midnight potatoes

Haven't been feeling great for a while now, maybe even for months. All my labs for the kidney issue are pretty much saying the condition is stable which is a good thing. But I've just finished a 3 day shoot that I took on knowing regardless of the fact it would not be anything close to physically strenuous, at the end of each day I would feel exhausted. When you only have one kidney and it's only filtering at 40%, really doesn't matter what you're doing it's going to make you feel like you've run a marathon. So today was day 3 of the shoot and after getting back home and falling asleep in a chair, I woke up around 11:30pm and had this unusually odd burst of energy. The pains were gone and I felt energetic like I had to get up and get some things done. 

First thing that came to mind was to cut up two potatoes. Yep, middle of the night feeling unusually good for a change and my first thought was to cut up those damn potatoes I had in there about to go bad. I love potatoes but they are a big no-no for kidney disease because of the potassium and phosphorus and to eat them at all I have to peel, then cut, the rinse the pieces a few times then soak them in water overnight to leach out the kidney offending stuff in them. Long process and I was going after it like on some sort of mission.. 

So, after all that I went to packing up two still camera bodies I agreed to sell and made shipping labels and all that, then went to getting the trash ready for tomorrows trash pickup and I'm like my old self again looking for things to do and not having enough time to get everything done instead of looking for a place to stop and close my eyes. I came very close to taking a mile or two midnight walk and didn't but wished I had. So why write about all this mundane bullshit at all let alone in the middle of the night I ask myself while typing. Well, maybe just to remind myself one day when all this energy wears off and I run across this post about having actually felt almost normal again for a day. I want to remember how it used to feel and how most others probably feel going through most days. I can't even imagine what all I could accomplish if I had stretches of time when I felt physically good again. 

I'm a totally different person in a really good way when not in pain and exhausted and I actually like this guy I become and would like to be that guy again before I'm done.. 

So while I'm wide awake and fidgety at 2am, I look at the calendar to see when something else is that I've obligated myself to do may be coming up and I see it's my birthday today! My computer is reminding me it's my birthday. Wow. I had forgotten or maybe just put it out of my mind, but as many do, I began to try to correlate in my head why this odd burst of feel good happened and was it my new year of life and the passing of an older one? That seems unlikely and birthdays and Christmas's and milestones like these are for kids anyway right? Well they are and I've always felt that way about my own but I never let one of my mom's birthdays go unnoticed and really isn't all anyone wants to experience after growing up is that someone notices you are still here?? 

There's been some 20-25 thousand people view this blog and I would have no idea who they are or why they would even bother but I felt the need to at least memorialize for myself the one day or night as in this case that I felt good enough to wish myself a Happy Birthday because there is literally no one else left that will remember much less mention it. So there you go me.. 

I will remember this day when I look back over here for some reason and read this and remember how great it must be to live a life free of physical and emotional pain. So...

Happy Birthday old orphan dude and by the way, thanks to "T.," who was the only person left on earth who wished me a Happy Birthday today. It was some 50 years ago and you still remembered.  

If it's God's will, may there be more time left free of pain.

hello there old friend

It's been a while and yet not much has changed. Been some ups and a lot of days where nothing seemed to move me. I still miss what and who has passed and I still say real prayers for everyone else and have to remember to include myself. 

Jason had a birthday a couple days ago and the kid I used to hold next to me is now a middle aged man with a family of his own. I don't bother him on the phone or with surprise visits because I never want to push what may not be wanted. He could call if he wanted and that reminds me of my lack of relationship with my own father where neither of us called and then one day it was too late and he was gone. 

Not sure why I stopped in over here tonight maybe it was the chill in the air just enough chill to be a bit uncomfortable but not cold. That chill is a familiar one that covers me at times unrelated to the temperature and gets worse with the silence that surrounds my home and life these days. 

There is solace in knowing that unlike so many others in my life, my God hasn't left me and I have faith that he never will. Although the quiet and the darkness makes it feel like I am completely alone, God promises me that I will never walk alone in this world or the next and I believe him. 

On the physical health front although I haven't been feeling well the past several weeks, the labs tell a story of a fatal disease that has at least for now, not gotten worse over the past year and for that I am thankful. 

Rueben also wasn't looking so well a few days ago when he came by to check on me. He may have lost some weight and I fed him some of his favorite not so cheap cat food. His usual one tub turned into three and he ate almost all of it before he came over and sat with me for a while and took his first selfie. No one else human or beast, knows if I am dead or alive these days and if I'm truthful often times I'm a little of both.

Got all the tax prep to Mel today and took care of some business with the bank and Ameritrade which I usually put off till the last minute but not this time. It feels good to have those things tied up early this year. Feeling tired. 

Thanks Rueben for stopping by and for the photo bomb.