tomorrow

105 times I've sat here in the darkness and silence of another night to write down my deepest thoughts that my soul kept hidden beneath all my efforts to pretend everything was alright. There are no appointments to keep and no calls to return. I could pass away while writing this and it could be weeks to months before anyone would know. 

I made a promise to my mom before she passed away that I would find a way to go on and try as best I could to be some form of OK. It feels as though I may be failing to live up to that promise and it deepens my sadness knowing she is watching me not doing well from above. 

Tonight I watched a video of a son and a father building a playhouse for the son's kids and I thought of my own father who I only met once and every time this 38 year old son called his father Dad it was like a dagger in my gut knowing that I will never know what that is like. Then a text msg about an old man I had met at the cemetary who was so kind to me and took care of my mom's gravesite, he passed away today suddenly. 

I mowed the yard today, did some laundry, and spent some time at my mom's house where I have left everything just as it was the night she passed away in 2019. What to do with two houses while one of them is way more house than I actually need. 

I've retired early and have lost every passion I've ever had. All my cameras sit gathering dust and I have no desire even to pick one up. Gave one camera body to a stranger I had never even met just because she said she needed one and I have so many just sitting here.  

Tomorrow will be here soon and I'm hoping something will bring me out of this mood. Mom always told me that the best thing you can do when you feel like this is to go out and do something for someone else. Mom was so kind and so sweet and giving and I miss her more every day. Even while mom knew her time was near and in her toughest hours when she would look at the sadness and fear in my face, she would hold my hand and tell me in her soft whisper voice that she had left, it will be better tomorrow, don't worry. She isn't hurting anymore and her place with God was well earned. She gave me everything I need to find my way back to her when it's my turn to leave this world and I believe we will see each other again. I am as ready as I can be.