I can admit to myself that my worst days continue to pile up and run deeper with time. My decent days can no longer be described as good days they are just decent. Yesterday was a decent day as the pains of my health issues were diminished to a degree that I almost felt normal again. Then today out of nowhere I find myself sitting here clouded in a state of mind that has become all too familiar.
There is nothing new about the life I chose for myself so many years ago of being more or less disconnected from people places and things. Solitude is a choice that I made a commitment to and I’ve managed over the years to be OK with even when at times I would question if maybe I had made a mistake. But then it doesn’t take many awkward people interactions before I’m right back where God intended me to be which is by myself where I can find some level of peace.
But peace for me now feels very different. Clearly having my mom to care for who also cared for me was the blessing I could lean on that made an otherwise life of solitude more palatable. Weaving through life for me now is more like a job with tasks I have to do that I don’t want to do but know I must. There is no wakeup call that has me bouncing towards a new day with anticipation of all that might take me to a better place. That never was an ongoing method of meeting a day for me so why then are some of these days such a darker place? The answer is very near here at a cemetery I visit where every ounce of despair and sadness within me flows like a raging river.
Are these days like the one I'm having today temporary, or is this my new life now I often ask God. It’s less important to know the answer to that because I don’t actually think God is going to leave me here like this for much longer. My belief is that God’s intentions are not for us to suffer and I am somewhat comforted in knowing that one day he will take me by the hand and lead me to either a place where I can sort things out on my own or perhaps to the gates of heaven where I can see my mom and be whole again.
My regrets after my mom passing are many and take up too much space in my mind on days like this. One that consistently pulls at my insides is that I wasn’t prepared for my mom to pass away. Spiritually, physically, emotionally, I wasn’t prepared and I should have been. There is no medal to award for me seeing my mom’s condition and pushing away the idea that this could be God tapping me on the shoulder to tell me your mom is dying and you had better get yourself ready for that final moment when she will be gone forever and you, you will truly be left alone for the first time in your life. An orphan of parental mortality.
What I thought I was doing was stopping her from thinking she was in her last weeks and days of life and to get her mind on getting better. There was no getting better and what I was actually doing in hindsight was avoiding God’s hand on my shoulder and my mom telling me what was coming. I needed to get ready. My sweet loving mom’s life was ending and my life was going to be instantly transformed into something I will likely never recognize. I willfully discouraged myself from what I knew was happening and I left my well being to the winds of, I’ll handle it somehow like I always do and if it becomes too difficult or unbearable I’ll have my mom to lean on and she will give me the strength and perspective I’m lacking. Not having my mom here in my life is something I was completely unprepared for and have yet to come to terms with. Life for me is a day that is either just tolerable or as if I’m in free fall without a net to slow my descent.
I keep telling myself there will be more days like yesterday when I felt physically better and in turn, my emotional status will level out. Then days like today make yesterday seem like years ago and the likelihood of another decent day seems unlikely. How much further can I fall before not having my net becomes the determining factor in how I look to a tomorrow. There is no road map for this journey. My father is gone, and now my mom. Am I still a son? A significant part of my identity is gone. Who will I go to now to ask about the past? Yesterday someone mispronounced my last name and all I could think of was how my mom would have been so offended and maybe my father too. I wanted to punch the guy in the throat who didn’t take kindly to my response and could have had no idea why it would mean so much to me.
My biggest supporter, the one who occupied the greatest space in my life, the only person who has ever loved and cared for me unconditionally, my sweet mom. Give yourself time to grieve and be gentle with yourself. Contact a therapist, join a grief support group.. I am lost in a sea of well-meaning people who could have no clue how this is affecting me. God bless them but I have to figure this out on my own it's the only way I know.
This writing has served its purpose and I think I will go outside and get some air. Happy birthday tomorrow J. if you’re reading this and if not, I understand and will hope you have too much cake and laughs. The anniversary day my mom gave birth to me is coming up soon and it is my intention to have cake and remember what L. said to her before I was even born. “It will be a son and you will love him more..” And I will forever be grateful that she did.
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