you do not go unnoticed by me

What a weird and strange place this world is for many. Trying to find bits of happiness amongst the rubble of what has become of life is exhausting and I'm certain at some point not be worth the effort. Here's to those who face the rest of your lives alone with only memories to keep you from freezing to death. 

To those who have no conversations outside your thoughts and to those who have only windows to the outside to see what life used to be, here's to you and the courageous bravery it takes to just get up out of bed. 

For the many who have no families to be with especially this time of year, I see you, hear you, and recognize your grief and despair. It's real and you are not the only one. When you are faced with looking at photos and writings of those blessed with having all that you have not, I feel your pain and longing for that which has passed and the absence of even the slightest acknowledgement of those with only their sadness to keep them company while so many rejoice.   

Time is the magic for some but the curse for others and you know who you are. You are not alone in your despair for many are here and the open arms of acknowledgement of your suffering and loneliness are for you. 

Looking forward to another day is a blessing if you can manage it and when that effort becomes too hard know that you are not the only one. Reach out if you can, fight the urge to give up and walk alone if you have to just walk and try to remember that no one who has ever had meaning to your life would be OK with your suffering. Prayer, faith, and courage can help lift your head up when it wants to look down. Get outside if you can and walk just keep walking and if you're unable to get outside go out there in your mind and just keep moving if only in your head. 

God did not put a single one of us here to suffer so. We are not meant to rust and corrode with sadness. Any life that we have is a blessing and wasting it with chronic despair is unthinkable. We are alone and that is OK. Some are lonely and it's understandable. You are not going to be overlooked by me and I feel your every pain. 

There are many here in the same place you are with the simple goal of just wanting to wake up tomorrow and maybe not be sad. Keep it simple and just wake up and feel blessed that you did. Do something besides sit if you can. Overlook the "Happy Thanksgiving," and the upcoming "Merry Christmas," stuff that people toss around because they don't know your circumstance. Most people aren't able or willing to look beyond themselves long enough to realize those words don't make sense to so many who are suffering alone. 

Just keep moving. Move your mind if your body cannot and listen to the memories of those who have passed before you who would not want you to suffer so. Lean on whoever and whatever you need to and just keep moving.   

be thankful

This year on the surface, there are fewer things to be thankful for and those few things that are left have taken on a bigger significance in my thoughts. All those I once felt close to seem to be doing well and for that, I am thankful. This week I was able to help someone in need, and for that, I feel blessed. 

It would be easy to feel that life has dealt me some significant shots this past year but I remember what my mom would always tell me and that is, when you feel down and out, get up and go do something for someone else and you'll begin to realize that there are others who have it worse than you and doing what you can to make someone else's life better is what we are meant to be doing. My mom spent her entire life doing this and it actually does work and she was always right about all things that matter. 

While I mourn the loss of my mom I am reminded of the times we laughed and cried and held each other. The dinners we had just us two and our talks about everything. The Christmas one year when she couldn't afford to get me a new bike, so she got me a used one and it was perfect. The time she took me fishing in Oklahoma because that is what a dad would do and there wasn't one in my life. I managed to catch a fish and we took it to the restaurant at the lodge and had him cook it up for us. Maybe I was 9 or 10. When we finished eating that dinner she handed me a 5 dollar bill and told me to go and give it to the chef and to thank him. She was teaching me to be a man and to give to others. She was always thinking of others and 5 bucks was quite a bit for her to give. 

Today there are people who still have their moms and families but who can't go see them this year and I am reminded of that when I start to feel sorry for myself and snap back knowing I am not alone in despair. There is always going to be someone out there who is suffering in ways none of us can understand even if we have had similar circumstances. The depth of pain and sadness in the hearts of others cannot be measured or compared to our own. 

My journey is taking turns I didn't expect and I will do my best to make the best of whatever is meant to be. It is Thanksgiving and then Christmas and I suspect this year the actual meaning of this time of year will be more imprinted in our minds for all sorts of reasons and that is a good thing and I'm thankful for that too. 

I hope everyone will make the best of what they have and share what they can. Our time here in this life is the only thing we have no control over and everything else is how we will measure our worthiness of the time we've been given. God bless all. Be thankful. Share what you can.  

a year ago

these were the last couple of days a year ago that God let me be with my mom before he took her soul to heaven. We were not doing well and all the signs were there but I wasn't ready. We had our talks and she knew, maybe I did too, but I wasn't willing to be honest with myself or maybe there were just too many things to do to stop and think about it. Mom wasn't able to eat hardly anything and I had tried everything including baby food to get something she could eat. God was speaking to me and I wasn't listening.

This past year has been an emotional rollercoaster of from almost normal at times to the depths of despair all in the span of a few minutes. Many try to tell you it takes time and yet no one knows anyone else's depth of loss and I can admit I didn't even know my own. Our talks were hard and part of them were me trying to convince her that somehow I would be OK and keep going like she wanted for me. God may have a different plan than we had expected with my health issues that she would have been incredibly worried about. 

Coming to terms with a loss of my mom is much harder to get through than coming to grips with my own mortality. My faith and belief is that God took her when he did both to stop her suffering and to prevent her from worrying for me. I truly do believe that was intentional and out of love for an angel who had given everything she ever had to others and needed to rest.  

I miss her every single day and she is always on my mind. Tomorrow is Sunday and we always had dinners on Sunday just me and her. My memories are what triggers the tears and I've never cried as much as I do these days ever in my life. Tomorrow I will go to the cemetery and I'll take a chair and sit for a while and talk to mom and to God who I believe in my heart is holding her tight and helping her not to worry so much for me.

Many people are suffering these days for all sorts of reasons and my hope is that they believe in a higher power as I do because often times that is all we have to lean on and this past year I've leaned on him quite a bit. I'll see mom again one day and much sooner than I had anticipated but I'm alright with that knowing the plan is in place and the outcome is certain. It's been almost a year to the day November 16, 2019, 1:46am and it is as painful today as it was then. 

May God bless and hold all who are suffering. We are not meant to suffer so and there will be a wonderful place for us when our time here on earth is done. 

I'm not voting for biden or Trump

I will stand in line risking what would be a fatal virus if I were to contract it, to vote. My vote will not matter much in the big picture of all things but it was important for me to do. My first election voting without my mom on my arm who would always accompany me and vote in every election. She would have wanted me to do the same now that she is gone and as far as I can tell this could be my last opportunity to exercise this right.    

My vote wasn't for a person or a personality and I did not cast a vote for my own interests, those are already taken care of. My need to take a risk and vote in person was to make certain my vote counted and to make certain my mom who is watching over me from heaven saw that I am still taking her advice. She would always tell me when things seemed dark and bleak, go out, and do something for someone else and you'll feel better and that is what I'll be doing.

 

I will vote for you. Those I may know, most I do not, some who care, and most who couldn't care any less, I am going to vote for every one of you. My vote is for you and your children and families not to ever endure Marxism or socialism that I have seen first hand in my travels all over the world. I will vote for you to have the right to send your kids to the school of your choice instead of being dictated to by a massive new government ruling over every aspect of your lives. My vote will be to save you from paying more taxes and having your current tax cuts taken away whether you make $25 thousand a year or $400 thousand, I voted for your taxes to be cut again not raised. 

My vote is for people I may never meet who likely have no fundamental idea what exactly they are voting for or against other than I like this guy and I don't like that guy he pisses me off. People who willfully vote against their own best interest over style, I am going to vote for people exactly like you even though I feel you didn't deserve it. This election is about others and not myself. I have all that I need and then some apart from good health and I can't get that back. So my vote won't mean much to those who feel like they are in some sort of a pinball game with no real-life consequences but it's one of those times mom told me to go out and do for someone else and I'm OK if my one vote doesn't mean that none of you will have to watch this once great country go the way of Greece, Venezuela, Cuba, El Salvador and so on, I will vote to help you not have to endure that here in America anyway. 

I did all I could to help you even knowing a lot of you have no history to use to understand why I would vote with you and not myself in mind. The election in my opinion is a foregone conclusion and the only question left is just how far it will all actually go when we make the hard turn towards an America we fought wars to keep out of our borders. 

My hope is that many of you perhaps are young enough to outlive the damage about to be done and my heart goes out to those who are not young and what is coming is the last you will see. My mom would be proud of what I am doing for you and really nothing else matters to me. Good luck everyone.