dear 2019

..the best and worst year of my life. I would find myself getting closer to my mom than I had been since the moment I was born. Herbert Wall said to my mother back then, you will love this one the most. I’m not sure if I deserved to be loved more, or that Herbert was just able to see into the future and knew I would need more love.. My mom lavished an unconditional love on me that would get me through my darkest times and I am determined to rely on that to get me through her passing. My greatest legacy will always be that I was Martha Ann’s son. God gave her to me and knew how important she would be to my life. We had a bond that others could see and feel and it was right and good that I was here and able to care for her and be here to pass her from my arms into the arms of God and through the gates of heaven.

When 2018 came and went I was unaware that the new year would include the pain and the anguish of losing my best friend, my base and foundation. Looking back has always been my preferred method of feeling and that may have to change in 2020 if I am to survive the loss I am unable to put into words.

When I could help her to the couch to sit for a while we held hands and talked about a lot of important things till we would both fall asleep still holding hands. I studied her hands and her swollen arthritic fingers and paper-thin skin. All of the life and love those hands had given were there to see and they remain one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my life. Her soft pretty eyes and the smooth skin on her face that all the nurses talked about being so beautiful, all of those memories are still with me as I sit here. 2019 tried to break me and may still yet, but this year will always be the one I witnessed the greatest love and dignity I have ever known. The dignity and strength of a woman so full of life and love for everyone she met were right here with me and nothing can ever take that away.

2020 has yet to begin and already it has a get out of jail free card at least for my life in that nothing can ever hurt me like 2019 did. But then nothing can ever be as sweet and loving as those times during the worst of my mom’s illness near the end where she reached out not for comfort for herself, but to comfort those around her who were worried and hurting. She took my hands and told me what she knew I needed to do to get to the place where she was going and where she would be waiting to see me again. I promised her I would and I am doing just that.

Many good friends have tried to push me in this direction or that, get me here or there and added their advice for how I need to handle the emotional struggles I’m going through, but I know me better than anyone else and I will go through all of this at my own pace and in my own way just as I have always done even though this is a very different thing and much deeper than I could have imagined.

I appreciate those who offer care and concern the only way they know how and I even appreciate the ones who have done and said absolutely nothing. I know everyone’s names and although I may forget where I put my keys, I will never forget the names of those who were here and the names of those who were not.

So long 2019.

2020, go ahead and take your best shot-