a message for the outcasts and the hermits on Thanksgiving 2023

 Odd times for me during November all the way through January each year since an angel came down and took the hands of Mom and led her into her rightful place in heaven four years ago. 

Those very few who actually know me know I don't take the internet seriously on almost any level 95% of the time but during these months when strangers tend to get sentimental and tell stories of those who meant so much to them but who are no longer here, I feel that I get it.

My routine this time of year when faced with the gut-wrenching emotions of others is to transfer them to my own circumstances hunker down quietly and just be OK alone. I'm doing that now but with this one twist of posting something serious to me on a platform, the internet, that I generally despise.  The purpose is for anyone who might wonder or wander onto it after I'm gone and find it explains better who I actually was as opposed to the perceptions. (You know who you are...) 

My best memories of these times are of all the wonderful ladies of the family building the various plates and bowls of awesomeness we all scarfed up at Gran's massive round table at her house down the street. Soon after was the cold weather and Christmas where we'd do it all over again. January was mom's birthday and I was a kid back then and had no idea at the time how one day the memories of those times would be all I had left.   

Mom is gone, Gran too. Peggy, Ken, and Toots, are all gone and Linda struggling with Alzheimer's, and Bobby with his own memory loss, and doing his best to take care of Linda and himself while also grieving the loss of what once was. Jason doesn't talk to me and I won't push it. I've retired more or less and the volume of work that I used to hide behind, it's gone.  

Grief from loss is an unwanted companion that never leaves your side. It hangs around uninvited ready to punch me in the throat while I'm just trying to keep the wheels up and near the centerline. The feral cats that make their home outside around here seem to have the right perspective on life which is really just staying alive another day and finding something to eat. Raw and uncomplicated and I like it that way too. 

My neighbor next door to Mom's house asked me to take care of her inside cat while her family gets together in another state for Thanksgiving. Of course, I told her, trying not to reveal that for me, caring for another living being at times like this makes me feel more alive. It's a gift she has given to me, rather than a gift from me. She appreciates that the cat she loves is in good hands and I even think Peanut in his own way appreciates me being there a little bit too. Neither of them knows it is me who benefits the most from this brief encounter with another living being. 

So life is tough at times and really tough the rest of the time but I still like being around and looking at the internet and reading how others are making big dinner preps for a big family get together makes the memories of those times when that was my reality come flooding back but I'm so thankful for having those memories. I know I'm not actually alone today or any other day for that matter, and it is God that walks with me every step that I take and that has kept me OK and wanting to get back up tomorrow. So I hope others in my situation feel they too are never completely alone and that all this stuff we go through has been put there for a reason even if we can't quite see it today. 

Just take another step I tell myself every day, and it ends up being sort of fun watching others making their own memories that I know, may one day be all they have left. Keep making those memories and take pictures.

I miss you Mom and all the others too, but God is here with me and I'm OK.

Happy Thanksgiving 2023

          

Me and Mom 2017. She didn't know what a selfie was and I didn't know in just 2 short years, she would be gone. Her special dish was fruit salad and everyone loved it.