'm dead

I'd like to just have one good solid epiphany in my life and call it a day but they just keep coming one after another. I've just about gotten over the idea this blog would be useful to the one person I thought might want to know what I was like when I was here. I must have started writing here on the one day I misplaced my skepticism about it but I've definitely found it again. Still, I write for the same reasons that I kept going to school a few days a week knowing they didn't want me there any more than I did.

I read an article today about a comedian I never really cared for while he was alive but I discovered some weird similarities in his life and mine. Garry Shandling died at I think 66 in 2016 of a heart attack. He looked at life very differently than a lot of people did and near the end of his life, he had a habit of just walking away from things he was quite good at if he lost interest. That's the thing that had me reading further to see if we had any other similarities cause God knows most people find something they're good at and then wear it out fearing there might not be anything else left in the tank.

He died at 66 and I'm 64. His last serious girlfriend told of him taking Excedrin every day for the last 5 years of his life would make swiss cheese out of his liver. I've taken Excedrin every day of my life for about the past 30 years. When you have an auto-immune disease that causes you to experience unbearable pain every day, you take what you need to and we sure had that in common. He had thyroid issues that increase your risk of a heart attack, and I have thyroid issues. He ended up walking away from lucrative work opportunities because he would get tired of doing the same shit every day. I can't even begin to count how many times I've done that but many is as close as I can get.

When Garry died he left almost all his modest millions to a charity hospital. For those few who might have hoped otherwise, I too am leaving what's left to St Judes Children's Research Hospital and Shriners Hospital for Children. The similarities from personality to work to health issues are wildly similar to my own and I have felt and said this a few times that if I were to live another 5 years from now no one will be more surprised than me. Garry was cremated and his ashes were given to a friend or family they aren't sure. I've put in my will and paid for my own cremation and having no more family left, just dig the hole next to my mom that is already designated for me and drop my mess in there and be done with it. None of this ceremonial nonsense where people have to make the decision to either go bowling or spend an hour next to my mess when they weren't there for my life in the first place. So no worries that I would want to ruin anyone's afternoon to have to come and pretend to give a shit when I'm finally stuffed in a bottle.

 The final oddity is how I never cared much about Shandling when he was alive and how little I care for myself these days now that mom has passed away so the end of our lives will likely be similar as well, alone, heart attack, and dropped in the ground to be forgotten. When God decides I've had enough here on earth, sometime after seeing my mom again and meeting my grandfather and my uncle Dub, I want to meet up with Garry and talk for a while. We'll have a few laughs and trade a few lies.

the long goodbye

Every one of us has examples of people in or around our lives that have been disappointing or turned out to be someone other than who we thought they were. This was a rare thing back in the day when I was growing up but not anymore. Before there was this connection to the entire world through the internet there were friends we actually knew and didn't want to hurt or disappoint. Back then you would have to pick up a telephone and dial a number you knew by heart to have a conversation with someone you would actually see and talk to in person at some point making civil behavior important. Not having a portal to the world kept most of us from knowing just how many levels of human scum there actually are and their names we would never know. 

With the onset of the internet, people can shout and scream about things they barely have scant knowledge of from sources with zero credibility and they can spew that ignorance to other people who they do not know and never will making the entire exercise of social media one of the most embarrassing wastes of time for all who participate including, by the way, me and this blog post.         

It was something, maybe a moment surrounded by a bad mistake I'd made, an epiphany, it was forty some odd years ago maybe during one of those rare unmedicated weekends that I discovered at least half of all people in this world actually suck. We didn't have headlines to inflame the rhetoric written by fake journalists or internet mobs. Anarchy and rioting only happened in 3rd world countries and would never have been tolerated even by a liberal political party here in the US. That's all changed now and there is no shame for those taking part in it here.   

I began this blog sometime after finding out that my father who I had only met a couple of times decades ago, had passed away. To this day after much research, I still do not know where he was laid to rest nor do I know the names of my half brothers and sisters that I would love to meet one day. But the information in cases like this often results in the same never-ending circles leading back to where I started. My intention was to give someone who is important to me but clearly doesn't realize it, a way to know more about me in the event of my passing than I know about my own father. While the exercise may well fall short of my goal, it's here just in case and I sure wish I had a way like this to "get to know," who my father was, the things he thought about and were important to him, just some stuff like that. 

One thing I DO know about my father and it's ironic I suppose is that he was a no-nonsense kind of guy. According to some of his shipmates on the USS Coral Sea where he served the country in Vietnam, he had a giant heart of gold, was the greatest friend, and would seriously get on your ass for being or doing something stupid that got you in a jam. He did not suffer fools well and when his crew on the ship got into trouble he would back them up to ten thousand percent, then take them aside and ream them out if they deserved it. One said you didn't want to get on his bad side.. Point is, my father would not have tolerated this newfound internet life most people fill their time with today. This all sounds very familiar to me and we could have had some pretty lively talks about it had we spent time together before he passed. But we'll see each other again one day and maybe we'll talk then. But I digress..        

I've deleted Twitter, stopped posting on Instagram, and the last to go is going to be Facebook where I have 5,000 "friends," and don't actually know even 1 of them. The back and forths some time ago on FB forced me into realizing even the people I had actually met and knew personally, I really didn't know much about at all.  I think there is such a thing as knowing too much about someone because the more I saw the more disappointed I became. So I deleted about 900 names on my FB "friend," list, then repopulated the list with those with similar interests only in photography, art, and the visual stuff that used to keep me upbeat and looking forward to brighter days before my mom passed away in November. I thought I could trick myself into finding those passions again that I used to have and maybe even find a new one but it hasn't really happened like that and Facebook will be the next and final "un-sociable media," platform to go when I'm certain my connection to other people in general just isn't in the cards for me. 

The quality of people's character cannot be assessed from a computer screen or the internet, and the likelihood of me ending up annoyed or pissed off increases exponentially with whatever time I spend on one. My conclusion is that in order to regain any meaningful connection to people in general, I'm going to have to find a way to go way back in time when folks actually met and knew each other on a personal level without a cell phone or constant connection to the internet. My definition of a friend comes from a time before the internet was ever thought about and the fact I can count my real friends on one hand assures me that those old traditional character requirements are still in place exactly where they should be. I'm in a place now where mistakes hardly even get close and I can attribute that to the fine art limiting my exposure to folks in general and realizing just how extremely short life actually is not wanting to waste any more of my time. 

There are some good people out there I'm certain there are, just as I am certain the longer one spends on the internet the less likely they are to find them.. My preference is to be completely alone instead of having thousands of fake friends on a computer and to just forge ahead to "be right and to do right," as mom told me just before she went to heaven. 

So the "long goodbye" that has been in progress since November 16, 2019, continues and if by chance the 3 or 4 actual friends I do have remain till the very end, I will consider myself to be the lucky one. And for those who won't be there till the end, I'm even luckier still by your absence.

May God keep his hand on your shoulder and guide you through your journey.

Warsh your hands.

Wear a mask.                

the old man across the street

Justin Bieber is worth 265 million dollars. Queen Elizabeth is married to her cousin and has been for 70 years. America has endured its first attempted coupe of an elected president. Kanye West writes a blistering song about gold diggers then marries Kim Kardashian. School superintendents fight for the right of boys to follow girls into the bathrooms at school. Cher believes her daughter is her son.   Our grandparents and great grandparents living in nursing homes are taken from us by a virus forced on them by those entrusted to protect them, and us. Hate and violence, rioting, looting, and arson are now an acceptable form of "peaceful protesting," and defending the rule of law and order is now"racist." As America learns what happened in the weeks and months prior to our last presidential election, a member of the most corrupt administration this country has ever seen, a man who doesn't know his sister from his wife, is now running for president.

        

A pandemic has enveloped the world and changed the lives of every human being on earth but only black lives matter. Religion and guns are bad but bad people are victims. White is racist, words are racist, civility and law-abiding behavior are racist, corporations who don't hire and promote one race over another is now racist, history and statues are racist, an opposing viewpoint is racist, to express an opposing viewpoint is unthinkable and will not be tolerated, this post must now be racist, the American flag is racist and standing for the national anthem is abhorrent and racist, anything and everything that anyone finds offensive is racist, America itself, it's ideals and values and unlimited possibilities for all that most of the world can only dream about, all racist. We hold all these things to be true because those who are actually racist who are actively involved in tearing America down are demanding we believe in their lunacy diatribes or they will beat you to death with clubs or fists, throw human feces in your face, ransack and burn down your business or home and destroy your life. While the entire world watches in disbelief that this could even happen in America, the one beacon of hope for everyone on earth can be taken to its knees by a radicalized Marxist mob lead by democrats who are about to take power over every word you are allowed to speak, every thought you are allowed to think, your money, your business, and your future. 

Cities have fallen, states, people who you would never think could ever fall for anarchy in our streets at the hands of vermin who are beyond reach are kneeling before the mobs literally. Law enforcement, police chiefs, mayors, the military, some of your friends, and family members, those who grew up in an imperfect but God-fearing beautiful country have devolved into supporting a radicalized socialist ideology that in 3 short months is going to rule their lives.

And the old man across the street hangs his head in shame and disgust after living long enough to have lost some of his physical abilities and had to watch as some of the most precious loves of his life pass away, and now his country is dying too.

There appears to be just one man and a very few others mostly silenced and in fear standing between the greatest country in the world despite its flaws, and the full-blown hell of socialism.  That man has been paid for trying to stave off where we are headed while being crucified for his awkward audacity to put America and Americans in the crosshairs of prosperity, justice, and opportunity for all. 

My belief is that God has a plan for everyone and everything. There are no coincidences and luck is that which comes from following his plan, and not yours. The losses the old man across the street has suffered have brought him to this place where he can't do all the things he used to do but he can still try each day he is still here to find a reason to smile and maybe find something to look forward to. He would tell you those brighter tomorrows are still possible even when faced with hardship and heartache beyond measure but not for those who have a hand in evil. 

The use of hatred to fight perceived hate is just more hate and all life matters isn't a political statement or a slogan used and painted on streets to appease a domestic terrorist organization. The old man across the street tells me God's plan cannot be fulfilled for any of us while we are willingly consuming the hatred being shoved down our throats every day by those whose entire purpose is to foment that which is taking this society to a very dark place. He tells me to turn it off, log out, get it off your phone, don't watch the imagery on television, and refuse to buy into what you know to be political posturing to regain control of the lives and freedoms of 340 million of you and your money for power.

I've taken some of the old man's advice and still working on other parts. I took Twitter off my phone and stopped watching the news altogether. Went into Facebook and deleted everyone I actually knew from the "friend," list and re-populated that list only with people from the arts and photography world the old man said would probably be more satisfying and less stressful than all the group thinker back and forths until I get the point where I can delete all the ills of social media entirely. It's better now and I highly recommend the exercise of getting as far away from the ills of social media as possible. The old man is teaching me that spending less time wasted adds up in the end and the end comes soon enough-

the old man across the street 

why old people cry

Sunday, May 10, 2020

my mind has had me going in all sorts of directions today. Overnight I had a very vivid dream of a time I worked in television on a story with a very well known guy and the producer was questioning me about my day rates while the famous guy was at his desk within ear-shot getting his things together. It was never a good sign when a network underling would bring up the subject of how much you would be charging on the day OF the shoot. All those details are set in stone by unions and well known ahead of time so I was getting annoyed. I ended up having to explain a few things I never should of had to and by the time I was finished everyone in the office overhearing this nonsense was visibly uneasy except for the famous guy who knew me very well and had this satisfying smirk on his face like, you tell em' zuke.. Then I woke up at the crack of noon.and was reminded by my phone, my laptop, and my desktop that today was Mother's Day as if I had to be reminded my first "Mother's Day," since mom went to heaven.

For the past 2 or 3 years now I had designated every Sunday as Mother's Day where I would come over and we would cook lunch and maybe go for a drive for her to see how much the city had changed. We would watch some TV, talk about some politics and the stock markets, and what all I had scheduled for work in the coming week and just generally fix all the problems of the world and scoff at those screwing it up. So today's harsh reminders that it was Mother's Day after losing my mom just a few months ago only served to re-enforce what I already knew, there is no place in this society and no solace in this world for motherless sons and daughters.

My decision some time ago to make all Sundays a special day for us would turn out to be a godsend in a way for me as all the lucky ones who still have their moms got to celebrate while I was blessed with just having another sad day like all the ones since my mom left this world. No better and no worse than all the others, just another one.

I had a couple moments earlier but got through em OK and it reminded me of when my Gran used to tear up and cry at the end of a visit when it was time to go home. I didn't understand it then but I think I do now. My mom and I cried together several times near the end and it felt much the same as when her mom would cry and it had all come full circle with us. I know now why we cry sometimes when we get older and it isn't just a sad thing to see, it's also a very loving expression one reserves just for those loved the most who the elder fears they may never see again on this earth. 

A lot of cruel things happen to us when we get old but perhaps the cruelest of them all is not being ready for the end and being totally aware when it's near. My mom knew and her mom knew before their time here on earth had come to an end and those tears were the only way they had left to tell you how much they will miss touching your face and feeling the warmth of that hug and hearing your voice just one more time. 

When older people cry it's a very tough thing to see because down deep we know what it means. The love and the fear one feels when you get older is far more intense than it once was and it is to be embraced and given it's due on the spot when it presents itself. My mom would tell me for days before she left this earth that she was dying and I wasn't having any of it even though I could see we weren't getting any better. And just as I thought all my emotions had been spent here would come another intense wave and I would whale like a wounded animal whenever I managed to get to out of earshot of everyone.   Crying when we get old is that thing our mind makes us do when we can no longer express everything we feel with words.

Most older people have already given everything they have ever had to others by the time they leave this world and crying with me near the end was us sharing the massive loss that was to come. Mom worried about what would happen to me without her here because she knew she was my entire world. I told her I would be OK and not to worry but I was never good at lying and she worried.

If you live long enough you will see your families grow up and move away, friends will die, faces and memories will fade and loneliness and heartache may be your only companion. When you see an older person cry it may be for you like it probably was for my mom. Whatever it's about it needs to be held and comforted and touched and made easier.

God knows that I feel like if I never take another breath of air on this earth that I have experienced the greatest unconditional love a human being can know by my mom who was always my everything. Mother's day is every day for me now.

Mom, please continue to guide me through this time with your light and God keep your hand on my shoulder to let me know you're there taking care of your sweetest angel.