the clocks tick down from the moment we are born and throughout the rush to our end. All that we are assured of is this very moment we are in right here and a tomorrow for us may not come. Millions of fractions of moments have led me to this place where I am and even having experienced moments in places that some only dream of, all of my moments have led me right here to this place where I feel invisible with no purpose.
It isn’t a new place that I need to find even while thinking it might be from time to time what I want to do, it is a purpose that I need to find and I see nothing ahead to fill my void. Another day is a blessing but without purpose feels like a sin. There is no one left that I have ever loved to take care of anymore and no one I have ever cared for that needs me. When I didn’t have two nickels to my name and I needed to go to work everyday, that is when I was a very rich man and I had no idea. God blessed me with a mom that filled my entire life with purpose. She made me feel like it was she who needed me when in fact she did quite well raising us kids with no help and taking care of her mom and herself and so many others I have discovered when going through her things since she passed away.
But it was I who needed her, and too many times throughout the years I didn’t have a clue how much. In mom’s last few years she actually did need me and I was blessed to be able to be there but since the moment she took her last breath, I realized how much more I needed her. We talked about how she wanted me to keep going and how she was worried I might not. She was more worried about me than herself and that was always how she was. Mom knew she was dying and so did I but I never let on that I knew. We had many talks about God and how she wanted me to get closer to him so we would see each other again and I promised I would and I have kept that promise. She was working harder when she had little to no strength on making sure I would be OK and either I thought I would be alright or I outright lied, but since her passing I am more than a little unwell.
On my walk last night moving silently down the streets in the neighborhood I thought about how alone I felt pushing through the darkness and how unaffected anyone would be if in fact tomorrow I were not here. Wiping a few tears that no one would ever see and feeling a bit sorry for myself, I began to realize that I actually wasn’t alone and that none of us ever really have to walk through this life completely alone. My God walks with me and my mom watches over me and I have no right to suffer knowing they would be so disappointed. Hope we all keep walking, keep pushing on and I in particular must find purpose and that purpose will help light my darkness.
