God Will Take Care of You now.

You should probably tend to your health care needs long before you reach the age where being attracted to women half your age is considered weird but I didn't.. If after decades of health care neglect you aren't afflicted with some horrific issues, then the health insurance nightmare you've avoided all this time is going to make you sick. What a nightmare. Referrals, approvals, reference numbers for approvals, faxes, appointments, will take weeks even for something extremely serious. Dozens of exasperating phone calls, being forced to listen on hold to music that produces mindnumbing migraines to get transferred to who you should have been talking to in the first place and then the deductibles and the costs and the paperwork and if you weren't REALLY sick before, you are by the time you actually see a doctor. Today I begin to take care of some health issues I wish I had taken care of a long time ago and didn't for a variety of reasons not having much to do with me. I'm a bit apprehensive about it all but I know I've had to face some of the worst fears of my life lately and so I should be able to handle this.

Nothing interesting got done yesterday other than staying on the phone to get today setup. Being awake at 3am and thinking too much has become a daily ritual as I just can't sleep much anymore.

By now mom would have been asking me if we should take the little Christmas tree light down and put it away. I would always leave it out long past Christmas because I like seeing it there all lit up and she did too. It's going on eight weeks this Saturday since mom passed away and I miss her more every single day. I'm still having those partial moments almost daily when my mind tells me to call her to talk about something then reeling back quickly to the sad reality that I can't.

Six decades of this life and I've never gone more than a day without hearing her sweet voice. I have so many audio recordings and voice mails of her talking to me and I can't bear to even think about listening to any of them right now it's just way too raw and soon. I want to hear her voice so terribly bad but I know it will break me apart. Some day..

Mom's glass with melted ice and little baby spoon is still in the fridge with a small amount of water in it from the last time I was able to feed her some ice chips. Every time I open the refrigerator I see that glass with the spoon in it and I remember. It's too heartbreaking to remove it and I hate seeing the water in it evaporate little by little each day. I wish everyone could have known my mom. She had more love for everyone and everything than anyone I will ever know. My heart physically aches and I miss her.

God will take care of you now and I will see you again one day and it will be the happiest day of my life.