Sombody's callin' your name..

When I’m gone I want just one someone and it doesn’t matter who, please stop for 4 minutes and 11 seconds to play this song “Seven Turns,” by the Allman Brothers Band just for me that I related so much to in my long and very un-relatable life. Dickey Betts singing these lyrics that turned my emotions loose to feel what nothing else could. When Gregg joins in at 2:47 with his unmistakable southern voice “somebody’s calling your name,” it was as if he was speaking just to me.

Some tough health news for me this week has had me listening to my favorite music while knowing this life that is in God’s hands has been all over the map with the best and the worst often happening at the same time. No longer confused and without any questions or complaints, God has been very good to me even during times I felt I didn’t deserve it. He thought I deserved it and I’m grateful and often sad that there is no one to share with anymore. I always just wanted to be left to be who I was and not be ostracized or isolated by people around me. That wasn’t how it was to be and God knew that I would struggle and oh how I did. No more questions from me about why this or how that in this life for me, it was always in his plan. 

In my teenage years music was often my only companion and the lyrics to the songs of my life were most often expressed by The Allman Brothers Band and Gregg himself as he sang about his own life of being on the run and bump and go loves that never seemed to go anywhere until the very end of his life. The eagles Desperado is another one of my favorites seemingly written in words that described my own experiences that I would like to listen to when my time is near. 

Since I was a little kid I couldn’t relate much to other people be they family or neighbors or school mates and I’ve never even to this day understood why. But what I do understand is what took me through those times back so long ago still get me through my days as an old man and I am eternally grateful God gave that music to the world but specifically to me. The one’s who comforted me when nothing else would and those who sang the turbulence of my life then and now are mostly all gone now but their music remains where I can reach it when I need it. 

When God decides my time is up here and there’s just one more turn on the highway for me to take, I’m as ready as I can be. I’ll be seeing my family members who were the staples of my time even though at the time I often didn’t quite know how meaningful they would be, I cannot wait to see them again. Knowing I will be seeing my mom again comforts me now like a hug I can no longer get and a voice I ache to hear.   

I highly recommend everyone who runs across this that you live as much life every day as you can because one day you may find the sounds of your clock ticking away and your plans whatever they may have been be cut short. Don’t waste one of your Seven Turns, there may not be another one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqxywPYRCbI

Seven turns on the highway,

Seven rivers to cross.

Sometimes, you feel like you could fly away,

Sometimes, you get lost.

And sometimes, in the darkened night,

You see the crossroad sign.

One way is the mornin' light,

You got to make up your mind.

Somebody's callin' your name.

Somebody's waiting for you.

Love is all that remains the same,

That's what it's all comin' to.

Hey, yeah.

Runnin' wild out on the road,

Just like a leaf on the wind.

How in the world could you ever know,

We'd ever meet again?

Seven turns on the highway,

Seven rivers to cross.

Sometimes, you feel like you could fly away,

Sometimes, you get lost.

Somebody's callin' your name.

Somebody's waitin' for you.

Love is all that remains the same,

That's what it's all comin' to.

Somebody's callin' your name.

Somebody's waitin' for you.

Love is all that remains the same,

That's what it's all comin to.

Somebody's callin' your name.

Somebody's waitin' for you.

Somebody's callin' your name.

That's what it's all coming to.

tomorrow

105 times I've sat here in the darkness and silence of another night to write down my deepest thoughts that my soul kept hidden beneath all my efforts to pretend everything was alright. There are no appointments to keep and no calls to return. I could pass away while writing this and it could be weeks to months before anyone would know. 

I made a promise to my mom before she passed away that I would find a way to go on and try as best I could to be some form of OK. It feels as though I may be failing to live up to that promise and it deepens my sadness knowing she is watching me not doing well from above. 

Tonight I watched a video of a son and a father building a playhouse for the son's kids and I thought of my own father who I only met once and every time this 38 year old son called his father Dad it was like a dagger in my gut knowing that I will never know what that is like. Then a text msg about an old man I had met at the cemetary who was so kind to me and took care of my mom's gravesite, he passed away today suddenly. 

I mowed the yard today, did some laundry, and spent some time at my mom's house where I have left everything just as it was the night she passed away in 2019. What to do with two houses while one of them is way more house than I actually need. 

I've retired early and have lost every passion I've ever had. All my cameras sit gathering dust and I have no desire even to pick one up. Gave one camera body to a stranger I had never even met just because she said she needed one and I have so many just sitting here.  

Tomorrow will be here soon and I'm hoping something will bring me out of this mood. Mom always told me that the best thing you can do when you feel like this is to go out and do something for someone else. Mom was so kind and so sweet and giving and I miss her more every day. Even while mom knew her time was near and in her toughest hours when she would look at the sadness and fear in my face, she would hold my hand and tell me in her soft whisper voice that she had left, it will be better tomorrow, don't worry. She isn't hurting anymore and her place with God was well earned. She gave me everything I need to find my way back to her when it's my turn to leave this world and I believe we will see each other again. I am as ready as I can be.

unclaimed freight

The family is there and taking a lifetime of things out of an elderly woman's house across the street. Mrs. J lived here long before me and not that long ago could be seen walking her chubby dog down the street every day and on weekends driving her shiny red car to get it washed and all waxed up. Today I can just see the hood of that car inside the garage all dusty and dirty. The dog died a couple years back and Mr. J passed away too, now Mrs. J has fallen and broken her hip and can no longer live here on her own. "How is Mrs. J I ask her daughter, oh she's OK we have her in a memory care long-term care facility. We're having to collect and sell her things and house to pay the facility it's expensive.." 

Mrs. J loved that fat dog and that shiny red car and I liked seeing her here and going about her life taking care of herself and her husband who would fall from time to time getting out of the car and would call me for help getting him to his feet in the garage. 

I can only imagine how horrific it must be for this woman who has lived almost a century and took care of so many to end up this way unable to live in her own home on her own. Perhaps this is why God gives so many of us memory problems when we get to this stage so we can more easily let go of some of those memories. "When can I go home," Mrs. J asks her daughter who has to tell her mother "this is your home now mom," and then suffer the gut-wrenching acceptance as her mom just says "OK.." But it is? 

As I sit here living my life of solitude I can't help but think about what will become of me at this stage? If you have chosen to live your life alone and get to be my age, you have to prepare whatever that means to you and still, you will wonder even worry, what it will be like to have no one you have ever known in your entire life to comfort you, hold you, or even visit with in our greatest emotional need when we cannot fend for ourselves.  

With no one around, I am left to have these conversations with myself quietly and with much fear and regret that I allowed things to get this way. My thoughts have gone from what will become of me and my things, to getting rid of things as fast as I can before I get to a point where it's all left to someone who was never around to know what I might want or care about when I would have been able to tell them. But I did this and it is what it is. 

Across the street is a glimpse of the reality that is in store for a lot of us at this stage when we will ache for warmth and care and concern but are left with only the stone-cold, horrifying, and all too real. 

Watching this through my dining room window I've shed a few tears that may well be not only for Mrs. J and what is happening to her but if I'm to be completely honest for me as well as I get an up-close preview of my own future.

There is a moral to this real-life story and it is this, do not think that you will somehow avoid paying a heavy price for pushing people out of your life over the years no matter what the cause or reasons you have convinced yourself are warranted and they may well be. I have thanked God for the blessings of being able to be with my mom when she needed me all the way to her last breath. As I have been having to go through her things on my own I've found it to be an emotional death and yet cathartic all at the same time because this is how she wanted it to be with me doing this because I was the only one who knew her wishes and would handle everything exactly how she wanted.  

A year and 6 months it's been since mom passed away and I'm still not finished sorting through her things but the people across the street did everything in just a few days. Not sure what to make of that and I'm certain if they knew I was over here writing about it they wouldn't know what to make of this either. 

These conversations I have with myself do serve a purpose for me personally as the time I take writing keeps me from an emotional breakdown when I feel it coming on and I could use a few less of those to be sure. If these words are stumbled upon by someone else in a similar situation I will leave you with this. Get your own things in order now before grief and sadness make the job that much tougher to do. Purge that which you have just piled up and give special things to those you want to have them while you are still here. Make a Will and spell it all out so that when that time comes that you can't speak for yourself, it won't fall to those already hurting from the loss if there are those people in your life, to sort through your things and have questions you aren't here to answer. Or worse it falls to someone who was never there in the first place and doesn't even know anything about you.   

Grief is still present and ready to stop me from getting on with some sort of life. Tonight I sat for at least a couple of hours in mom's house with the lights and tv off and the only sign of life that broke the silence was the sound of the clocks reminding me how fast time goes. 

It's 4am now and I'm without sleep. I have to get up in just a few short hours and for no other reason than to check to make sure I'm still alive. 

Searching for peace.

 

16.2 miles

This past week, a few new realities have turned what is left of this life into something I am having difficulty wanting to pursue.  

With most whom I knew to be family either in serious life-threatening health conditions or who have already passed away, my image of the future has been reduced to a landscape where life as I've known it is unsustainable. 

Last week I managed to walk 16.2 miles for exercise, a milestone for someone who has avoided traditional exercise outside of working for most of my years. Don't know if any of it helps but it does give me something to do to keep from dwelling on the things my mind insists on going back to. 

Although I didn't need the reminder, some news the past few days tapped me on the shoulder as if I had been asleep and hadn't noticed that life is so very short and impossible to predict. That any minute can be our last and that what life was like yesterday might have been the last day it seemed worthwhile. Two more people I'm close to are struggling with serious health issues. 

We have funerals for people who we love who pass away yet there is no formal service for those who are still living and who simply choose to step out of our lives. Each day on my walks I have wondered what would happen if I were to have a heart attack or stroke and someone felt the need to call someone who may want to know. But there really doesn't feel like there is anyone.

Recently when I was filling out forms for new insurance there was a space to fill in for who to notify in case of emergency and it was another stark reminder that it's just me now so I wrote, God. There is no one left who might call and get no answer and wonder where I was or how I was doing. No job that would be concerned that one of the most reliable people who ever worked for them just didn't show up and didn't call. 

This is where I would usually say it's kind of sad, but it is what it is, but no, it is in fact, pretty sad to have lived six decades and find myself where there isn't anyone left to be notified if I were gravely ill or dead in the street. This is what life is like with true peace and quiet but without the peace.

So here's to all who find themselves in the 4th quarter of life where you seek peace and calm only to find quiet and regret. There are likely millions in this same place and it doesn't take a lot of effort or time to be that one person someone needs to make them feel they are not forgotten, and cared for and that they exist beyond the silence that surrounds them. 

Think I'll go for a walk.. 

the theory of my relativity

It's taken a year to get down to business with re-writing my "final copy," of my previously re-written some dozen times or so Will. You want to do this while you can still remember and categorize the people that were in your life while you were here and those who weren't.. If you fail to get this done when you are alive, the state will do it for you when you're dead without any knowledge of what your preferences might have been. 

My unique and mostly solitary lifestyle never seemed as odd to me as it did to others throughout my years and while there were a few folks around from time to time all of them would eventually walk away. I was married at 17, a parent at 18, and with a knock at my door from a process server and my wife and son 10 feet away, I was to be divorced at 21. 

A ton of life some good and a lot bad between those years and these yet here I am now some 40 plus years later having learned some great lessons and suffered some hellish consequences all self-inflicted. Throughout all these years I've spent a lot of time analyzing why it all happened and how I managed to do rather well despite my attempts to de-rail my own efforts. Divine intervention and guidance are all I can figure out. 

Friends, jobs, relationships, hazy times some fun and others life-threatening, all of these things would have one consistent dynamic that I learned most of my life lessons from that I still tap into today and it was this, no matter what I received from or gave to an experience, they all had a clock if you will, a time span, and that clock would run out leaving me alone to figure it all out. 

Having basically quit high school in the 10th grade only to come back a couple days a week to the classes my cute little blonde girlfriend was in, I wasn't expected to accomplish much. I learned to lean on my refusal to take no for an answer and a strong determination to show all those who walked away from me that I would somehow find a way to make it on my own and I have to say I did pretty damn well in the end. 

But while enormous success in some areas is something I'm proud of, not all the parts of my life can I look back on without regrets. There is far more to life than working and investing and being able to retire early and those other things I wasn't so good at hold a lot of my regrets today. While trying to make an effort not to constantly beat myself up over things I fell short on, it's really easy to feel like that is exactly what I should be doing. 

All these dots get connected in a weird way when writing and re-writing a will and that precipitated this blog/rant. Am I being fair, is this enough, should I include so in so, etc. What it comes down to for me is sorting out who refused to walk away from me and my life despite the circumstances, AND, who walked or ran and don't know or care if I'm alive at this minute or already dead and I know everyone's names.. Maybe others have dozens of people who stuck by them no matter what over the course of a lifetime but for me, I have only 2 or 3 and feel damn grateful to have even just those. Feeling blessed.    

Writing a will for me was an exercise in remembering those who made a difference who may not even know that they did and those who ended up a waste of my time and energy. My mom was the only human being who never for one second ever left my side even when I wasn't deserving of her. I had some low points as most of us who have lived much do and I know I disappointed her in some of the decisions I made before I grew up but she forgave me instantly and without judgment or condition and was proud of me as I grew up and learned my lessons and now I can die a very satisfied old man knowing my angel thought I was a better son than I gave myself credit for. 

What I have in the Will is going to all the right places and hopefully will make God and my mom feel good about the decisions. Mom loved animals and kids and the friends who stood by me when they didn't have to and she would hear all about it from me when the people I thought I knew turned out to be something else. So the right people and places will benefit from what I was able to pile up from some of my best decisions and I feel very confident mom is smiling about it. 

My advice to others is to purge some of your accumulated stuff from your life so others won't have to do it not knowing where you might have wanted things to go and get that Will written, updated, and filed with the state before it's too late and then the state distributes things for you.. 

sorry, OFF LIMITS

my days now are limited to just a few things and most of those can be put off for weeks with no effect. A bizarre turnaround for a guy who was always checking the calendar to know what time to set the alarm and where I had to be the next day. Not officially retired but the virus and my health have made it less likely that I'll need to set that alarm anytime soon or maybe even ever again. 

Only a couple things come to mind most days now and most of them are "off-limits," to talk or share with anyone even if there was someone. The rest are things I feel may be too much of a pipe dream all things considered and not knowing how much time I'm going to have to get anything done. "Is it even worth it anymore," is a running theme in my head at least a half dozen times a day.

Writing is my way of breaking the silence that surrounds me but the triggers of memories can be a bit too much. No longer can I sit and listen to the clocks ticking and not realize that this as peaceful as it is, feels like it's killing me inside. Having pushed family and friends away for all these years and most with good reason I will say, the silence and the clocks ticking in the background is all that's left now.

Peace and quiet are what I always enjoyed until it was all there was. "Should I remodel one house, sell it and move into the other," it all seems so pointless now. The batteries to my cameras dying unused and sitting around doing nothing are like this old man who has lost his passions. I have more of everything I could ever want except for someone to share them with if even through conversation. Odd how life can end up like that but then this ending was really no accident.

Having always had strict standards for the type of people I would include in and around my life left me with only one person and I miss her more than I have words for. My friend, my mentor, my reason for anything good I have ever done, my mom. I knew it was going to be hard when she would go to heaven but I did not know it would be quite like this. 

So I write to no one about everything. There are no arguments or interruptions and no having to listen to someone who hasn't lived my life trying to "fix," it all for me instead of just listening. It's just the clocks and the silence and the prayers that God keep his arms wrapped around me and all those in need even the ones for good reason or bad, that I pushed and kept away, I pray for you too. Everything is going to work out in the end but in the meantime, man..         

the Crucifixion of Donald John Trump

This day was no different than any other since before Trump even got into office. All the sorted details of what has happened since is pointless to go through. Even Jesus Christ was crucified only once while Trump has been crucified every day for over four years and interestingly enough, by similar elitist foes and for much the same reasons of those in power feeling threatened by the masses who supported him.

Trump's crimes in no particular order were to turn the system on its head exposing career politicians for their ineptitude and unwillingness to do what they were hired to do which is working for you. In the span of one or two years Trump's policies and his cutting red tape roadblocks through deregulations set historic records of employment for the most underemployed segments of America all while being skewered on an hourly basis by an unhinged political party using fake bought and paid for stories like russian collusion and porn star rendezvous and whatever else they could buy and throw at the wall. 

What we have learned from all of this should frighten every American who is or ever was a student of history. The lessons again in no particular order and regardless of your political affiliation are that Republicans are weak spineless cowards and democrats are epic warriors who will fight to the death with a take no prisoner mindset at any cost including sacrificing rule of law and the constitution. Opposing a career politician and exposing them for the thieves they have been for decades will get you and those who dare to support you destroyed while calling for unity. 

Communist China has to be jealous of what the elite class in America is doing to YOU, through Donald Trump. Punishment for dissent is something marxist and communist countries have had an exclusive on until now. Imagine the private conversations of dictators going on at this very moment watching what power and control are being used for in America today. 

Hard times the likes of which you have never considered touching your lives inside America are on top of us right now. And not just for those appalled at what is happening, but also for those who aren't yet connecting the effect these people are going to have on their lives as well. When a vindictive and seething vile political party is in complete control of your life and the well being of anyone who dares to oppose them, you have a China clone, Venezuela, Greece, North Korea. None of these dictatorships could have ever imagined the beacon of light in this world America, could fall like this. 

There can never be another America on this earth. The founding fathers of this republic are rolling over in their graves at all the work they did penning the constitution and bill of rights to provide protections against this very scenario we find ourselves in. Our borders are about to be wide open again and the caravans of the 3rd world with disease and criminals and coronavirus in tow are building as I speak. The cost of living in America for those who are citizens is about to skyrocket beyond reach for the very people Trump put first as eleven million or more illegal aliens are made citizens to take the jobs and welfare and social security that is already headed for bankruptcy. The freedom to oppose this calamity on top of us is now redefined from common sense to racism, hate speech, and xenophobia so your freedom of speech can be taken and punishment is administered. Everything good about this republic is under attack and half of this society is completely unaware of the effect it will have on them, their kids, and their futures. It's the "orange man bad" syndrome where all evil and hardship is piled onto the one man everyone is allowed to hate.  

It's painful to say you were warned but you were. And for me personally, I will say with zero regrets, to those who celebrate this demise of America through the orange man bad syndrome, and voted for it for whatever reason including you may just have not understood the consequences, you deserve every anguishing moment you go through once you realize the damage that has been done. 

What comes around goes around and sooner or later, the mobs of the self-righteous with all their power and control are going to finish with some and be coming for YOU. 

Sleep well while you can my friends.

peace at last

lessons, the ones you carry through your whole life, are the ones that cost you the most to learn.. That cost increases with time and like a tax you never stop paying it. Lessons involving the people you run across like the ones you now just arbitrarily mistrust, ignore, or push aside because you let one too many of the wrong ones get too close, that is a cost you can only quantify after you get older and look around and no one is there. 

The music you listen to, the laughter if you can muster, the crying you will do, the feelings you can't escape, the memories you can't forget, all of these things made easier to sort through when shared, you will now experience alone. 

I write about things that matter to me because these things have to have a place to go. The world that I'm seeing is not the one I had ever envisioned and while I'm still able, I write about it. I'm familiar and have been quite successful with traveling down unbeaten paths throughout my life, but this one, in my final quarter, is very dark and getting harder to walk.           

But God promises to walk these paths with me and I welcome the guidance like never before. Mom's final wish for me was to get closer to God so we would see each other again, it was her final wish for me from her heart that would soon give way to the arms that would pull her from mine and into heaven. I will keep the promise I made to her to try and find a way to live without her presence on earth and remembering that promise every day is all I can do. 

I ordered my headstone today that will be next to hers. It says, peace at last and my hope is that it will be.

the best things said come last

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve then Christmas will pass and a new year begins. That's pretty much my entire calendar by the looks of things. Was thinking about the year that is ending today while watching a youtube channel that I like and decided to put a few thoughts down. 

For an assortment of reasons this year has been a tough one for me and not all because of the virus that has claimed so much peace of mind. The loss of my mom hasn't gotten any easier and still claims a large part of my feeling of being lost. My health issues and mom not being here has me wondering how many years are left to do anything that may have helped me right this ship. 

A few people have been very kind to me this year and one or two still check in from time to time to see if I'm still alive while a few others one might expect would be checking in have instead just gone away. With people in general some things never change and with things, they always change. 

The works in progress are to get rid of excess stuff at both houses and perhaps sell one and move to the other. Looks to be a longer process than I needed it to be and doing it all myself adds weeks and months. Depression comes and goes and I feel thankful it hasn't just set in and taken me down and held me there, yet. I believe I have mom watching over me to make sure that doesn't happen. One more of many things to be thankful for the mom God blessed me with.  

Haven't worked in so long it feels like I've retired but without having actually done whatever it is you're supposed to do when you retire. From as far back as I can remember I used to say I would never stop working but the virus and other circumstances appear to have made that choice for me. 

So tomorrow night will be Christmas Eve and the movie It's a Wonderful Life will run. My mom and I always watched that together and this year I'll be watching it alone wadded up in a ball of self pity I'm guessing. But a lot of people are hurting this year and I can't help but feel like I've been so blessed in my life just having the mom I had that I have no right to complain. My hope for those who care and even those who don't is that you have someone to be with for Christmas and New Years and that you be healthy and that you have someone to love and feel loved in return. That's all anyone really needs and if you don't have those things, know that God is always there and you can reach out to him and never have to walk through this life alone. 

Merry Christmas and hopefully a Happier New Year..

my 2020 as a new, old man

2020 came and had me searching for a reason to want to live a life without the only human being who ever stood by me every minute of my life. Then the virus came and the work I used to keep my mind off the loss of my mom came to a halt. This was the year I signed up for Medicare reminding me that the life I've lived as short as it is, is even shorter now. There are sleepless nights and days filled with sadness and despair that have to be managed or they will consume me. Summer came and I learned I had not one, but two serious life-threatening health conditions.     

Not working has taken a mental toll that I wasn't ready for and I ended up selling my broadcast camera that ensures this no work thing won't just be temporary. The America I grew up in is now dead and socialism is in the fast lane of becoming a way of life. The low hanging fruit of small business that half of this country is employed by has been targeted by the democrat elites on the verge of controlling every word, every move, every thought anyone dares try to share. This isn't a script for a Twilight Zone episode, this is 2020. 

January 05, 2021, we will all know just how far this country is going to fall. If at the end of the day of the 5th of January the democrats get control of the Senate, the damage to this country that will ensue will take decades and many generations to recover from if recovery is even possible. On top of everything else that has taken place this year, to know we are that close to losing America for generations to come is impossible to digest. 

For those who have suffered enough already, for those who have lost loved ones that your life can never be the same without, and for those who for one reason or another cannot afford another loss of any kind, may God wrap his arms around you and protect you from further damage. It wouldn't hurt to say prayers for democrats to lose the runoff election races in Georgia on January 05 and for this sick and sad society that allowed us to be this close to the end of the greatest country the world desperately needs to survive. 

mwz