16.2 miles

This past week, a few new realities have turned what is left of this life into something I am having difficulty wanting to pursue.  

With most whom I knew to be family either in serious life-threatening health conditions or who have already passed away, my image of the future has been reduced to a landscape where life as I've known it is unsustainable. 

Last week I managed to walk 16.2 miles for exercise, a milestone for someone who has avoided traditional exercise outside of working for most of my years. Don't know if any of it helps but it does give me something to do to keep from dwelling on the things my mind insists on going back to. 

Although I didn't need the reminder, some news the past few days tapped me on the shoulder as if I had been asleep and hadn't noticed that life is so very short and impossible to predict. That any minute can be our last and that what life was like yesterday might have been the last day it seemed worthwhile. Two more people I'm close to are struggling with serious health issues. 

We have funerals for people who we love who pass away yet there is no formal service for those who are still living and who simply choose to step out of our lives. Each day on my walks I have wondered what would happen if I were to have a heart attack or stroke and someone felt the need to call someone who may want to know. But there really doesn't feel like there is anyone.

Recently when I was filling out forms for new insurance there was a space to fill in for who to notify in case of emergency and it was another stark reminder that it's just me now so I wrote, God. There is no one left who might call and get no answer and wonder where I was or how I was doing. No job that would be concerned that one of the most reliable people who ever worked for them just didn't show up and didn't call. 

This is where I would usually say it's kind of sad, but it is what it is, but no, it is in fact, pretty sad to have lived six decades and find myself where there isn't anyone left to be notified if I were gravely ill or dead in the street. This is what life is like with true peace and quiet but without the peace.

So here's to all who find themselves in the 4th quarter of life where you seek peace and calm only to find quiet and regret. There are likely millions in this same place and it doesn't take a lot of effort or time to be that one person someone needs to make them feel they are not forgotten, and cared for and that they exist beyond the silence that surrounds them. 

Think I'll go for a walk..