Now it's six am and I've just been sitting here tv off and mind running from this place to another and listening to music on the computer that has taken me to all the places I've been, some I never wanted to be, and some I used to think I wanted to go and now probably don't. Thought I would close my eyes and sleep a little but the sound of the clocks in here fuel thoughts about time and what I'm going to do with what I have left. No answers have come but I'm hopeful maybe soon.
Today is Sunday and I'd like to go to church but the ordeal of going into a church by myself where people who mean well will ascend on me when all I really want to do is find a place to sit and listen and feel and do it all alone. I'm used to hiding behind my cameras whenever I would go out and now I have hidden those blinders in a packed case where I don't see them and I'm not reminded of lost passions. I'd like to get this mop of seventies hair cut off my head soon as I look like I live under a bridge but there is always that awkward time in the chair when the conversation involves asking me how or what I've been doing lately so I don't go and the mess on and in my head keeps growing.
This week mom would have been ninety-three and so there's that. I'm hungry again so I think I'll heat up some waffles and put on too much syrup and try to get them down before they get cold. The washer drain that goes outside at the other house is clogged so if I can stay awake today maybe I'll get to that and pack up some more things. I've been tossing around the idea of selling that house and just living here at moms. It's weird but I can't leave this house (mom's) sitting here without me in it at night. Feels like I need to be here to protect what is left of mom's memories here and that this is where she would want me to be. While I can't go in her bedroom for more than a few seconds it remains exactly how it was and it breaks my heart just to look in there when passing down the hall. Maybe one day it won't affect me that way, maybe it always will I don't know.
*** That up there was written very early this morning and I've been working in the house all day shredding old unneeded paperwork (my mom kept EVERYthing from so many years ago) and trying to organize two households. I came to realize that to stay in this perpetual state of despair and sadness would not be how mom would have wanted me to live and I'm not sure how much longer I could live this way so I need to get on with changing how I'm dealing with all of this as soon as possible. So I've been working on that today and I'll see if I can't continue on this road repair till I get someplace I can be proud of again.
What lead me to this post was looking back on Gregg Allman's music and lyrics throughout my life and how I think I can say that my mom if she's listening to my thoughts like I think she is, Mom will know Gregg already and will be reminded of me listening to him sing about familiar times of my life from heaven.
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLbnWr1-Qsc
Well, I've got to run to keep from hiding,
And I'm bound to keep on riding.
And I've got one more silver dollar,
But I'm not gonna let them catch me, no,
Not gonna let 'em catch the Midnight Rider.
Not gonna let 'em catch the Midnight Rider.
And I don't own the clothes I'm wearing,
And the road goes on forever,
And I've got one more silver dollar,
And the road goes on forever,
And I've got one more silver dollar,
But I'm not gonna let them catch me, no
Not gonna let 'em catch the Midnight Rider.
Not gonna let 'em catch the Midnight Rider.
And I've gone by the point of caring,
Some old bed I'll soon be sharing,
And I've got one more silver dollar,
Some old bed I'll soon be sharing,
And I've got one more silver dollar,
But I'm not gonna let 'em catch me, no
Not gonna let them catch the Midnight Rider.
Not gonna let them catch the Midnight Rider.
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