Working (for news) was always my go-to on New Years eve and one of
the best revenue nights of the year being that idiots seem to be out
in force on this night. While others say so-long to a year gone by
and ring in the new one, I spent my time getting to and shooting
video of those who thought they were invincible. Happy that those
days are over for me and I will be spending my NYE right where God
intendeds me to spend the rest of my time here on earth, alone,
hopefully safe, and with peace of mind.
The past two nights
I’ve managed to sleep some and had dreams instead of nightmares
indicating the deepest rem sleep had been reached. An improvement I’d
say, I’ll take it. Nothing about 2019 to celebrate and 2020 looks
terrifying so there’s that. The best I can hope for is an
acceptance that this is how life is going to be now and then finding
a way to live it in peace and by myself. Caregivers will know about
this transition going from all your energy and efforts twenty-four
seven going to another life and then overnight your focus is turned
completely off of those efforts and doesn’t know where to go. Do I
take care of me now is the obvious first question and that feels
selfish and uncomfortable. It’s taken me six now going on seven
weeks to decide to find a Dr and deal with my own health and even now
I have a tough time caring a lot about the outcome.
Older people have
always captured my attention but never the way they do now since
taking care of my mom. The elderly devise all sorts of ways to manage to get bottle caps open, stirring things well enough, seeing the
right oven temps, walking, getting in and out of the shower, reaching
for things the list is long and it is entirely heartbreaking. My mom
was having trouble swallowing her food and little did I know this was
the beginning of what would eventually take her from me. I would cut
up her food in tiny little bites and she would try but… Anyway, the
list of things one can do to help older people get by on their own is
a long one and I feel deeply sad for those who have no one to help
them do these things and then just have to give up trying.
The physical
downturn leads to a mental downturn and I did my best to help my mom
avoid all of that by keeping things she used at eye level,
pre-opening all bottle caps and clearing pathways for her to get
around with her walker in the house. Probably the best thing I did
was to install grip bars in her bathroom and vanity area. She
loved them and they enabled her to safely do things she was
struggling to do before. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND those for anyone
elderly you may know who doesn’t have them. They are worth their
weight in solid gold for those who need them.
Mom’s walker. When
mom began having some trouble walking she hesitated using the walker
that was right here ready to go. Ours is the one with four wheels and
a seat (please don’t get the ones with no wheels or only 2 wheels)
she could sit down on if she got tired. Once she agreed with my
insisting that she try it, she was hooked and it was a godsend. It’s
sitting in her third bedroom back there with the fuzzy socks I
wrapped around the handles because they made her hands hurt. I want
to donate it to someone in need of one and haven’t found that
person yet but I’m looking.
Don’t feel much
like writing today and it kind of feels like it might not be the
greatest day. I’m not bothered by people celebrating a new year
coming but it does remind me that mine will always be remembered as
the greatest loss of my entire life. There is nothing left to lose
but my own life from here on out and in an odd way that is somewhat
comforting knowing nothing will ever be as devastating to my time
here on earth. The hardest thing for me to do now is to learn how to
live with a shattered heart.
My sweet precious
mom, I love and miss you so terribly much-
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