the culture of fear

I don't remember what brought it on but a few days ago I was thinking about the subject of fear and the role it's played in my life especially for the past few years in relation to my mom's health before she passed away. In hindsight, I think fear played a significant role in my denial of what was happening. The depth of sadness I face now can also be directly attributed to the fear of losing her and that same fear kept me from accepting and dealing with what would become inevitable. 

There are countless quotes related to fear and they all seem particularly relevant to me. I've questioned if it was healthy for me in the past to look fear in the face and discount its value by shoving it aside like just another roadblock to getting around. In some cases less important to me today that reaction was one key to my success. In the case of the mortality of the single most important person ever in my life, I think fear needed to be given its due respect and dealt with when there was still time to make peace with it. 

In some of our talks, my mom and I went over the fear we both had that one day she wouldn't be here and I was always reluctant if not insistent we did not even go there. Now that she has gone I think perhaps maybe it would be easier in some ways if we had talked about it, cried about it, and sorted it out. The blame has to go to me for trying to bypass the pain of those conversations. My advice to others anywhere near this same level of meaning to their lives is not to avoid or ignore your greatest fears but to give them whatever level of respect they deserve and not one single level more than that and sort them out before it's too late and you're left sitting where I am today writing about not having done that. 

Ironically a dinner conversation came up recently where a friend/co-worker brought up the subject at the table of what everyone's greatest fears were. Since I had already experienced my greatest fear of losing my mom, my answer was a simple one, I no longer have any fear. The complicated background of being able to say that is just too personal and brings on far too much emotion for it to be appropriate in public. 

To be completely free of fear is not necessarily something you want to aspire to. For me, it was much easier to fear not having enough work to take my mind away from my mom's health decline. Whenever I would travel I would worry that something might happen like a fall or an illness with mom back here at home and that I might not get back in time. There were things like did I have her house filled with groceries, the things she liked and making sure she was actually eating and taking her meds in the right doses and at the right time and all the other things around a house like repairs and yardwork getting done. My own health issues that I put aside for years out of fear she would worry about me and not herself. All of my fears for the past very long time have been related to the one person in my life that ever meant anything to me and now she is no longer here to worry for.

I can honestly say and I did at the table that I no longer fear anything. My worst fears have all been realized and I can't think of a single thing in this world that could eclipse the fear I had of losing my mom. For now, I think I can say with some degree of perspective that although you can't let fear take an unnecessary high priority in your life, having some level of fear can be a good thing and having absolutely no fear in your life can be somewhat dangerous and unstabilizing. Having nothing to lose can be a bad neighborhood to live in and having healthy levels of fear and concerns can keep you from making really bad decisions like doing or saying things you wished you hadn't and worse.. 

This isn't a post about the virtues of fear but about balance. Worry can rule your life or give you a base for making and adhering to a list of priorities. Fear at unhealthy levels can make your life totally miserable or give you pause and perspective that no fear can destroy. My mom never wanted me to worry for her but I know she felt loved and cared for because I did. She worried and feared what would become of her only son if she were to pass away and I too felt loved and cared for because she did. 

My experience the past few years and especially the last several months has forced me to conclude that I felt more alive and well when I had some important things to worry over than when I lost all fear completely on November 16, 2019. 

So your question C. about fears were answered by me in the manner in which was appropriate at the time but in the back of my mind was the contents of this post. Although I had already had these thoughts in my head from a few days before you asked, it was good to go back and touch on how important it is to have something in life worth worrying about..