lunch for one

Went to a meeting yesterday to sign some paperwork and at some point as it always seems to do, the grieving process is brought up and all the how are you doing with that and so on. One of the pieces of advice I received was that I need to try to think about something else at those times when I start to get sentimental and feel weepy-eyed. That those times when I get that way is a choice and I can choose not to get that way or I can give in to it. It sounded interesting to me and it is one thing I haven't tried to do so let me think about that and I went on about my business.

It was almost lunchtime and that just means I was hungry, so I stopped into a sandwich place I've always gone to and went up to the counter and had to consciously order lunch for one. The sad reality was hitting me that for the past many years I have never just ordered for one and then I remembered, think of something else, realize that this is your new world now and just get your lunch and go. Well, that only seemed to work for a minute or so and getting in the car to go home it was, which home do I go to, and then it was just seven weeks ago my mom wasn't able to eat and here I was eating and here we go again-

There are a lot of people out there who aren't prepared even a little bit for what happens when you lose a giant part of your life and I'm not sure you can help them get that way ahead of time. It's a process you have to go through in order to figure out how to handle it. One thing I'm learning is that lots of people care about how you are but not many understand how complex the answer is at any given moment you're asked. There is the loss of the person who is huge in your life and that does its own damage, then there are the many secondary losses I'll call them, like for me ordering something to eat for just one to take home when I would have always ordered something for mom too. Going to the grocery store and walking down isles where her favorite things sit there on shelves screaming in my direction daring me not to look at them and be sad- Last night I was doing alright I thought and looked in the pantry for some crackers and there they were in that special way she would close the package and knowing her hands had put them there well..  The memories of the little things are all over the place and they just keep hitting me in the face and then someone will call or email asking, so how are you these days, you doing any better? 

There are the big battles everyone recognizes and there are the many smaller battles that go unseen and unfelt by those who wish you were doing better. I think it could be helpful to be able to redirect the mind sometimes and I think I'm already doing that without realizing it a hundred times a day or I'd be unable to function. This coming Saturday will be two months since mom was called home. Then her birthday on the fifteenth where she would have been 93. Then all the other reminders and there seems to be no lasting relief and no satisfying answer to those who want to know if things are getting better at all.