what I miss most

My brand of therapy is writing or purging. This is both. The death of a family member spurred my need to relieve some of the pressure so this, is that. My Gran's sisters babysat me when I was a little kid and I remember them being so sweet and caring. We didn't stay close and now both are gone. Like so many other members of this family a lot didn't stay close and most of those people have since passed away. I find death forces me to search what is left of my soul and more often than not I don't like that I find more regrets filling the space where peace should be. 

The DEATH OF THE FAMILY itself has to be acknowledged and given its due in order for me to find perspective when a new death brings back old memories. I am old enough to remember when we were all gathering around Gran's dinner table and actually seeing each other and hugging and hearing each other's voices that are just a memory now. The cousins playing in the backyard when we were little now we rarely even speak to one another until we find ourselves at a funeral for someone we cared about decades ago but didn't show up much while they were here. Everything that was good and better than we knew at the time, is gone now. While many have passed away, so many others have just disconnected from all that was. All thats left for me now is some of the memories and visiting the graves of those people who created me and those memories, that is all I have to hold on to.

When all you have left are memories, you have reached a place in line you may not be fully ready for. It's a very heavy place, an empty solitude surrounded by sadness, grief, and regret. A look back at how we all began to disengaged with one another and drift apart isn't a pretty picture to spend the time I have left painting but I often feel the need to go there and try and find the reason. This is what happens when the well runs dry and I wish I hadn't been so wasteful of so much time. 

I will press on like I promised mom that I would and I will continue to thank God for giving me the mother I had that continues to save my life every single day, and on days like this.