social studies

absolutely nothing happened today. 

No catalyst for this beyond the feeling over the past ever so long, that social anything has drained my senses. Not just the internet but walking down the street, driving the car, working, entering or exiting a business, social just about anything has reached a point in my life where it requires more energy output than I have left to give it. 

Interactions between myself and all but a few is so incredibly draining that I end up using more energy to avoid contact than I do trying to pretend I'm not doing that.

Political buffoonery I can't tolerate, I mute commercials, meaningless chit chat makes me grind my teeth to the root, mindless texts and emails, my tolerance for all of it has just about run out completely. Most  of what is commonly considered by most to be ordinary back and forth with people, places and things have now taken their rightful place as the useless wastes of what little time I have left while on top of this earth. 

This blog has always been the purging of things in my mind that have no other legitimate place to be expelled but here where it feels more sane to write than to sit alone in a dark room and talk to myself. 

Gone are those days when you knew if you went missing for a day or so someone would ask about you or come looking for your body. Those people, those someones, they're all long gone now too. I'm constantly thinking what's the point in regards to just about anything I do or get involved with and it wasn't all that long ago I could find some beneficial reason to endure a few things that made the social exercise seem worth it but no longer.

My world is different now, a different life than the one I lived just two years ago and I've found everything about it and in it to be damaging to my soul. While I do not fear the end of this life and have said many times that I am not eager to go, I wonder at times if perhaps I look forward to that end a little more than I care to admit. 

My promise to my mom that I would continue on is why I will remain here until God decides, not me, that my usefulness here has run its course. Until then I will keep looking on my own for some light on a dark path. The days and the nights where I live are very quiet even though I know I'm not actually alone.

He who finds the light, wins.