dear 2019

I would find myself getting closer to my mom than I had ever been since the moment I was born. Herbert Wall said to my mother back then, "you will love this one the most." I’m not sure if I deserved to be loved more, or that Herbert was just able to see into the future and knew I would need more love.. My mom lavished an unconditional love on me that would get me through my darkest times and I am determined to rely on that to get me through her passing. My greatest legacy will always be that I was Martha Ann’s son. God gave her to me and knew how important she would be to my life. We had a bond that others could see and feel and it was right and good that I was here and able to care for her and be here to pass her from my arms into the arms of God.

When 2018 came and went I was unaware that the new year would include the pain and the anguish of losing my best friend, my base and foundation. Looking back has always been my preferred method of feeling and that may have to change in 2020 if I am to survive the loss I am unable to put into words.

When I could help her to the couch to sit for a while we held hands and talked about a lot of important things till we would both fall asleep still holding hands. I studied her hands and her swollen arthritic fingers and paper-thin skin. All of the life and love those hands had given were there to see and they remain one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Her soft pretty eyes and the smooth skin on her face that all the nurses talked about being so beautiful, all of those memories are still with me as I sit here. 2019 tried to break me and may still yet, but this year will always be the one I witnessed the greatest love and dignity I have ever known. The dignity and strength of a woman so full of life and love for everyone she met were right here with me and nothing can ever take that away.

2020 has yet to begin and already it has a get out of jail free card at least for my life in that nothing can ever hurt me like 2019 did. But then nothing can ever be as sweet and loving as those times during the worst of my mom’s illness near the end where she reached out not for comfort for herself, but to comfort those around her who were worried and hurting for her. She took my hands and told me what she knew I needed to do to get to the place where she was going and where she would be waiting to see me again. "You need to get closer to God Mike," she told me, and I promised her I would and I am doing just that.

Many good friends have tried to push me in this direction or that, get me here or there and added their advice for how I need to handle the emotional struggles I’m going through, but I know me better than anyone else and I will go through all of this at my own pace and in my own way just as I have always done even though this is a very different thing and much deeper than I could have imagined.

I appreciate those who offer care and concern the only way they know how and I even appreciate the ones who have done and said absolutely nothing. I know everyone’s names and although I may forget where I put my keys, I will never forget the names of those who were here and the names of those who were not.

So long 2019.

2020, go ahead and take your best shot-

the man I used to be

Working (for news) was always my go-to on New Years eve and one of the best revenue nights of the year being that idiots seem to be out in force on this night. While others say so-long to a year gone by and ring in the new one, I spent my time getting to and shooting video of those who thought they were invincible. Happy that those days are over for me and I will be spending my NYE right where God intends me to be spending the rest of my time here alone, hopefully safe, and with some semblance of peace of mind.

The past two nights I’ve managed to sleep some and had dreams instead of nightmares indicating the deepest rem sleep had been reached. An improvement I’d say, I’ll take it. Nothing about 2019 to celebrate and 2020 looks terrifying. The best I can hope for is an acceptance that this is how life is going to be now and then finding a way to live it in peace and by myself. Caregivers will know about this transition going from all your energy and efforts twenty-four seven going to another life and then overnight your focus is turned completely off of those efforts and it doesn’t know where to go. Do I take care of me now is the obvious first question and that feels selfish and uncomfortable. It’s taken me six now going on seven weeks to decide to find a Dr and deal with my own health and even now I have a tough time caring a lot about the outcome.

Older people have always captured my attention but never the way they do now since taking care of my mom. The elderly devise all sorts of ways to manage to get bottle caps open, stirring things well enough, seeing the right oven temps, walking, getting in and out of the shower, reaching for things and the list is long. It's entirely heartbreaking. My mom was having trouble swallowing her food and little did I know this was the beginning of what would eventually take her from me. I would cut up her food in tiny little bites and she would try but… Anyway, the list of things one can do to help older people get by on their own is a long one and I feel deeply sad for those who have no one to help them do these things and then just have to give up trying.

The physical downturn leads to a mental downturn and I did my best to help my mom avoid all of that by keeping things she used at eye level, pre-opening all bottle caps and clearing pathways for her to get around with her walker in the house. Probably the best thing I did was to install grip bars in her bathroom and vanity area. She loved them and they enabled her to safely do things she was struggling to do before. I highly recommend those for anyone elderly you may know who doesn’t have them. They are worth their weight in gold for those who need them.

Mom’s walker. When mom began having some trouble walking she hesitated using the walker that was right here ready to go. Ours is the one with four wheels and a seat (please don’t get the ones with no wheels or only 2 wheels) she could sit down on the seat if she got tired. Once she agreed with my insisting that she try it, she was hooked and it was a godsend. It’s sitting in her third bedroom back there with the fuzzy socks I wrapped around the handles because they made her hands hurt. I want to donate it to someone in need of one and haven’t found that person yet but I’m looking.

Don’t feel much like writing today and it kind of feels like it might not be the greatest day. I’m not bothered by people celebrating a new year coming but it does remind me that mine will always be remembered as the greatest loss of my entire life. There is nothing left to lose but my own life from here on out and in an odd way that is somewhat comforting knowing nothing will ever be as devastating to my time here on earth. The hardest thing for me to do now is to learn how to live with a shattered soul.

My sweet precious mom, I love and miss you so terribly much-

five in the morning

A gentle cool breeze and light rain and it's six weeks now today since I saw you look at me with your soft sweet eyes. A month and a half since I talked to you and held your face and hands. The days go by like massive heavy anvils on my shoulders. "So how are you doing," I still get asked which suggests to me that some think I should be further along in the grief process while I fear I may never get beyond this looms and grows. My precious mom, can you hear me when I cry out your name and is it you who wipes away my tears when I can no longer see? I am truly broken.

My health is suffering now and my mind wanders aimlessly over scenarios of a future where loneliness and sadness share the majority of every breath that I take. I am certain this way of life is not sustainable and I question how much longer God will allow me to be here. You worried for me much the same way I did for you while I spent my time trying to keep you well and alive as best I could. I could tell your anguish not for yourself but for me at what you knew was coming must have been excruciating for you but God needed you with him and you had already done as much as you could to prepare me for what was to come, a life without you. So why then do I wander through the house room to room and then the other house with no purpose? What is my plan for the new me who looks back from the mirror and doesn't recognize the person he sees? So am I to map out a future for someone who seems to be on a collision course consumed with sadness? What does that kind of future look like I ask myself as I lay awake in the silence and darkness.

In the first few weeks, I stayed wrapped up in getting things done that had to be done. I'm not so much in a hurry anymore. It's becoming clear to me that when all that has to be done is done, there will be nothing left for me to do but to live a life I'm not ready for. A life full of mind numbing silence when I need to talk with my best friend. Unending days when things I want to share only with you go unshared forced back deep inside my mind and then forgotten and meaningless over time. Mom's laughter, her soft gentle voice, brushing her hair, it's killing me just thinking I will never experience those again. I have recordings of her sweet voice I cannot listen to. Photos that have me at the point of breaking apart.

The rumbling and piercing silence is brutal. I started her car today and forgot about it so it stayed running a long time. Went outside to watch the soft rain and began to get emotional. It begins with this mass inside my stomach and it moves up towards my throat and into my eyes. It's inescapable and cannot be stopped. Will this be my every day now? Why would I want this and how will I avoid it? I'm at a point in my life where I can have just about anything I want, go anywhere and it all means nothing. I've reached the place I always thought I wanted to be but without my mom it's a cold and unlivable place. Just one more minute with my mom to hold her and talk to her and hear her voice again..

Things and places are to be shared with those who make your heart warm enough to beat. All of my tomorrows will now be spent alone with no one to call, no one to talk to. I will eat alone, laugh and cry alone, think too much and mourn the loss of and every person who ever made me happy, supported me, fed me and made me proud of myself, all gone now.  I think about the faces, the eyes, the smiles and laughter, talks, and sharing life with the people who have passed, and they are all gone now forever and never coming back.

That is where things stand for me today. The difference perhaps in my circumstance and most other people is that all of those important people who kept me alive and wanting to do well and keep going were all inside just one person. I have a couple great friends who have stepped up and some family who check-in and would do anything for me if there was something they could do but there isn't. No one and nothing can fill the void left by my mom's passing. No amount of time is going to lessen the silence and despair that I feel. God and only God can help me now and I'm reaching out to be sure..

Meantime, I will write..   

Mother's Day #3 - Sunday December 08, 2019

My dear sweet precious mom,

My 3rd Mother’s Day (Sundays) since you left and I don’t have to tell you it isn’t getting any better from here. Last night I took a friend up on his invitation to come out to the country and eat dinner. There were a thousand reasons I came up with not to go but in the end, I thought you might like it if I did. It was nice. We had giant filets grilled outside medium-well with potatoes and salad then ice cream and a little conversation. We watched some Tim Hawkins ( https://www.youtube.com/user/timhawkinscomedy/videos ) videos, the Christian comedian you would have liked he’s really funny. Got to see the chickens from the videos they sent to you that we laughed at and you thought were cute remember?

It was something like 10 pm when I made my exit and long after it got dark. All I could think about for the last couple of hours was that I hadn’t turned the lights on in your special room before I left and how dark the house would be by the time I got back. I felt guilty that those lights weren’t on for me to see when I pulled in. It seems to me like people more or less want to move forward from the pain and grief that envelops my every moment. I’m guessing there is a turning point where people get weary of hearing the anguish and emotions that are still welled up inside me aching to get out. Every conversation has some type of reminder of you and that you aren’t here anymore for me to talk to. Most people thankfully aren’t sad and in pain every waking minute like I am these days and so I’m left feeling this need to squash down my emotions to make others more comfortable. It’s almost like work and it’s as exhausting for me as it must be for others to witness. The alternative is to stay by myself and suffer alone and that isn’t healthy I’m hearing. I wish I could let people know how much I appreciate them for caring and wanting to get me out but it’s a lot of really hard work for me right now to push my emotions aside so that it doesn't feel like I'm constantly sucking all the air out of the room normal people are in.

Yesterday I found the car title and that will make it easier for me to get that car to Judy as you wanted. She knows how much that car meant to you and she says she will take really good care of it just like you would want. It will be a most difficult day watching your pride and joy roll out of this garage for the last time.

Linda and I went to the attorney's office yesterday and she signed over her executor power to me so he could just work with one of us to get everything done. Linda has been checking on me every day now like you would have wanted her to do and now that you aren’t here to do that, I’m strangely enough alright with it. They called last night and was going out to get a Christmas tree and something to eat and wanted to know if I would go. I’m just not ready for that- Yeah, Christmas is coming and this time for the first time without you here with me-

Will, an old TV friend called again Jose, Gene, my neighbor Pam and Kathy and her crew asked if I would go to church with them today and I gratefully declined. I wanted to go but don’t want to put a family with kids through my sorrows and emotions that seem uncontrollable in the Lord’s house whenever I go. I prefer to do that alone..

Charter Cable turned off service to the house today so there is no TV, no internet, nothing but this earth shattering silence. It seems to get them to stop phone service I inadvertently told them you had passed away and someone there decided they could no longer provide service even though they were getting paid all this time by me. So that saga should work itself out in a few days. Meanwhile, I have to get all the utilities moved over to my name or I guess they will turn all that off too. The tasks are many and you know how I am with people and things like this but I am trying to get it together.

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the little baby spoon I fed my mom ice chips with. Near the end, it’s all she could keep down.

When I walk past your bedroom I have to look in and stare as if you’ll just come out of the bathroom and walk through it again. I keep the light on in there just like always so you can see even though you would tell me you didn’t need it, remember? Your blankets are folded just right, the pillows stacked just the way you wanted them and the emptiness in that room fills my soul with excruciating pain. The baby spoon I gave you ice chips from remains in the glass in the fridge. The ice now just water that I stare at when I look in there. The blankets on the couch that I covered you in to keep you warm are still there, still folded as best I could, and the occasional grey hair I find on them I save and put to my face and long for you.

People tell me I’m doing better than they expected and that is the only time I really feel like I can laugh again. The jokes poked at the elderly on television some seem to think are funny now rile me up like nothing else. I’m super sensitive and there seems to be no end in sight for that. I keep your picture on the round table in the den where I can see it and your smile in that photo I took so long ago gives me air to breathe then takes that breath away. I’ll vacuum today and dust a little and then I’ll go out to the cemetery and we’ll talk some more. It’s almost 7 am and the light will be coming through the back door and put a cross on the wall like it does so I can know you are alright. Please don’t worry for me I’m doing enough of that on my own. I promised I would find a way and I’m working on that every day as you can probably see. Tell Gran and Toots I love them and let your father and Dub know I would have loved to have known them both.

May God wrap his arms around everyone who cares enough to check in on me and for those who cared for you, may they sleep well, rest easy, and know that God will bless them for their compassion. I can hear the birds already singing outside and another day is coming whether I’m ready for it or not. Happy Mother’s Day my sweet mom in heaven. I love you more than the spoken word could ever say. I will see you again. Love you mom..