everything leads back to you

it sneaks up on me and pushes me to the floor. For no reason or some oddball trigger it just opens up and attacks. Today it's been 19 weeks since mom passed away. She didn't have to wade through all the worries over this virus stuff and I'm thankful for that. Like anything else, she would have worried about me more than herself but I've been thankful I didn't have to worry about taking something over to her that she couldn't have fought. Maybe that's a positive takeaway I'm not sure-

The realities of not having any more connection to the world I'm living in don't hit me every day but when they do they are just as strong as the first day I had to endure without her. The process of going through things slowed after a few weeks and now I just do a little bit every once in a while. It seems like the heaviness of the reality I face when I walk in her door will one day soon just stop my heart from beating.

 Sometimes I wonder if maybe I could have prepared myself better. But how does one prepare for the day when life will no longer feel worth living. It's not supposed to be like this I tell myself. Maybe one day it will just get better and I'll look back at the times I was sure it wouldn't and see how far I've come and how much stronger I feel. That day can't come soon enough and it very well may not.


I'd like to just make it through another day God willing. I mowed one of the yards today and will go get the other one if I can muscle the lawnmower into the suv. Maybe tomorrow I should go get a second mower and stop testing my back.

Lord lead me on with your hand on my shoulder and show me light where darkness resides. Amen.