Everyone has probably been where I feel I am many times before me. 4 plus years since mom passed away and I am still a mess. It's taken more of a toll on me than I saw coming both physically and mentally and the void her passing leaves in my life will never fill and I will likely be for the rest of my life, a broken man.
It doesn't help that the world is upside down and on fire and that my country is unrecognizable and the one I grew up in has died before my eyes. It would be depressing even without great personal loss health issues and so on. But watching the younger generations be the catalyst for a future they will regret is steadily weakening my care and concern.
The things I once looked forward to just a few years ago making photos and videos, and looking for new work, are all a long-lost memory. My well is dry, and devoid of life.
Always the loner never feeling comfortable around people persists and has increased a thousandfold since mom has gone. A reclusive solitude while it fights with my sense of well-being is my only comfortable place. There are people I feel love for, family even, that I would like to feel comfortable with, and yet it just isn't there.
My mental and physical health has suffered and a lack of peace in my soul is outpacing my will to address it. Things and people have changed since mom passed away I keep telling myself, only to realize the change is in me and it just hurts more.
Maybe I'll pick up and move someplace my mind as it wanders, change my name create a new life make some new memories, those thoughts have crossed my mind then the newest lab results remind me there probably isn't enough time. I reluctantly asked a friend to help me put a house up for rent or sale and while she graciously agreed she baled and that was that.
I know I have to do something here before the clock runs out even if it's wrong or doesn't make a whole lot of sense. God will surely lead me in some direction that is better than treading water in this place.
I've upped my purging of things from Mom's house and mine for the past year or so and more lately in the hopes of spurring me on to make some type of progress as I'm feeling a need to pick up the pace.
It's 4am and I am sitting here writing instead of resting up to make use of another new day. Some random reading of Suzanne Summers' husband of 55 years who said some time ago of her passing and how peaceful and calming it had been. She had battled more health demons than any 100 of the rest of us and yet she managed to make use of every minute she had and stayed in a loving relationship till the very end.
Suzanne's huge house and 100 million dollar fortune couldn't save her and isn't going to comfort those who are left behind when they need a hug or to hear her voice. The emptiness that is left behind when a matriarch passes away is something no one can relate to until it happens to them. How you deal with it defines the legacy that a loved one leaves behind and right now I don't feel I'm honoring my Mom's legacy by not being well myself and getting on with whatever life is left for me. I have a lot of work to do..
Link: Note to self..
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