My health is suffering now and my mind wanders aimlessly over scenarios of a future where loneliness and sadness share the majority of every breath that I take. I am certain this way of life is not sustainable and I question how much longer God will allow it to continue. My mom probably worried for me much the same way while I spent my time trying to keep her alive and as well as I could, her anguish over what she knew it would do to me must have been excruciating and deeply painful to her heart but God needed her with him and she had done all a human being could do to prepare me to live a life without her here. So why then do I wander through the house room to room and then the other house with no purpose? What is my plan for the new me who looks back from the mirror and doesn't recognize the person he sees? The me I am afraid of, the me I do not know. So I am to map out a plan and a future for someone who seems to be on a collision course with a future consumed with sadness? What does that kind of future look like I ask myself as I lay awake in the silence and darkness.
In the first few weeks, I stayed wrapped up in getting things done that had to be done. In stark contrast the past couple of weeks as a lot of those things have been put in the hands of others more qualified and are being taken care of, I'm not so much in a hurry anymore. It's becoming clear to me that when it's all done there will be nothing left for me to do but to live this life I'm not ready for. A life full of mindnumbing silence when I need to talk with my best friend. Unending days when things I want to share only with her go unshared forced deep inside and are then forgotten and meaningless over time. Her laughter, her soft gentle voice, brushing her hair, it's killing me just thinking I will never experience those again. I have recordings of her sweet voice I cannot listen to. Photos that have me at the point of breaking apart.
The rumbling and piercing silence is brutal. I started her car today and forgot about it so it stayed running a long time. Went outside to watch the soft rain and began to get emotional. It begins with this mass inside my stomach and it moves up towards my throat and into my eyes. It's inescapable and cannot be stopped. Will this be my every day now? Why would I want this and how will I avoid it? I'm at a point in my life where I can have just about anyTHING I want, go anyPLACE I can dream of. I'm able to work or not work and not worry about it. I've reached the place I always thought I wanted to be but without my mom its a cold and lonely unlivable place. Nothing like I thought it would be and I would trade it all for one more minute with my mom to hold her and talk to her and hear her voice again.
Things and places are to be shared with those who make your heart warm enough to beat. If you are reading any of this and wonder why it is I go on and on about this loss that is "just like the one you had and got through," think of it this way for just one minute. Tomorrow morning you will wake up and get out of bed and there will be no one there. It will be dark and silent and there will be no one to call and no one to talk to. If you eat you will eat by yourself at a table with chairs for others but it's just going to be you now and you alone. Every single person you have ever known who made you feel alive and your soul sing, your husband or wife, your kids, grandkids, parents, friends, grandparents, EVERYONE who made you happy who supported you and fed you and made you proud of yourself and feel love and affection, tomorrow morning you will wake up and all of those people are gone and they are never coming back. Think about those faces, those eyes, their smiles and laughter, talks, and sharing your life and theirs, gone and gone forever. Your life as you know it today with all of those loved ones involved in everything you do and are, think that tomorrow morning you will wake up and every single one of those people is gone. Gone forever and never coming back.
That is what has happened to me. The difference perhaps in my circumstance and most other people is that all of those important people who kept me alive and wanting to do well and keep going were all inside just one person. That is how I have lived my life. I have some great friends who have stepped up and some family who check-in and would do anything for me if there was something they could do but there isn't. No one and nothing can fill the void that has been left by my mom's passing. No amount of time is going to lessen the silence and despair that I feel. God and only God can help me now and I'm reaching out to be sure..
Meantime, I will write..
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