Sharing Your Grief (written over 4 days in February 2021)

Spending 4 days and nights in your car because of a power and heat outage gave me too much time to rummage through my head. A lot of well-meaning people tried unsuccessfully to offer me advice on how to help myself get through the times ahead. I'm not one to allow others to help even when I need it, and for some reason I remember someone telling me when they start getting emotional over the loss of their loved one they quickly try to think of something else to put their mind in a different place. This actually pissed me off at the time. It sounded like a betrayal of a memory. Since hearing that there have been countless times when I have to redirect my mind in a very similar way to that advice I was having none of at the time. Sometimes it helps to turn away from a photo or a memory in order to keep from breaking down.

The confines of an SUV 24 hours a day for almost a week although horribly uncomfortable, in a way felt natural to me and like that was where I belonged, alone and quietly suffering. I hope you have no idea what that is like and that you never do. 

Many years ago I lived in this tiny little house that only had one window air conditioner for the summer heat and one dearborn gas heater for the winter to stay warm in one room. There were a few roaches and mice to contend with from time to time and not a great neighborhood. But I remember in the dead of winter when the entire house was freezing cold except the living room where this gas heater was I would sleep on the couch all buried inside a sleeping bag and as many blankets as I had and cover myself all the way up to my neck to stay warm. As tough as all that may sound, at the time, it was all I could afford but it was mine and I felt snug and warm and oddly comforted by those covers and that sleeping bag. Oddly today, I miss standing in front of that gas heater blaring heat to the point the skin on my legs was red and burning. The inside of an SUV isn't quite the same but it too felt like a hug that comforted and sheltered me from the bitter cold just outside. 

On the 4th day of this ice apocalyptic when I saw the lights come on at my mom's house where I had stayed in the driveway for the past 4 days, I jumped out and went inside to make sure the heat was back on. Inside it was  34º and warming up. Then I went to the other house and did the same. All was working and I felt so blessed to have the power and heat that we all take for granted and almost as soon as I was feeling good about it all, I began missing the inside of my car that had literally kept me alive, snug, and warm. That familiarity with the simple things in life made me think of my mom and all the times I was in foreign countries in possibly dangerous situations shooting corporate video and how comforting it was to know that I could call her on the phone night or day and she would be thrilled just hearing my voice and oh how I miss hearing hers. 

With 2 houses to live in fully furnished and nice, it was the closeness of the inside of my SUV that I wanted to go back to. Throughout those entire 4 days while I was cooped up in my suv in mom's driveway, no one called to check on me to see if I was even alive. At night the streets and all the houses I could see were all pitch dark without power. I began to feel not just alone, but lonely, a feeling I'm not accustomed to. Already over a year of deep sadness and grief after my sweet mom went to heaven there I was with nothing to distract me and no place to turn my head to keep from getting choked up and feeling everything being alone in this world had to offer. My mind was telling me this is your life now better find a way to get used to it. 

I ended up taking a photo of myself in the car all bundled up and then breaking all my rules of sharing what to him was maybe a funny photo, but to me was an expression of serious depression and grief, telling him at the time, 4 days in the car, houses with no power and no heat.   

But why did I do this? What good could come from sharing my grief and my circumstance? I knew the answer and I'm ashamed that I took that route of fishing for someone to care. That is exactly what I was doing now that I look back on it and it marks a very low point for me as the guy who has always stubbornly insisted on taking care of myself with no help and no reaching out allowed and here I was doing it knowing full well there was nothing good to come from it.

My mom always advised me not to tell people everything. Leave a lot of the personal things to myself and just let others do all the talking and listen. People want to be listened to and heard but for me, keep the really deep things to myself and not give away too much that can be used by the unscrupulous against me. And from my experience of always shooting straight and telling it like it is, this was a hard lesson to learn, and here I was breaking that rule by telling someone I was in a bad situation knowing there was nothing I would have allowed anyone to do to help. 

It's a big mistake to tell people all your troubles even if they ask "how are you doing." In today's world that really isn't a question, it's a greeting, a form of hello and no one has the time or energy to drop what is actually important to them to stand there and hear you tell them how you really are when they ask. Mom was right about so many important things and this about not giving away too much is important today. A very small few may care but so many don't and the rest will find a time to use your weakness to take advantage or hurt you. Those are MY conclusions of why not to give away too much and not my mom's who never came into contact with any of the types of people I've had to deal with these days. 

Think long and hard about sharing too much with people today and especially your grief. If the people you come into contact with actually know you as what a friend actually is, they know you are suffering already and you can tell them the same types of things you did 20 years ago and probably be OK. Pass on sharing your deepest personal things with everyone else and you will not regret it. Most people today aren't listening to you to take in what you are feeling, they are listening to talk about themselves and their experiences. People want to talk about themselves and not you unless of course you, want to talk about them. Those folks are not, your friends.

Sombody's callin' your name..

When I’m gone I want just one someone and it doesn’t matter who, please stop for 4 minutes and 11 seconds to play this song “Seven Turns,” by the Allman Brothers Band just for me that I related so much to in my long and very un-relatable life. Dickey Betts singing these lyrics that turned my emotions loose to feel what nothing else could. When Gregg joins in at 2:47 with his unmistakable southern voice “somebody’s calling your name,” it was as if he was speaking just to me.

Some tough health news for me this week has had me listening to my favorite music while knowing this life that is in God’s hands has been all over the map with the best and the worst often happening at the same time. No longer confused and without any questions or complaints, God has been very good to me even during times I felt I didn’t deserve it. He thought I deserved it and I’m grateful and often sad that there is no one to share with anymore. I always just wanted to be left to be who I was and not be ostracized or isolated by people around me. That wasn’t how it was to be and God knew that I would struggle and oh how I did. No more questions from me about why this or how that in this life for me, it was always in his plan. 

In my teenage years music was often my only companion and the lyrics to the songs of my life were most often expressed by The Allman Brothers Band and Gregg himself as he sang about his own life of being on the run and bump and go loves that never seemed to go anywhere until the very end of his life. The eagles Desperado is another one of my favorites seemingly written in words that described my own experiences that I would like to listen to when my time is near. 

Since I was a little kid I couldn’t relate much to other people be they family or neighbors or school mates and I’ve never even to this day understood why. But what I do understand is what took me through those times back so long ago still get me through my days as an old man and I am eternally grateful God gave that music to the world but specifically to me. The one’s who comforted me when nothing else would and those who sang the turbulence of my life then and now are mostly all gone now but their music remains where I can reach it when I need it. 

When God decides my time is up here and there’s just one more turn on the highway for me to take, I’m as ready as I can be. I’ll be seeing my family members who were the staples of my time even though at the time I often didn’t quite know how meaningful they would be, I cannot wait to see them again. Knowing I will be seeing my mom again comforts me now like a hug I can no longer get and a voice I ache to hear.   

I highly recommend everyone who runs across this that you live as much life every day as you can because one day you may find the sounds of your clock ticking away and your plans whatever they may have been be cut short. Don’t waste one of your Seven Turns, there may not be another one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqxywPYRCbI

Seven turns on the highway,

Seven rivers to cross.

Sometimes, you feel like you could fly away,

Sometimes, you get lost.

And sometimes, in the darkened night,

You see the crossroad sign.

One way is the mornin' light,

You got to make up your mind.

Somebody's callin' your name.

Somebody's waiting for you.

Love is all that remains the same,

That's what it's all comin' to.

Hey, yeah.

Runnin' wild out on the road,

Just like a leaf on the wind.

How in the world could you ever know,

We'd ever meet again?

Seven turns on the highway,

Seven rivers to cross.

Sometimes, you feel like you could fly away,

Sometimes, you get lost.

Somebody's callin' your name.

Somebody's waitin' for you.

Love is all that remains the same,

That's what it's all comin' to.

Somebody's callin' your name.

Somebody's waitin' for you.

Love is all that remains the same,

That's what it's all comin to.

Somebody's callin' your name.

Somebody's waitin' for you.

Somebody's callin' your name.

That's what it's all coming to.

tomorrow

105 times I've sat here in the darkness and silence of another night to write down my deepest thoughts that my soul kept hidden beneath all my efforts to pretend everything was alright. There are no appointments to keep and no calls to return. I could pass away while writing this and it could be weeks to months before anyone would know. 

I made a promise to my mom before she passed away that I would find a way to go on and try as best I could to be some form of OK. It feels as though I may be failing to live up to that promise and it deepens my sadness knowing she is watching me not doing well from above. 

Tonight I watched a video of a son and a father building a playhouse for the son's kids and I thought of my own father who I only met once and every time this 38 year old son called his father Dad it was like a dagger in my gut knowing that I will never know what that is like. Then a text msg about an old man I had met at the cemetary who was so kind to me and took care of my mom's gravesite, he passed away today suddenly. 

I mowed the yard today, did some laundry, and spent some time at my mom's house where I have left everything just as it was the night she passed away in 2019. What to do with two houses while one of them is way more house than I actually need. 

I've retired early and have lost every passion I've ever had. All my cameras sit gathering dust and I have no desire even to pick one up. Gave one camera body to a stranger I had never even met just because she said she needed one and I have so many just sitting here.  

Tomorrow will be here soon and I'm hoping something will bring me out of this mood. Mom always told me that the best thing you can do when you feel like this is to go out and do something for someone else. Mom was so kind and so sweet and giving and I miss her more every day. Even while mom knew her time was near and in her toughest hours when she would look at the sadness and fear in my face, she would hold my hand and tell me in her soft whisper voice that she had left, it will be better tomorrow, don't worry. She isn't hurting anymore and her place with God was well earned. She gave me everything I need to find my way back to her when it's my turn to leave this world and I believe we will see each other again. I am as ready as I can be.