sorry, OFF LIMITS

my days now are limited to just a few things and most of those can be put off for weeks with no effect. A bizarre turnaround for a guy who was always checking the calendar to know what time to set the alarm and where I had to be the next day. Not officially retired but the virus and my health have made it less likely that I'll need to set that alarm anytime soon or maybe even ever again. 

Only a couple things come to mind most days now and most of them are "off-limits," to talk or share with anyone even if there was someone. The rest are things I feel may be too much of a pipe dream all things considered and not knowing how much time I'm going to have to get anything done. "Is it even worth it anymore," is a running theme in my head at least a half dozen times a day.

Writing is my way of breaking the silence that surrounds me but the triggers of memories can be a bit too much. No longer can I sit and listen to the clocks ticking and not realize that this as peaceful as it is, feels like it's killing me inside. Having pushed family and friends away for all these years and most with good reason I will say, the silence and the clocks ticking in the background is all that's left now.

Peace and quiet are what I always enjoyed until it was all there was. "Should I remodel one house, sell it and move into the other," it all seems so pointless now. The batteries to my cameras dying unused and sitting around doing nothing are like this old man who has lost his passions. I have more of everything I could ever want except for someone to share them with if even through conversation. Odd how life can end up like that but then this ending was really no accident.

Having always had strict standards for the type of people I would include in and around my life left me with only one person and I miss her more than I have words for. My friend, my mentor, my reason for anything good I have ever done, my mom. I knew it was going to be hard when she would go to heaven but I did not know it would be quite like this. 

So I write to no one about everything. There are no arguments or interruptions and no having to listen to someone who hasn't lived my life trying to "fix," it all for me instead of just listening. It's just the clocks and the silence and the prayers that God keep his arms wrapped around me and all those in need even the ones for good reason or bad, that I pushed and kept away, I pray for you too. Everything is going to work out in the end but in the meantime, man..         

the Crucifixion of Donald John Trump

This day was no different than any other since before Trump even got into office. All the sorted details of what has happened since is pointless to go through. Even Jesus Christ was crucified only once while Trump has been crucified every day for over four years and interestingly enough, by similar elitist foes and for much the same reasons of those in power feeling threatened by the masses who supported him.

Trump's crimes in no particular order were to turn the system on its head exposing career politicians for their ineptitude and unwillingness to do what they were hired to do which is working for you. In the span of one or two years Trump's policies and his cutting red tape roadblocks through deregulations set historic records of employment for the most underemployed segments of America all while being skewered on an hourly basis by an unhinged political party using fake bought and paid for stories like russian collusion and porn star rendezvous and whatever else they could buy and throw at the wall. 

What we have learned from all of this should frighten every American who is or ever was a student of history. The lessons again in no particular order and regardless of your political affiliation are that Republicans are weak spineless cowards and democrats are epic warriors who will fight to the death with a take no prisoner mindset at any cost including sacrificing rule of law and the constitution. Opposing a career politician and exposing them for the thieves they have been for decades will get you and those who dare to support you destroyed while calling for unity. 

Communist China has to be jealous of what the elite class in America is doing to YOU, through Donald Trump. Punishment for dissent is something marxist and communist countries have had an exclusive on until now. Imagine the private conversations of dictators going on at this very moment watching what power and control are being used for in America today. 

Hard times the likes of which you have never considered touching your lives inside America are on top of us right now. And not just for those appalled at what is happening, but also for those who aren't yet connecting the effect these people are going to have on their lives as well. When a vindictive and seething vile political party is in complete control of your life and the well being of anyone who dares to oppose them, you have a China clone, Venezuela, Greece, North Korea. None of these dictatorships could have ever imagined the beacon of light in this world America, could fall like this. 

There can never be another America on this earth. The founding fathers of this republic are rolling over in their graves at all the work they did penning the constitution and bill of rights to provide protections against this very scenario we find ourselves in. Our borders are about to be wide open again and the caravans of the 3rd world with disease and criminals and coronavirus in tow are building as I speak. The cost of living in America for those who are citizens is about to skyrocket beyond reach for the very people Trump put first as eleven million or more illegal aliens are made citizens to take the jobs and welfare and social security that is already headed for bankruptcy. The freedom to oppose this calamity on top of us is now redefined from common sense to racism, hate speech, and xenophobia so your freedom of speech can be taken and punishment is administered. Everything good about this republic is under attack and half of this society is completely unaware of the effect it will have on them, their kids, and their futures. It's the "orange man bad" syndrome where all evil and hardship is piled onto the one man everyone is allowed to hate.  

It's painful to say you were warned but you were. And for me personally, I will say with zero regrets, to those who celebrate this demise of America through the orange man bad syndrome, and voted for it for whatever reason including you may just have not understood the consequences, you deserve every anguishing moment you go through once you realize the damage that has been done. 

What comes around goes around and sooner or later, the mobs of the self-righteous with all their power and control are going to finish with some and be coming for YOU. 

Sleep well while you can my friends.

peace at last

lessons, the ones you carry through your whole life, are the ones that cost you the most to learn.. That cost increases with time and like a tax you never stop paying it. Lessons involving the people you run across like the ones you now just arbitrarily mistrust, ignore, or push aside because you let one too many of the wrong ones get too close, that is a cost you can only quantify after you get older and look around and no one is there. 

The music you listen to, the laughter if you can muster, the crying you will do, the feelings you can't escape, the memories you can't forget, all of these things made easier to sort through when shared, you will now experience alone. 

I write about things that matter to me because these things have to have a place to go. The world that I'm seeing is not the one I had ever envisioned and while I'm still able, I write about it. I'm familiar and have been quite successful with traveling down unbeaten paths throughout my life, but this one, in my final quarter, is very dark and getting harder to walk.           

But God promises to walk these paths with me and I welcome the guidance like never before. Mom's final wish for me was to get closer to God so we would see each other again, it was her final wish for me from her heart that would soon give way to the arms that would pull her from mine and into heaven. I will keep the promise I made to her to try and find a way to live without her presence on earth and remembering that promise every day is all I can do. 

I ordered my headstone today that will be next to hers. It says, peace at last and my hope is that it will be.