a look back, at the future..

I've heard it said that it isn't the dates on our headstone that matter, but the dash in between. The life we live between the beginning and the end. Odd thoughts like, of the people who I miss the most who are already gone, would those people agree with our perceptions of them? Should it even matter to me at all once they're gone and why do I spend time even thinking of such things- My spiritual beliefs include that all who are still here now, know exactly where they stand with God including myself even though I struggle at times with feeling less than worthy and coming up short of God's expectations..

The past several years have worn me out. A life lived completely alone is harder than I expected even while still wanting to be left alone. As I sit here today I lack hope that the future here in America is going to be anything but dark, and darker than this day. My lone companion, depression, has met someone new to hang out with, grief. Welcome to the family.. My overwhelming sense is that while I struggle personally, evil has engulfed my country and the entire world in fact, and that there is no escape.

     

Red flags appear with each new day that the person I once was is now hard to recognize. The weight of depression and grief is bone-crushing even on a good day and furthers my health decline. But others have it much worse I tell myself to lessen the load.. But I no longer buy the tricks I try to play on my mind and then it is what it is, plays on a loop inside my head. 

I have written often to myself, about not being able to call my mom and hear her voice or go back further and meet my father and learn who he really was. I often look at his face in a photo and wonder how he might have affected my life had we known each other. But no answer comes and no perception fits and I know that no matter the struggle I face I must fulfill the promise I made to my Mom that I would be OK and keep going while getting closer to God so that we will see each other again when it's time.         

I have experienced good fortune and extreme heartaches, life has at times kicked me around and I had to learn that getting back up and working to make things better wasn't an option on a list, it was the list. 

Rough new normals are that Linda and Bobby are now being cared for in their own home by complete strangers while they struggle with memory issues. Our country is being intentionally ripped apart because of an insatiable desire for power and control by those in control at the moment while our enemies eagerly await our final attack on ourselves. My attempts at communication with my son go unanswered and the work I once enjoyed I no longer do while the deafening silence surrounds my days and takes its predictable toll.    

Wars are breaking out all over the world and in our own streets where it's no longer even safe to walk. The internet with its faceless names is now our living room where we once sat and talked about things and how we were doing with people we loved. Those times and people have been replaced with a screen looking out over a vast and ever-increasing ugly and vile world.  

With all the darkness described herein, there is much that I am grateful for in this life. The mother I had was my undeniable proof that God exists and that God is good. I have experienced what love feels like and I have loved in return in my own awkward and failed ways. Actual friends, I have had a few of those. That shiny new Schwinn Stingray bicycle Mom couldn't afford but bought for me anyway when I was a weird kid, I was so proud of that bike and you Mom for knowing how much it would mean to me. Family, I got to experience times with some of the most resilient, giving, wise, and loving people God ever created. Rarely speaking of their hardships, they went to great lengths to make sure ours, all of us kids, were easier hardships than theirs. Thank you Gran and thank you to Papa who I never met and who had to be the best in the world or Gran wouldn't have chosen him to make the family I was a part of. From the two of you came so many wonderfully giving and loving people any has ever known. 

Having done well in some areas I do absolutely regret not being better at the important things like being a better husband, a better son for my Mom, and a father to my son. I regret becoming a recluse hermit and hiding from a world I would have to live in alone at the end. 

My memories I will try to use as fuel to restore some of my energy and lessen my worries. May God help me to find ways to honor those who came before me as they did for those who came before them.  

the square peg

being just a couple of years in front of 70 has me conserving what energy I have left to get on with the days God has given me to still be here. But I still devote for whatever reason, swaths of time throughout these days to looking back over this life and trying to figure out the why and how I got to this place of isolation and living this hermit lifestyle.. 

I have managed to avoid the woe-is-me that usually comes with this kind of story by doing well financially and traveling around the world with a fun job, but none of those things seems to ease my troubled mind. 

I assume thoughts of one's own mortality especially at my age are a common thing but it seems to be a daily cluster of thoughts for me. Like if I were to suffer a heart attack and die at this very moment while writing this it would be months before I was found. All my bills are on auto-pay and it's often several months between a text or a phone call from anyone I once knew. Soon after those thoughts comes the uncomfortable realization that after nearly 7 decades of life on this earth, no one cares enough to check to see if I am still alive or dead! I don't dwell on this I just wanted to write it down and see if it feels any different reading it as opposed to just knowing it. 

In our family, once the matriarch passed away my Gran, what was left of the family generally broke apart and went their own way never getting together again until one of those still left passes away. How sad and real that is.  

The Bible says we are to leave our mother and father and go make our own family and I believe that covers most people but strangely enough not me. I did make my own family but soon after was unceremoniously pushed out of it and never attempted it again. As a kid I generally wasn't allowed to play with the other kids in the neighborhood for whatever reason I can't recall.  They were often older than me but not by a lot so I have no idea why I had to play by myself. I carried that isolation into and through my school years and it didn't sit well with others as it was looked at to mean I may have thought I was better than them when in fact, nothing could have been further from the truth. So no real friends in school either. "The square peg," and I were becoming a thing. 

All these years later nothing much has changed but being young and alone is one thing, and getting much older and alone I'm finding, is quite another. I don't kid myself it can't be any other way at this point, the die was cast so long ago. I miss the days back when I had a chance to maybe turn all this around and have a different life.

In Memorium to times better and those including me, who never fit in.